2.8yr old doesn't play with other children & noise sensitive too

[DebsCee]

DS1 has been at pre-school for 3 months now, and despite telling me that he loves it and being eager to go every morning, still does not mix/play well with the other children. He loves all of the adult staff there, especially his key-worker, but they tell me that he is still very adult dependant, or happy to play alone.

He is also very noise sensitive and both he and they tell me that he cries when the sessions get noisy e.g. lots of children singing or just clearing up lots of wooden bricks etc.

He has no problem with being left every morning, and he's always happy when I collect him, but it is disheartening when he tells me that he doesn't play with the other children because they are too noisy or they don't like him or he is too scared etc. This is supported by what the staff tell me too.

They tell me that they are working on getting him to be more social with the other children and that apart from that he has no other issues with being there, but I'm wondering if there is any way I can help build his confidence or is this something that will just happen in time?

Aside from pre-school he is a very chatty and gregarious boy, always saying hello to every adult he sees, from the postman to the lady in front of us at a checkout queue, but not so with other children.

Some reassuring words or advice would be great

My DS is 20 months old, and he is exactly the same. He's friendly with adults, but doesn't want anything to do with other children - cries if they come near him. And he is ultra-sensitive to noise. Sometimes if he's sitting quietly playing and I say "OK let's have lunch" he jumps with fright!

Sorry I have no words of wisdom, but I had to reply as your description sounded so much like my DS.

Hi there I have had the same prob with my 5yr old. She started pre school last year & she was exactly the same. She used to want to go in the toilet all the time were it was quiet, she would be fine with adults but would not play with the other children. School were really good & put in place diffirent activities. She is now in reception & she has come on really well school approached 'portage early years' & we were able to get someone for 5 afternoons this lady has performed miricles she has been doing activities & social communication work with all the class. My little one now plays & interacts quite happily she is like a different child. I would maybe find out about your local portage service & see what they can offer you.

It is normal for a 2 year old not to play with other children. At this age they will often play alone then they will gradully start playing alomng side other children.
Many children don't actually play with each other until they are 3.
As for being noise sensitive he might just need a little encouragement.

Thanks for the replies.

I don't think I'd worry so much if he wasn't the only child at pre-school like this, but he is, and they are all of a similar age.

People who haven't seen him amongst other children find it difficult to believe he is like this because he is so chatty and lively amongst adults, a real livewire.

We went to Waitrose today and he always runs off to look at the toys whilst I go to the checkout, but today he wouldn't because there was another little girl and boy (similar age to him) already standing there, he kept asking me when they would be gone!

He has never given me much reason to worry about anything but this is really bothering me.

hi i am sure you wont want to hear this and i know loads of people have said that its normal behaviour for a 2 yr old etc etc, i dont know about tht because out of three, my first two have Aspergers and i know my eldest son was very much like this around children and adults. he wasnt noise sensitive, but i know lots of children with ASD (autistic spectrum disorders) who are. my second son is ultra sensitive to smells.
there probably is nothing 'wrong' with your little boy but it may be worth having a word with playgroup and asking what they think.
also, try posting on the 'special needs' section. you might find more help there. not saying your child does have special needs but they might be able to give more info to help you rule ASD out as a reason.
hth

my dd1 is exactly the same. She is just very sensitive. I worried the same as you do that there was something wrong. She hates parties and always tends to prefer playing alone. If we are at the park and she's on the slide and another child approaches it she'll scream and want to get off! She loves pre school and is very attached to one lady that looks after her. She is improving now and has started playing much better with the other children (she's nearly 4). You just need to give him gentle encouragement and he will improve in confidence. As for being sensitive to noise, that's just how he is, lots of people are.

I've got a book called the Highly Sensitive Child and it really helped me to understand where my dd1 was coming from and helped me realise she's perfectly normal I'd definately recommend it.

Thanks Mama and JB.

I have an awareness of Aspergers through a friends little boy, so I have some knowledge of it, though I'm not concerned about that particularly because this is only noise-sensitivity that he has exhibited at pre-school, at home he is the noisiest little boy, and noises at home don't bother him at all. But maybe I've got that wrong and I should be worrying more?!

I talked to his key-worker at pre-schol today and she said I shouldn't worry as it's still early days and that it will just take him a bit of time to adjust as it's a very full-on atmosphere. Prior to pre-school he had only really mixed with 1 similarly aged boy plus older children at a childminders.

It's only really puzzling me because I have never seen him like this and wouldn't ordinarily have described him as especially sensitive or 'delicate' if you like - I had imagined he would be his normal full-on self and mix well with the other children.

We shall give it more time and if there is no change in him we will talk to the pre-school again.

Thanks again for the helpful messages.

sorry i wasnt too helpful. and i didnt mean to worry you with the ASD thing. i just wanted to throw an alternative light on it. i also know how different children with aspergers can be from each other. ds1 is amazingly articulate and friendly and outgoing with dults but at a complete loss as to know what to do or say around his peers. this has always been the same. ds2 otoh is very socible with hs peers but has other issues with other things.
like his nursey workers say he is still very little. i know it tkes my dd (2.4) a while to get accustomed to people and then shes perfectly sociable with them- and thats even with other little girls shes very friendly with and has known for a long time.
i guess its something that will either grow to be more of a prob over time and may present with other things that might seem a little unusual and you may want to speak to someone at school or GP for assessment or reassurance.
or, and i suspect this will be the case, he will simply 'grow out of it' and eventually learn how to integrate with his peers through watching and learning from them. it sounds like his playgroup are doing brilliant things for him and the fact that they have picked up on any dificulties he might have is very reassuring.
also, at this age, as mumeee said, LOs dont tend to play so much with other children, more on their own, then alongside and eventually with other kids.
hth

Thanks Mamatres, you were helpful and you didn't worry me honest.

