Kids being mean or just normal behaviour?

[littlemisssunshine81]

My nearly 4yo is not without his faults but is generally very kind and empathetic. His instinct is never to hit back when hit etc (despite his - much debated by me- fathers advice!) he just doesn’t have it in him.... He’s also very sociable and makes an effort to play with other kids at nursery according to the staff there. However there are a couple of boys that he always plays with and although they are apparently friends he frequently comes home saying that one of them hit him or wasn’t nice to him. I have tried telling him that he has lots of friends and shouldn’t play with anyone who isn’t nice to him yet he seems drawn to these two. He recently was invited to the birthday party of one of them and on a couple of occasions the birthday boy was a bit mean to him. On one occasion telling DS that he was ‘ruining his party’ because apparently DS accidentally pulled the table cover when he sat down for food. I know it all sounds petty and childish, but, to a 3/4yo it’s all relative and it really upsets DS when things like this happen. I have tried talking to him many times about how he should tell these boys that it isn’t nice to say mean things etc but whenever anything happens he says or does nothing. DH wants to tell the nursery not to let them play with one another anymore (not that the teachers will be willing or even able to do this) Am I over reacting and worrying unnecessarily? It just breaks my heart to see him upset when his ‘friends’ are not being nice to him and really don’t know what to do about it! Advice please! X

He sounds a lot like my DS at that age - he’s 7 now and a lot more confident but I think he really used to focus on the one or two moments in the day where things hadn’t gone quite right - people don’t get along 100% of the time and I found that actually they had been playing well together for most of the day, but there had been a few occasions here or there when the other child had wanted to play a different game or DS had been too enthusiastic and wound the other child up that meant they’d told him no and it was that moment that they chose to focus on.

I would think that if your son wants to play with them it’s because they are having more fun times than they are fall outs, it’s just at 4 they haven’t quite got the social skills or understanding to deal with it themselves yet.

Does that make sense?

Yes that does make sense! I did think that if he wants to keep playing with these kids then it must be fun more often than not. Guess I just hate the idea of anyone being anything other than nice to him! In the end I suppose it’s all part and parcel of them learning social skills and how to handle negative situations...