Everything needs to be so specific! Drives me insane!

[Gerbil17]

I need to vent.
13yo ds needs everything put to him so specifically.

Example:
Xbox headset confiscated. Because he willingly handed it over and i didnt physically take it off of him, and i hadnt specifically said "you are not to use this headset" he then thinks it is acceptable to take the headset and use it.

Today i specifically stated he was to not use the headset no matter what. He had his friend call him on the phone so he can use that as a headset.
I allowed him a set time to use that but claimed i would be taking the phone due to the fact he is using it as a headset. He strongly denies it being used as a headset since it is a phone and not a headset.

Arguement came about because he did not agree to handing his phone over at the set time. Options given were "continue using the phone but lose the internet, or hand over the phone and keep the internet".
He lost the internet until he handed the phone over.

The need to be so specific with him is a nightmare! He finds little loopholes in everything.

This can and does get him into a lot of trouble.
I know everything needs to be stated specifically for him to fully grasp. To others he just comes across as a smarmy little git who thinks he is clever.

It is so hard to keep up with. Like the headset - to me, him not having access to it is clear that he is to not use it.
I often think things like that are clear to him, too and he is taking the mick. Only this has gone on for as long as i can remember, and it causes him stress trying to get his point across as well.

Trying to explain this to others makes me look like a defensive mother trying to make excuses for my son. It took a year for the school to actually open their minds to what i was saying and see for themselves.
Their issues could be when he is sent out of the classroom, without stating that he needs to stay outside of the class. A wander around the school seems acceptable to him. Punishments for wandering felt completely unfair to him because nobody stated he must stay outside of the classroom.

Your original example of the Xbox just sounds like a 13 year old pushing boundaries. But the examples from school suggest that it’s a genuine issue for him.

Has he always been like this? Do you think it’s geuine? Ive taught children who use arguments like this to be deliberately naughty (they never misunderstand if it doesn’t benefit them) and children who genuinely need everything explained.

In general I think it needs to double sided - teaching him to deal with these mistakes appropriately but also putting things in place so they don’t happen.

Could you get him to explain things back to you? So if you confiscate his phone, ask him what you have done and why. ‘When will you get your phone back? What should you do if you want your phone?’

Over time he may begin to recognise that things he thought were obvious (go outside means go wherever you like) are actually not the case and may prompt him to ask ‘where exactly should I go?’ Or ‘when can I have it back?’

It’s laborious but both parties are assuming things have been communicated when they haven’t so both parties need to be clearer.

How does he respond when it happens? Getting annoyed isn’t going to help. Could you teach him a phrase (but said genuinely) such as ‘I’m sorry, I misunderstood. What should I have done?’ This shows he realises he made a mistake and wasn’t being deliberately obtuse. School need to take their part in this - genuine misunderstandings should not be punished. But he needs to understand that a ‘second offense’ will be.

Yes. It has always been this way, from what i can remember.

It is a really difficult one to understand completely though as there are times i think he does know, but uses the loopholes and plays dumb to the actual expectations to get away with it.

Then i see him in full swing of him defending himself and really question if it is genuine as the stress he is feeling in himself surely isnt worth it.

If things are worded correctly and he understands fully what is expected, then issues that can occur are very little to none.
If there is a misunderstanding, all hell can break loose. He will argue his case, trying to force his point across but unwilling to see from the other persons point of view. This doesnt matter if it is a friend, relative, authority figure even such as the police.
If he feels wronged - he will fight his corner (not physically). There is no reasoning with him once he has hit this stage. When he has calmed he can see things clearer, but still not fully. He does apologise when calm if his reaction has gone over the top.

Change can bring about similar reactions.
Say i told him he had an appointment at 2pm. Then later said we got an earlier one. That could bring about a refusal to go etc.

He was fine in primary school. The one classroom and teacher. Comprehensive is constant change and i dont think he can handle it, which results in school refusal and negative behaviour when there.

We finally have a school more suited to his needs that looks promising. So hopefully it wont be long until he can start there