Directly after the birth of my first 2 babies (only 17 months apart) my mil gave me a really hard time telling me directly that she managed 5 in 7.5 years and she was on her own a lot, she never looked for help.... I really struggled with bf my 1st and she gave me constant grief saying he was starving....you get the drift, hard work. I really lacked confidence at this point in my life and I felt she destroyed my self esteem with her judgemental brashness. I was too vulnerable to hear it. She also said worse things about me behind my back, which I actually found more upsetting than the horrible things she said to my face.
In the end my dh's siblings told her in no uncertain terms she was out of line and she did apologise, I accepted the apology but to be honest I have not forgiven her. An apology (although noble) actually doesn't change what she thinks of me. She is sorry I found out, she is sorry I was upset but mostly she is sorry that the people she loves felt she was a bad person for saying it.
Although I struggled my adapting to motherhood, I have 3 lovely well behaved children. I am a software developer and the main bread winner in my house, i could earn more money but I want to pick them up from childcare care at 4pm every day and I don't want to travel. I am proud my children see me have a career in a traditionally male dominated field. Part of me is sad I am not the warm fluffy mother who always knows what is wrong with her babies and how to fix it. Dh is much better at that stuff.
My mil and her dh (a saintly man who passed away many years ago) owned a country house they ran as a beautiful b&b in Warwickshire. Said house requires a lot of constant maintenance to keep running and it is hard to find the tradesmen who a) can put up with her demands b) don't rip her off as she doesn't understand the job/ pricing and basically there are some bad people out there who take advantage of the older generation.
Mil wants us to drive 2.5 hours to see her and for my dh to manage the work on her house and I just can't be bothered. Harsh I know, but I end up managing 3 children under 4, in a house that is precious and not baby proofed. When I needed mil in those early days she literally never helped us, she even used to come to London and not visit us. She used to stay with her daughter and expect us to drive over to see her with 3 under 3 at the time. Dh says I need to move on (he has) but I think it is enough that I am pleasant to her, i have never made access to her grandkids hard I have never bad mouthed her to anyone she knows. I have cooked her favourite foods when she visits I have made cards with the kids etc i draw the line at spending my whole weekend managing her unmanageable house. Why can't one of her "preferred" children do it? The ones she visited and helped.