dreams vs reality

[mammabearr]

Before I had my two (now 10 and 4), dh and i were super clear on what we wanted for them - that we'd raise them similarly to how we've been raised, and that we'd do everything we could to raise happy, healthy, confident children, with big ambitions who believed they could do anything, and knew how to make decisions for themselves.

That feels like a naive dream now - we're reduced to fighting about the ipad all the time, or arguing about why they can't eat chocolate all the time, or bedtime, or what to watch on TV.

I wanted to be teaching them things like making healthy choices, eating well, exercising, taking time out, spending free time together, reading and talking about it... It just feels like too much effort by the time we're done arguing.

It feels like if we produce amazing children like the ones I described above it'll be much more luck than judgement.

Anyone else worried like me ?

Oh God all of the time! You are not alone OP

I had this idea that I was going to raise outdoorsy children who would love long walks in the hills and reading books and learning. Dd turned out to have a disability which meant she couldn't walk very much and would end up in bad pain when exposed to the slightest cold. Also severe anxiety which ended in school refusal.

Ds prides himself on not having read a book since the Oxford Reading Tree (he is about to turn 18).

Am still proud of them, but in different ways, for different things.

I think you have to adjust your expectations.

My kids were going to be confident, eat minimal junk food and spend screen time creating stuff rather than just watching.

The reality is that they have lots of great qualities but not the ones I expected. I managed to achieve my most important wish for them - to be happy which is a massive relief,

Oh yes I recognise this. I had all sorts of ideas about what my kids would be like!

Console yourself that you are clearly not truing to shoe horn them into your own idea of what they should be. This means chances are they'll turn out alright with a strong sense of self.

Ironically if they were doing all those worthy things and dancing to your tune, they might be less likely to grow up into confident secure children, as they would be getting the message that their purpose in life was to fit in with you and your ideas for them.

Awww thanks everyone!! You're so right - I should relax more and roll with the personalities I have. As long as they turn out to be happy and healthy, that's great. What do you think the most important things are that you did to make sure they turned out happy and healthy?

Is there anything I shouldn't budge on? / should just give up right away on those daily battles?

Thanks so much everyone!! I'll have to report back to dh.

My DSIL was adamant that they would only have wooden, educational toys for DN. 18 months later their house looked like a display from Toys R Us. I don’t think anyone really lives up to their own parenting expectations

What sort of things are you arguing over?

Oh just every day things - like staying sat at the dinner table until everyone has finished... not being on the iPad all day every day... trying to get them to go into the garden and play... getting up and ready for school in time...