3 yr-old frequent whining and shouting 'mummy! mummy!' hysterically

[time4tea]

any tips for dealing? I've done all the positive reinforcement of not-whining, ignoring, emphasising cheerfully "it's better to talk in a happy voice". DS2 was born recently (9wks) which might explain it - ie DS1 trying to reassure himself that I will come when he calls too. but the whining really drives me nuts, and I don't want to start sounding ratty and angry with him

what's to be done?

Hi there TFT.I reads your OP and came to the bit about new baby and thought "Aha I've been here!!".It sounds as if this could be the crux of the problem.I only have a 2 year age gap between my 2 and those first few weeks/months are really really hard.The eldest is (understandably) a bit put out by the new arrival usurping his attention.DS was terrible for the first few weeks and VERY attention seeking despite attempts to prepare him for the new baby,somewhat optimistic on my part as I was not prepared myself for the sleepless nights plus baby plus toddler!!!

Firstly,and most importantly GO EASY ON YOURSELF.
If you can get a cleaner/ignore the housework as much as possible/get your nearest and dearest to help.

If your little one attends daycare then try to maintain their routine there as much as possible.I found the 2 days without the eldest gave me some opportunity to just concentrate on me and the baby.

I found that the mainstay for the first few weeks was c-beebies and reading books to the elder whilst bfing.To be honest I was so tired my usual strict rules re tv went out the window!!!

I also found that getting dp to look after the little one and spending time with the elder even if just for doing bath and story at night gave him some much needed one to one.Also I occasionally left the baby with dp and went out with the toddler on a weekend morning for 1 to 1 time.

Finally,although it doesn't seemlike it when you are in the middle of it it DOES get better with time,the elder WILL adjust and as the little one gets older will have a fascinating playmate.Do not feel guilty if you have some wobbly "Oh god I am a terrible mother as I lost my rag" days,I do not think anyone can be even tempered all the time in those early weeks unless you are a saint or have a wonderfully good sleeping baby.(I didn't as you can probably tell)

Look after yourself,as it is very easy to forget the most important person in all this when you are dealing with a toddler and newborn and that is you,as you are the one who provides and nurtures the children for 24/7 and you need some time too.

wrinklytum, thanks for such a kind and thorough message. i have been feeling guilty as it seems inevitable that both DS1 & 2 are getting short-changed , but fighting the guilt as they are getting on really well considering, and it is lovely to see DS2's best smiles for his brother However I did lose my rag yesterday (shouting Stop it! stop it! stop it!) but then made up with plenty of tickles.

giving myself a break and tickles may be the answer!

thanks again for being so supportive - Mumsnet to the rescue once again....

I totally agree with what wrinklytum has said. It does take time for everyone to adjust. I went through this last year when my ds was born. Try and enlist as much support as you can and don't be too hard on yourself. It really does get better with time. The turning point for me was when ds started to sleep through the night. My dd was very difficult for the first few months and resented her brother - I had to keep him out of her reach (2.5yr gap), but now he is approaching a year old she is now seeing the benefit of having a playmate. Like yours he saves his best smiles for her!! There will be light at the end of the tunnel - good luck.

after a bit of a run-in with DH, caused by me being absolutely knackered and ratty, while he wants to carry on as we would normally, and even his efforts to give me a break come to nothing (he gets a takeaway for supper, but then just as it arrives DS2 needs feeding and it goes cold....)

... any tips on how we can actually give ourselves a break in this situation. I find 'free' time when DH takes the kids is spent with me trying to catch up on sleep, which then goes wrong when DS2 wakes me to feed, leaving me even more frustrated and desperate...

My sympathies. My DS is a bit whiny at the moment - no new babies in the house but I have major money troubles which are very stressful and poor DS is probably picking up on it, because I do end up yelling quite a lot. But then again, we do have lots of nice moments as well.

Are you able to express some breast milk so you DH can give him a feed. That way you won't be distrubed. If you have loads of milk you could freeze some which will give you a bit more freedom.

T4T - I'm in exactly the same position. Dd1 has just turned 3 and dd2 is 9 weeks old. DD1 also specialises in whining!

Does your eldest go to nursery? Dd1 goes 2.5 days per week and it's a life saver (we don't have family nearby to help out) Dh is also very good at helping out, he often takes dd2 in a sling so she sleeps which gives me time to spend with dd1.

Re the whining, I pretend I can't hear her until she speaks in a normal voice but she forgets for next time. I've made a HUGE effort to be very patient, cuddley and softly spoken with her, even when she's been naughty, to help her feel secure. It seems to have paid off - so far!

time4tea, I'm in a similar position too (well I was a few months ago). When ds was whining, I just said brightly (through gritted teeth sometimes) 'Mummy can't understand you' and I said it again and again and again until he spoke properly. When he starts to cry about silly things, I say 'tears mean bed' or, 'you must be really tired', really brightly. I put him to bed for some time out (and probably a much needed snooze if he's that bad) if I have to say it 3 times. HTH