6 year old behaviour is awful

[Faffandahalf]

DS is 6. He was a difficult baby but a great toddler. Ages 1-4 were the best. Then I had DD, who now 2. At the same time we moved on with inlaws while we looked for another house. We have been here 2 years!

His behaviour over the years has become worse and worse despite my desperate and varied attempts at disciplining effectively.

The last few months have been utter crap.

He annoys his sister all the time. Is mean to her likes her takes her things away winds her up etc. This isn't too bad. Sibling behaviour I guess but still annoying.

He is rude and argumentative. Says no, stop it, I don't wanf to, go away, I don't like you, I don't care, I can do what I want etc etc. Always chatting back. Says things and then when reprimanded has a go at us and shouts that it was an accident and we don't love him.

Mega tantrums about tiny things. He made a lantern at school and it wouldn't stand up. 20 minute tantrum filled with sobbing screaming shouting.
He can't spell a word, total meltdown tells us to stop talking to him when we try to help him.

Cannot stay in his seat for dinner. Constantly up and down.

Refuses to follow instruction and listen to us about a myriad of things: bedtime dinner time homework tidying toys. You name it he will try and avoid doing it.

Any telling off/punishment is met with absolute hysterical behaviour and sobbing that we don't love him we are horrible parents etc.

I've had enough. I can't bear him coming home from school or coming home from work on my work days because he is soooo exhausting. As soon as he's home it's a constant stream of annoying and chasing his sister, arguing about eating his dinner, whining about wanting a biscuit, refusing to stay in his seat, crying about being told off, not wanting to get into pyjamas and so on and on.

He's horrible to inlaws as well sometimes despite their doting on him. They never ever tell him off.

We have done behaviour charts, star charts, a step system which leads to
Time out and loss of Tv time, rewarding and praising the good.

Please tell me how to make him the lovely boy he once was.

He is affectionate and loving. Likes cuddles and reading time. He loves telling me about his day and enjoys school. He's inquisitive and loves days out to new places. He likes reading and playing games. (Awful terrible loser though)

Have you heard of PDA?

It sounds like the strategies for supporting children with PDA might be helpful to you.

PDA society link

Do you think it might be connected with his grandparents never telling him off? Is he getting mixed messages about boundaries?

As you had no issues with his behaviour up to age of 4, this probably rules out PDA.

The situation sounds really hard

I think being at inlaws is very very difficult in terms of rules/behaviour/discipline etc

But also he is just so so wilful and argumentative. We've just had to wrangle him at bedtime and repeating ourselves a hundred times about brushing teeth going to the loo. Alongside it all is just his mouth running constantly and him running around like a loon. It's exhausting.

I think you probably have your answer as to why things are so tricky with his behaviour. Is there a possible solution to your housing issue anytime soon?

I have a 6 year old and a nearly 4 year old and a lot of what you say about your boy sounds familiar! The running about, not getting on with what their meant to be doing at bedtime!! How’s he at school? Do they have any concerns?

Reading “how to talk so kids listen and how to listen so that kids understand” helped me stay calm with my 2. Worth a look?

No advice but my DD turned 6 in November and I’m really struggling too with behaviour that swings from that of a 3yr old and teenager

I'd second looking up strategies used for children with PDA, which basically revolve around giving "choices" so the child doesn't feel pressured and has some limited control, even if he doesn't have it they will do no harm.

I am in the same boat with my nearly 6 ds. It is utterly soul destroying. I feel I repeat my self a hundred times a day & spend my life cajoling him to get things done. I do my utmost to give him choices & lots of pleasurable things such a play dates, trips out etc but he is generally just so obstinate, argumentative & bloody minded in return! Any sort of consequence is met with ‘I don’t care!’ shouted in my face or s tantrum. I am at the end of my tether & am not sure how I will continue. So sorry to not offer help & to rant about my situation. I pray things get better for both of us!

My DS2 is age 6 and can be quite like this. At school he is the model child. I think at home he lets his true colours come out. He can be both very lovely and very difficult. I was like this as a child - street angel, house devil!

I don't require my son to sit still at the table for dinner as he has too much energy and its pointless. I let him play a game with his brother and I just spoon feed him. Some people might think that is bad but he eats a healthy dinner quickly every day and there is no stress calling him back to the table. He is well able to feed himself if he is in the mood- and likes the food.

Also, I don't waste my breath calling him to brush his teeth. I just bring him to the bathroom and make him do it - or I do it. In the mornings when he is going to school I guide him to his shoes and coat and get him to put them on.

I used to keep a list of the kind things my DS did and would make a fuss of showing it to DH later that day. My DS was very proud of the list. Maybe that might encourage him to be kinder to his sister.

Also, I find it effective to do a countdown for my son to stop a bad behaviour - like countdown from 10. He often panics as the countdown is about to hit zero to stop the bad behaviour. I don't even no why this is effective.