telling off tale tellers

[tigermoth]

My nearly 5 year old son is good friends with another little boy who lives two doors away. The other little boy is 9 months younger. They often play in our house, or the doorstep or in the front garden. The other neighbouring children are mostly girls and this little boy has 5 older sisters, so there are usually lots of girls hoving around too.

Anyway in the last two weeks I have had constant calls from the girls, and sometimes the boy, to say that my son has said a bad word, hit or kicked the other little boy. To begin with, I came down hard on my son, asked him and the other boy what had happenend (usually some tit for tat so some blame on each side), then made my son say sorry for his part in it, and often took him away from his playmates.

As the calls continued, I began to have second thoughts about this approach. I have watched these two boys playing - more so at the moment -an they are good with each other usually. The younger one is prone to temporarily stealing my son's toys, and can say some spiteful things to him. He's not above hitting or kicking him as well. So when the tale tellers next alerted me to my son's naughty behaviour, I didn't single out my son for punishment quite as much as before, but started to tell both boys to play nicely with each other as I knew they were such good friends and nice boys. The younger boy seems very keen on seeing my son - he and his sisters are always knocking on our door to see if my son can go to their house.

My oldest son, who sees the two boys together, says the blame is usually 50/50.

He tells me his teachers tend to tell off tale tellers. As the tale telling has persisted, I am now beginning to do this in desperation, while still having words with my son if I feel he is to blame for anything. I do think a fair bit of winding up and egging on is happening too and the older girls encourage this. Lots of 'you're not my friend now' comments etc.

Yesterday evening I had very stern words with a little group of 4 who had appeared on my doorstep with tales of gloom and doom, and basically said I wasn't interested in hearing these tales every 10 minutes.

I know this game is a result of the children being thrown together over the school holidays so I am taking my son out more (despite prptests that he wants to be in to play with his friends)so he is not around these children as much. But my son wil still see these friends, and they still seem stuck on this tale telling. I'd really like ideas on how to put the lid on it once and for all, without causing offence. I am a bit worried that stories of my telling off the tale tellers will get back to their parents.

tigermoth,
i'm in exactly the same boat only the saying 'three's a crowd' as well, so one always seems to be left out and unfortunately as it always seems to be my dd as she can't keep up with the others as she has cp affecting her mobility BUT what annoys me is they call for dd, ask to play in our back garden(ehmm she has a new wendy house and a sand pit)and then start playing tig or hide and seek or even tried locking her in the wendy house!
I hope someone else can give you some answers and not just rant like i did.....sorry
Yesterday i took her to Bitts Park and she had a fab time but on the way home she was saying oh goody i can play with the girls now.....
life is so unfair at times

My aunt had 4 kids- if someone came to tell she just used to say "I don't want to know- you sort it out yourself with your brothers and sisters". Obviously its important that children know they can tell you about something serious, but constant "he did this" can really disrupt games. My aunts approach seemed to work well- her children always got on (still do). Another aunt used to listen then intervene and her 2 spent the whole time trying to get each other into trouble. NOw in their 20's they've only just started to bear each other.

oh glad it's not just me with this problem. It's difficult when your child actually wants to play with the children you are having trouble with, and they in turn want to play with him.

If anything really serious happens (last week my son bit the other boy hard) I take my son to the boys mother and we both say sorry (and I keep him inside as punishment) but she appears quite laid back about it all - she has 6 children so I guess she has seen it all.

I tend to agree with your aunt, jimjams, that the children should be left to sort it out between themselves as much as possible. I certainly think they are tryng to get my son into trouble. None of the children are wild - in fact the little girls are very good, even seem a bit prim to me and looking at my son play with other children in playgrounds, he's usually fine if very lively, and shared well. So I feel I should be able to leave them to sort it out in most instances. But on the other hand, I feel uneasy about ignoring tales of kicking and biting - thinking of all the threads on here about mothers who turn a blind eye while their children hurt others. Very difficult too if you have not seen what has happened. My son will admit he has done the deed, but usually says the other boy did something too.

I think I'd be tempted to say to the older sisters that the little boy himself should come and tell me if there is a problem. Its possible that the boy isn't worried about anything and its all just the rough and tumble of 2 boys playing together.

thanks - I do think that the sisters and other girls influence is not helping here. I chatted to the girls today - offered to lend them a video - and they pointedly ignored me. I don't think they appreciated being told off by me yesterday.

It's a good idea to ask the little boy to tell me himself if my ds has done something wrong. I think I'll give that a go. Hope the older girls don't insist on accompanying him, though. He is rather outnumbered.

Today I have taken my sons out for a lot of the day so they are not spending time with these children. I want to put some distance between them and us. I have implied that my sons aren't around because of the tale telling and general not playing nicely together problem. Not blaming any one child. I'll see how that goes.

I'm sure it's boredom. Hopefully the girls will find somethng else to do. I also feel my son is beginning to adopt the naughty boy image he has been given. He's been wilder than average this week.