It's always good to get another perspective on things, and TBH I had worried initially that it could be someting more than just lack of confidence, perhaps still is.

The pre-school do seem good though and 3 of the 5 staff are SENCO's so that's reassuring too. I seem to be more worried about him than they are though, so I'm taking that as a good sign!

Of course I do worry about an ASD issue, having read and heard much about it, but from my limited underdstanding he doesn't quite fit other than the social interaction with his peers, in other areas he seems NT, especially as far as imagination goes - he is forever asking me to take part in his tea parties or car games! But then I am also prepared to be wrong too, especially if this situation doesn't improve in time.

What other issues could prove to be red flags to be aware of do you think?

um, well there are a few things

• not appearing to hear you at times- either blatntly ignoring or diobeying or just not hearing eg ds2 knows his name is.... and he is a 'squirrel' at play group (they are in animal groups!) but wont react to 'everyone' or 'all children' so they have to say 'everyone and ..... sit on the carpet' !!!!

-odd language eg overly formal and word perfect as if scripted sometimes using very dult phrases OR very limited speech -sensitivities to noise, touch, taste. noises that are not too loud to NT children can actually be painful. certain food textures or colours may not be tolerated -lining things up -looking like they are playing imaginatively but on closer inspection, they are acting out whole section of a favourite video! -massive tantrums/upset over seemingly 'nothing' -dislike of change eg to routine or change of plan -lack of empathy of other peoples feeling-lack of play skills- cant occupy self -obsessions about things where they may become very knowledgable about their chosen thing eg dinosaurs, solar system, trains

there are probably loads and loads more i have missed out but these are some of the common signs of an ASD IME but they dont always have all these things, they may only have one or two but they may have other things as well.
certainly for me, we knew ds1 was 'different' from the age of about 2, he was markedly gifted even at that age academiclly and very very vocal- his first words at 10 months were a sentence!- but he couldnt interact with other children tho he was always brillaint with adults but always needed adult support at play group and would follow his 'teacher' around waitng to be told what to do. it was another 4 yrs before anyone took notice and he was referred, and in between then he had progressed to having massive tantrums and i couldnt cope with it (though he was always the model pupil at school because he enjoyed the work and found it easy and he liked the structure).

if you have a child with SN i think you kind of 'know' deep down, and it takes some time to get to terms with it but when they are diagnosed it makes everything so much easier because you can finally get help. and the younger they are when you get that diagnosis the better, esp if its before they start primary. well, thats been my experience anyway.

sorry that was so long, bet theres loads of typos!

let me know what happens wont you? i hope its just a glitch, but you know even if its not and he turns out to have some kind of SN it probably wont be as bad as you might imagine, and there is loads of support, on here and in RL, and no matter what he will always be your lovely little boy and if he has some little eccentricities then it just makes for a more colourful life!

good luck!

have a look at book entitled 'raising your spirited child'(sorry can't remember exact details). a bit americanised but deals with the behaviour of children who are more energetic, sensitive and in tune than most. it may describe some of your child's behaviour and alleviate some fears.

I really wouldn't worry at all. In previous generations this probably wouldn't even have been noticed, when playgroups/pre-schools weren't so prevalent and when the weekly social time with other children might have been one hour at a mother and toddler group, if you were lucky and your mum could afford it!

i just think we are judging children on false grounds really nowadays - so much is expected of them in terms of socialisation and for many children they are simply not ready. He is tiny, still a toddler at 2.8 and he knows what he needs. What a clever and sensible boy to keep himself close to the adults, as he knows he needs their presence and reassurance in order to develop.

He obviously gets spoken and listened to at home and feels safe and secure which is why he likes to approach adults. They are easier, they interact nicely! Kids are far more challenging and come at you with their own agendas rather than paying you quality attention like an adult who is being charmed by a chatty two year old.

And please don't think that the other kids at pre-school aren't like this; you simply won't be aware of it but they will ALL have their own individual challenges and problems.

I could have written your post about my ds at this age! I think it's really important to totally relax and accept him how he is; he will move on in his own time. My ds has become more socially aware and has made some good friends at school who he really cares about and he appears to be popular; and one good thing that has come out of his propensity to be with adults, is that he wants to please them and be good for them, which results in lots of praise at school.

Just enjoy him, he sounds pretty enchanting

Thanks again for some reassuring messages.

Mamatres - thank you again. Right now there is nothing else from your list (or others I've read) that worries me - his language seems normal and on a par with his peers, his imaginative play is really good, and he copes well with changes to routine - we have none in this house, we go with the flow(!) and there is no obsessiveness or order about him so far, and he is able to play alone for about an hour before I am summonsed to join in. But we shall just watch and see how he copes as time moves on.

NS - Thanks, a friend is going to lend me that book, so that may help too.

SSU - a very reassuring message, thank you so much. You make a lot of sense to me. In my heart I feel like he is probably OK, just a bit overwhelmed by what is still a relatively new situation for him, we were never very socialable with other children before he reached the age of 2 - my issue, not his. I guess it will just take him some time and lots of reassurance and encouragement from me and DH. It is just a little heart-breaking to have him tell me that he doesn't talk to the boys and girls at school because they are too noisy. But then he tells me almost every day that he loves going to school and he gets upset when he can't go because it's a holiday!