Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

Behaviour/development

Talk to others about child development and behaviour stages here. You can find more information on our development calendar.

Flip

Original poster

Not sure quite how to explain this......................................

19 replies

stoppinattwo · 02/05/2007 21:29

without sounding like a completely cruel mother. When do you really value your DC's opinion and actually take notice.............or put another way.............at what point doesnt mum know best, and stop pulling rank.

I think learning to debate and negotiate is a good life skill, but atm my DC's form of debate is to sulk and cry if its not what they want which doesnt give me any mad desire to take their requests seriously.

DS is nearly 9 now and i would like to think he has an intelligent mind, I would like to be able to explain certain decisions to him without all the sulking and think that if there is something he would really like to do or have he can give me good reason to talk about it with him.

Am i expecting too much?? If this post sounds unsympathetic btw its because we have had major flouncing this evening from DS because we couldnt do somthing that we were supposed to be doing after school and he had a complete melt down

OP posts:

Are your children’s vaccines up to date?

Set a reminder

pointydog · 02/05/2007 21:42

Has he always been like this? Or is it age?

dd1 is 10 and the moods and flounces just get worse.

pointydog · 02/05/2007 21:43

I do say to her sometimes, if you can speak to me in a calm normal tone of voice then I'll listen.

And if she continues to rant and wail I ignore her and she strops off.

Original poster

stoppinattwo · 02/05/2007 21:51

with DS he understands until it doesnt suit him to understand iykwim............i never quite know where i stand, when i think i may be able to explain something he can throw it right back at me with a strop................he seems quite highly strung atm and can turn the water works on in a second, I do leave him to it to a certain extent but would love him to understand that the decisions we make are for the good of all the family but may not suit all the family.

The flouncing tho really winds me up

OP posts:

pointydog · 02/05/2007 21:54

I am learning to accept them as part of our relationship. Sigh.

Original poster

stoppinattwo · 02/05/2007 21:57

Im not kidding DS can exit a room beter than Joan Collins!!

OP posts:

Katymac · 02/05/2007 21:59

I thought it was just me dealing with this

DD is 9 and so hormonal....pmt queen

The tone of voice and the looks

You'd think I'd asked her to hang herself rather than clean her teeth

hairymclary · 02/05/2007 22:00

I don't know if this is relevant, or whether I'll be eating my words in a few years, but ds is only 2 and I already try and value his opinion (on certain things!)
ie, if he asks to go to the park and we aren't doing anything then we'll generally go, I sometimes ask him what we'll have for dinner and he chooses.
This is basically so that he gets used to having some control over his own life, and feels happy (hopefully) in the future that he can make decisions and I will respect them. And I am hoping that this will make it easier on him when sometimes he can't have his own way, or we can't do things because it won't be like it's ALWAYS my choice if that makes sense?

I guess what I am trying to say is that to me it makes sense to give them choices and decisions to make that are (in your eyes) less important so that they don't feel that it's always you who makes them for them

Original poster

stoppinattwo · 02/05/2007 22:02

I think they confuse themselves tbh..........they want to talk and behave like grown ups..........and almost have yuo believing you can explain things in a terribly grown up way..........then the child comes back

dont get me wrong, I dont want a magnus pyke debator, i would just like to explain my decisions on certain things so he doesnt go away thinking..........bloomin mother has spoit all my fun again!!!

OP posts:

Katymac · 02/05/2007 22:04

I get the "I don't want a bath - you can't make me"

So I shreik & she strops and she has a bath

She would voluntarily go weeks without bath/teethclen/hairwash

This is basic stuff & she doesn't actually have a choice (or does she?)

tigerschick · 02/05/2007 22:09

Don't really know if it's relevant in a home but ... I used to work in a school where the head had 4 dcs and his attitude, at school at least, was that life is about choices. The children could choose to be well behaved and we would choose to give them 'treats' - like cinema trips, games afternoons etc. If they choose to be 'difficult' or 'naughty' then we choose to ignore them or do things other than what they want.

In an attempt to make this all relevant - () could you try this with your ds? Sorry if this sounds like obvious stuff but putting it in these terms seemed to work with the kids at school - 7-11 yo btw.

Good luck and hope it's just a phase.

Original poster

stoppinattwo · 02/05/2007 22:10

yeah..what you are doing hairy is important and DS got to make all those choices too, its just as he's has got older the choices have become more complicated, he decides his own wardrobe, i decide when he gets a bath!!, I decide if his friend comes around on saturday, there are reasond for decisions and if they dont go his way he flips. for example.............I would love to be able to say to him. look your freind cant come tonight, I know i said he could yesterday but unfortunatley X,Y and Z has happened and now its not possible, how about saturday instead..........DS would hear your friend cant come around tonight, mum says no again, he cant come till saturday

OP posts:

roisin · 02/05/2007 22:10

DS1 is almost 10 and has changed immensely in the last 12 months. He now realises that if he wants something it is in his best interests to approach it in a certain way; to introduce it and discuss it calmly and reasonably, and to put forward his reasoning and arguments; and he knows that I will listen to him. He knows that if I so "no, it's not up for discussion" that I mean it and that's the end of the story. But he has also learned that screaming and shouting about it and throwing a tantrum will not get him anywhere. He also knows whinging gets nil points from me, and nor do arguments about what everyone else does or what everyone else has got.

I'm actually very proud of him, and impressed at how much he's taken on board, particularly as he used to have dreadful social skills and was useless at seeing things from others' perspective.

He did read a book called "How to handle your parents" - I have no idea what's in it, but it may have been part of the reason for his metamorphosis into a charming persuasive character.

Original poster

stoppinattwo · 02/05/2007 22:11

katymac.........i have honestly considered not bathing him till he asks for one, and see how long it takes..........shall we run a sweep on whose child bathes first??

OP posts:

pointydog · 02/05/2007 22:11

well, katy, I tell dd1 that if she can't be bothered to wash her stringy lanky hair than that's her choice.

Saves a lot of harrumphing.

Original poster

stoppinattwo · 02/05/2007 22:13

roisin................that is exactly what I am asking for DS could learn a lot from you DS

OP posts:

pointydog · 02/05/2007 22:13

oo stoppin. Risky move getting in the way of a pre-teen and their friends. Always a killer.

pointydog · 02/05/2007 22:14

how to hande parenst - might look for that. bout time she made an effort

Original poster

stoppinattwo · 02/05/2007 22:14

...............think im ok still, he has weak tickle spots that floor him in seconds

OP posts:

hairymclary · 02/05/2007 22:17

damn, so I am still going to have to deal with this when he gets to 10. that's not fair! lol

Flip