How to help curb ds's competetive and leadership traits?

[DrNortherner]

Ds is 5, after a meeting with his headteacher and teacher it is clear they have issues with this part of his behaviour.

Academically there are no issues. The concerns they have are of a social nature. For example, he leads really good games at playtime (tig/simon says etc) this works when he is leader. If someone challenges him if they want to be in charge he will thump them.

He also appears not to listen in class, chats to his friends and stares out of the window, yet when she questions him he always has the correct answer. Also if somone has something he wants and he can't get it he will ask a friend to get it, they snatch it then they are in trouble. So they alos are worrying about him 'manipulating' others.

So the upshot is, if he is first in line, in cgarge and winnning all is well. If not it all goes a bit Pete Tong......

Any thoughts, stratergies much appreciated.

Thanks.

Looks like the teacher isn't providing work that challenges him academically if he knows what the answer is to any question when he's not even paying attention. I'd try to persuade her to set him some work suitable for his level to force him to concentrate.

PS: DS2 is 5 and always wants to be leader in the school queue and be first and in charge etc, it seems they all do at that age, he tends to tantrum when he can't do the above, we've just ignored it and played down the whole being first/leader etc eg: it's great when it happens but it does not happen every day and others have to have a go etc etc. I blamed DH as he is sports mad and I had to point out to him it's not all about THE WINNING, I hate that and sets up too much disappointment IMHO. DH lets him beat him at footy and vice versa, so he can learn this, things are better. I am quite taken aback at a group of 5 year old boys, the whoose can this/can do that thing seems to be a BIG topic of conversation and activity, just about to read Manhood by Stephen Biddulph as I have 2 boys and a hubby and need to understand them more!

It is outrageous that she made this comment about him at a party. If I were you I would follow that up and put her on the spot about how she heard about that!

Also the comment about low self esteem really rang bells for me; my ds had a comment about 'his self worth will increase' when he was at his furst nursery, and that did show me that the teacher was way off beam. He has always had the most huge self esteem and self worth, not only at home but in every other social situation he was put in, with or without parents present, EXCEPT this nursery; so that told me that she was getting it very wrong indeed.

Ds is a child who wants to lead, too, so I know what you're dealing with there, I think they do find it very difficult to adjust to being one of the crowd at school.

I think it's right that as he gets older he learns that his needs fit in with the whole families. It's something I'm having to think about with my ds now.

But it is so important that these qualities aren't squashed out of them just so that it makes them more compliant schoolchildren.

I agree that your ds needs to do some conforming, but yes, the teacher needs to value his individual qualities just as much as she does the quiet, compliant ones, and she needs to give him work to his abilities.

omg DrN, my ds (age 5) is very similar. In fact, I'm already dreading sports day (due to the over competitiveness!) - even though it's probably not till July. Luckily, the other mothers in ds's class have clocked what he is like and are (generally) very sweet about it!

I agree about the work he is being set - ds has a lovely teacher who has been giving ds small bits of extension work and I'm sure because of this, his behaviour in class is fine.

I agree with the board games at home (v v important especially learning to be gracious about someone else winning) and the pecking order thing soapbox mentions - I found that because ds always had the most spectacular tantrums, I had always given way to him (over his placid sister, even though she's the first born) and it's actually been quite painful putting him back into his place (so to speak!).

Good luck - it really isn't easy and ds is still woefully over competitive but he is gradually getting better arrghhh!

Carocaro - that sounds like the book for my DS - I am off to Amazon now! DS manages to watch films and just not 'get' the "friends are more important than winning" moral - even when it is rammed down his throuat like in Disney's 'Cars'

OK I have just ordered the manipulative child book and come on digby from Amazon. Thanks for the reccommendations. Thanks for the comments everyone, it is most helpful.

Prettycandles I had not even considerd the gifted child thing, he is certainly not behind, but not streets ahead either and hates writing with a passion! But I will have a look at their website.