What's the best way to handle this behaviour??

[Nic04]

My 4 yr old son, who can be delightful, also has a stubborn streak and has taken to shouting at us or telling us off if he gets into trouble or doesn't get his own way. He has also done this to a teacher when he's been reprimanded over something. Firstly - is this normal behaviour from a child his age? I'd like to know the best way to handle it and how to stop him doing it... is it likely that he's doing it because we shout at him occasionally when he's done something wrong, so he feels he can do the same thing to us?

When dh was putting him to bed last night, ds wanted a story, but it was too late so dh said 'no'. DS starts yelling, 'I want a story NOW! Read me a story now!!' I went in and told him that if he shouts like that, he will get no stories at all. He knows we don't like it but he still continues to do it. He also says things like 'I want you to go away, I'll put you in the bin', etc. Do I punish him for shouting at us (or at anyone for that matter) or do we ignore it? He just sounds like such a brat when he stands there yelling at us, and I'm also disturbed by the fact that he feels he can yell at a teacher. Thank you..

there is a post on the go at the moment that is quite similar which you migth want to take a read of....
I'm pretty sure it's called 'threenagers' and it's under this heading. LEt me know if you cant find it and I'll find it for you. Some of the comments on there, one in particular, I thought very very helpful.

Sorry i cant be more help but my experience only goes up to 3 year old so far.

Hi, NO help I'm afraid but my 3.5 ds has just started doing the same thing too, and another friend with a dd(3) also. All I have dne so far is say very calmly but firmly that I don't want him to shout at me and if he shouts he very definately wont get what he wants. I'm also getting - at top voulume- "no I won't do XXXx" etc. I hope someone can reassure me its just a phase or suggest some coping stratagies.

I find with my three year old that the most important thing is that I keep telling her EXACTLY what's going to happen when - we're going to get dressed now, then I'm going to take you to preschool, later on I will pick you up with the car and so on...
If she knows exactly what to expect then our day goes much more smoothly.
Is he used to having stories at night? I find with my dd that things like "It's too late, we won't do it today" lead to complete meltdown - if she has a certain expectation for a certain situation, then it HAS to be done. Also, I always give warnings like "In five minutes we will go upstairs... in two minutes..."
Don't know if these ideas are any good to you?

Emkana he gets a story most nights, unless it's too late for some reason or unless he's too tired and I think he should go straight to sleep. Obviously he doesn't cope as well with things if he's really tired (hence very grumpy), and that's when he can tend to cry or shout if he doesn't get his own way.

I do give him specific instructions most of the time because I find he responds best to this, and I also try to tell him what's going to happen (you can play your game for 5 minutes and then I want you to turn it off, etc). But he will still resist being told what to do and will try to get around it, if at all possible. So sometimes I end up with a bit of a power struggle and have to give him consequences, which he doesn't like. I do shout at him sometimes when he REALLY pushes me or when he just ignores me when I talk to him - perhaps I need to stop doing this because I don't know whether he's copying me and simply shouting back. Do you think this is possible, or would he probably do it anyway? He also shouts at his grandparents at times and I've asked them not to let him get away with it, because he seems to be getting the idea that it's ok to do it. Boy this a tedious job, isn't it

Nic, you could be describing my 3 year old! It is at least some comfort to know that other people are suffering the same. For the past month or so, I have been coming down much harder on the shouting, and have been doing one warning and if that's ignored, it's the naughty step (in the style of Supernanny!). I do find that since we have been consistent with him he shouts a bit less and certainly stops shouting quicker. If we are out and I can't implement the naughty step I tell him that if he shouts again I shall ignore him, which he hates and he usually corrects himself. The trick for us was to make sure me and DH reacted the same. Best of luck!

Just had DS shouting at his little sister and taking his disguarded hot corss bun off her that I had given her. He then threw it in the bin when I told him that I'd said she could have it to stop her eating any more. He didn't wnat it but was being posessive about it. He then shouted and screamed at me when I told him off. Is this normal? He has had time out and calmed down again now and they are playing happily again. AGGGH

My 4 year old (nearly 5) ds does this quite often to us too. Sometimes I hear things we say to him coming back and also things that I'm pretty sure that they say to children at his nursery also. He also has taken to scowling with his hands on his hips (which has made me have a look at my own body language . He can sound really obnoxious but I do feel it is just a passing phase. It has coincided with him trying to be more independent in other things such as making his own breakfast, washing and dressing himself and trying new things. Other times he can be perfectly charming and really helpful and kind. I stick to all the usual techniques, try and reinforce the good behaviour with plenty of praise, and ignore him as much as possible when he is shouting and not give into his demands. We also have explained to him lots of times that it is not good behaviour and that it makes him seem unpleasant and spoiled. Often afterwards he is very sorry and sometimes he says that he is not going to shout today so I feel that he knows it is wrong and is doing his best not to. It does make you take a good look at your own behaviour and the sort of example it sets and I have tried not to shout at him as much as possible too.

In my son's case I don't think he would shout at anyone except his parents but he is quite a cautious child in general. I can easily see a more extrovert child might.