ds's behaviour is driving me INSANE and I don't know how to cope!

[weewilliewinkie]

He's 3.4yrs and over the last week or so has morphed into an absolute horror. Everything I say to him is met with a 'but why? WHY?' and he won't stop saying it until I flip. He keeps doing the same things over and over despite me telling him to stop - like pulling all the cushions off the sofa again and again. Don't know why but this is driving me particularly mad. I came downstairs this morning to find the living room in a complete state and him sitting naked on top of all the mess, and I lost the plot with him.

So, how do I get him to do what he's told, just sometimes? He's actually a gorgeous, sweet little boy who adores his baby dd (12 weeks) and he's very affectionate, it's just that just now he doesn't listen to a word I say. I know he's 3, I know this is a notoriously tough time behaviour wise; I'm asking for help in how to keep in control of myself (I'm fed up shouting all the time ) and ways to get him to co-operate a bit more.

I've been feeling so guilty all day about freaking out at him this morning; it's only bloody sofa cushions after all.

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Poor you, it is a really difficult stage you're at, coping with sleepless nights, a demanding baby and a needy toddler.
Can you squeeze in extra quality time with him so he gets more positive attention from you.
He may be noticing the amount of time you're now spending with his sister, (Be grateful he's taking it out on you and not the baby if that's the case!) and playing up to get your attention, even if it is only a cross mummy he gets, that's better than nothing.
Suggestions! You may do the following already, sorry if you do! While feeding the baby have some stories handy to read to him. Get him to help change/bathe the baby. While the baby sleeps ask him to help you clean and tidy; he may learn to take pride in your home while getting to spend time with.

Could have written that message about my dd1 (although shes 2.7 and dd2 is 16 weeks) even in deperation spoke to HV, she suggested delayed sibling rivalry. They realise baby staying and they have no control she compared it to DH bringing another woman to live in the house, I had no say and would have to share him whether I wanted to or not, so what would I do? anything to get some attention whether it was good or bad.

She recommended toddler taming by Dr Christopher Green and I have been plodding through that(but I am so tired by th eevening that only manage a few pages at atime) and trying to praise good behaviour and where possible ignore bad beaviour. If its unacceptable behaviour I am attempting not to shout and get down to her level and explain why it was naughty (not always tough I need to work on that) also attempting to spend some 1-1 time with her when dd2 asleep sometimes its boring things like housework or even getting her involved whilst I prepare dinner (she washes veg for me then I chop them) but she seems to better then because she has had some of my time.

This has been for last 5 weeks and we have more good than bad days, I think she finds the whole change in the house unsettling and being naughty/shouting/hitting is her way of expressing some anger.

Not sure if thats any help but you are not alone and am hoping that every small improvement is better than no improvement!!!!

I understand. Ds (3.3) is such a sweetie, has been a diamond for the last three weeks. But on sunday he was so rude, refuse to do anything he was tols. I screamed at him " you are driving me f**king NUTS" and then he shuddered. I was so ashamed.

No advice really. be strong. Be definte. DSon't let him get away with this. But at the same time, try a different tactic, :

walk away & ignore ( ds comes running within 2 mintes !!)
Rise above it, put his shoes on, for example, whilst laughing & tickling him.

Can't think of any others.HTH

umm - 12 week old dd - that's the reason! i think in the specific new baby situation you have to kill it with kindness - his world is upside down [even if his routine is the same it's not the same iyswim]. every minute of the day point out how fantastic he is. try and avoid simlple demands that lead tlo the why why - you can verbally outsmart him as an adult so offer him a choice of 2 if you need to get him to do something [eg these shoes or these ones] rather than 'we're doing this now .
ignore the baby grumbling sometimes to finish the thing you're doing with him. get his dad to do some special 'big boy' stuff with him even if it's only swimming.
let him join in with dd - get nappy and so on.
let the small stuff slide - eg ignore the cushions.
above all remember that it is a phase and it will pass!

Hi WWW
My 2 are 20mnths apart so had similar hassles. Having said that your DS sounds like he's doing normal 3yo stuff so don't worry about sibling rivalry specifically.
My DS is very boistrous and highly uncooperative and seriously argumentative (bless him). I try hard to avoid spending all day nagging and let him have as much freedom as possible. But clamp down in situations where he could get hurt etc. At home he jumps on the sofa, throws cushions on the floor etc. But out and about he has good road sense. Also at nursery he is physically boistrous but well behaved.
Try to cut your lad a little slack (esp as you've got hands full with baby). He'll grow out of it.

you want to com e on to out" how to talk" thread

thanks all, some great advice. I generally am overdoing it on the kindness to him, always telling him how much I love him, how much he's my best boy etc. He does like to help with the baby, getting nappies and bathing her etc, and I praise his good behaviour lots (maybe not every thing he does though). I do think he's quite a sensitive wee soul and needs constant reassurance that he's loved. I try, I really do, it's just that he can wind me up something rotten - he really knows how to push my buttons!

Where is that thread, PAFC?

have you tried time-out or saying if you do x then y will happen so if he is naughty he gets something taken away from him like a favourite toy.

Went through this with DS (although luckily DD was older than your baby is so he'd got through his major jealousy by then).
Only thing I can add to what the others say is can you remove the sofa cushions for a while. It's fun for him to pull them off at the moment, especially when he sees your reaction. He might forget about it if you put them away for a couple of months.
The other thing I did was turn things into a game so the room got back to it's tidier state. DS's thing was emptying the basket of soft toys and throwing them around. With DD, who was about 15 months, we'd play 'pet shop' and I'd pretend to be a customer who wanted to buy a monkey or whatever and they'd fetch the item to put it in my basket. This game never encouraged him to upend the basket but definitely helped defuse the situation when he did. I appreciate that it's not as easy with sofa cushions.... you'll need a lot of imagination!

i have a ds who is 3.9 and an 8 week old...and a 17 month old in between them

ds2 was taught the word 'why' by dd1 a couple of months ago.i always say 'cos why's got a long tail!' cant remember where i got that one from but it confuses him enough to shut him up

i cant give you any advice as i went for the easy option and put him in nursery 4 full days a week