Anxious and "depressed" 8 year old

[worri8dmummy]

My 7 year old ds has been pretty anxious since birth. He didn't settle well at nursery and was always clinging to specific nursery workers and didn't always want to mix with the other kids.

Since he started school (he is in year 3), we have had a mixed experience with this year starting off the best of the previous ones. At times he seems to have settled but then reverts to being clingy, not wanting to go in, terrible anxiety and tantrums before school which has not helped by his very calming and nurturing teacher leaving. His sibling who he is very close to and plays a lot with in school is going to secondary school in September so he will be alone at primary. He doesn't seem to have made any really strong friendships although he does have a couple of kids he plays with, it is mostly his sibling.

I really don't know what to do. His school is very small and tries it's best but he is extremely sensitive (hates noise and gets extremely anxious when teachers shout, even if it is not at him). He is very unconfident, will not defend himself or does it half-heartedly, cries a lot but wants to please and tries his best to be good and rarely gets told off in school. However, I feel like he is often ignored by the teachers because he is very quiet and sensitive and won't speak up if other kids are bullying him or being nasty, he just cries and comes to me sullen faced at pick-up. He is scared of fighting back because he thinks the teachers will tell him off and he doesn't want to be told off even if he is simply defending himself.

He recently says he hates his life and everyone hates him. Obviously this is really upsetting. I have spoken to him so much to try and raise his confidence but he doesn't seem to have any at all. I am worried this is going to get worse. He has absolutely zero self belief.

I have spoken to our GP about this in the past and they referred him to CAHMS but by the time we got our appointment he seemed much happier and said he didn't want to go anymore. However, recently it seems to have gone downhill again.

I saw a book which has great reviews on Amazon and wondered if anyone else has successfully used it?

www.amazon.co.uk/What-When-Worry-Much-What/dp/1591473144/ref=asap_bc?tag=mumsnetforum-21&ie=UTF8

Sorry I should have put that he just turned 8 a few days ago, so he is still a "young" 8 year old.

I have a 12 year old ds who has had similar problems. He also seemed to improve but now puberty has started he is quite down. We are paying for a therapist and I wish we had done it a few eyes ago. He needs to learn coping skills. Make another appointment, it's hard for you to help him on your own. Good luck!

Are there any other concerns about development. Anxiety and lack of social skills could be a sign of aspergers/ high functioning autism and him not feeling like he fits in to the world as it is could be causing low mood. Just a thought and not to label or diagnose but maybe worth checking out. It maybe he just has an overly sensitive personality and traits of being worriers in the family (I am similar) and my children are sensitive and aware that our cautiousness and over worry can cause anxiety in our children. How you respond makes a big difference. Building resilience and supporting them to gain coping strategies is key. You can always ask GP to refer again to CAMHs.

Hi Worri8dmummy

Your post made me think a lot about my son, who has just turned 10. At almost the same point in his life (almost 8, middle of year 3) he took a sudden downturn in mental health/wellbeing which culminated in him telling us daily he was too ill for school; he cried/tantrumed/clung at drop off. Was similar even if we wanted to do family trips - everything was suddenly too much for him. It was horrendous.

I really feel for you. It is so hard to see your child with anxiety.

Like your DS, mine also had a history of some difficulties - social, behavioural and sensory, which we hadn't entirely recognised as anxiety but which with hindsight definitely were.

Eventually we found our way to Theraplay. This is a play-based therapy which is all based around strengthening the relationship between the child and its parents (child attachment). We have been doing it with him for 2 years and he is about to be signed off. It doesn't always take this long.

It has been completely transformative for him and our whole family and I am so grateful we found it, and did so whilst he was still young. It works on the core of a child's sense of self and self esteem, as well as tackling sensory issues (which are often linked with the anxiety). Although it may seem strange to tackle anxiety through play and relationship-building, once you have experienced it it 100% makes sense.

I also had the book you mention. It is good in what it sets out to do, but for him it was not right at all. His anxiety was much more deep-rooted - in fact had its roots in his premature birth and early hospitalisation - and he didn't have the developmental maturity to be able to respond well to that approach.

Theraplay is totally amazing - though not easy for parents or cheap (we did it privately, it is available in some places/circumstances via CAMHS but I suspect the threshold for qualifying is very high). There is also a new book which we missed but talks about how you can use some of the Theraplay methods as a parent.

Here are a couple of links www.theraplay.org and www.amazon.co.uk/Parenting-Theraplay%C2%AE-Understanding-Attachment-Relationship-ebook/dp/B06WLQS1JP?tag=mumsnetforum-21

I hope this helps, and good luck. I'm very happy to answer any questions you might have x

I would really like to know how your child is doing now. I am going through the same problem with my 8 year old and we have also requested a therapist to assess in the school and at home. It's been a long bank holoday this year and Im already worried about school drop off tomorrow 😒

Many thanks