4 year old awful behaviour

[Wyrdesista]

I’m in despair with him.DS is 4 and has a real attitude at times,mostly I manage it by checking him and it seems to go away.Today we have had two of his little playmates over and he was behaving terribly.Massive tantrum because the other boys who are brothers wanted to play with his cars.DS was having a complete meltdown over it.We haven’t had a play date for a while but last time they came over it was ok.

I told him to share but DS sulked on the stairs for a while.Then the two boys came in to the kitchen and without me knowing had pulled apart the chocolate house that DS built with dh before Xmas.The boys were merrily chomping away on it while DS was sobbing his heart out.I had some snacks out on the table but now wonder if the boys considered the choc house (it’s become more like an ornament to me so didn’t think of it) as another snack?

Didn’t want to tell another persons children off and their parents weren’t there so I told ds to calamities down that it wasnt the end of the world.My df came to collect the boys and my ds was screaming and yelling take them home,I want them to go home.Hes now sobbing on the stairs but I really despair with him.Ive told him to share and explained to him that it’s rude to shout at visitors like that.

Feel like a terrible parent.

Poor you! But of course you’re not a terrible parent. You can see why he was upset about the chocolate house.

I have found it helpful to speak to my kids in advance that X is coming over and if they have any special toys they really don’t want to share they need to put them in a (limited size) box in my bedroom before the guests arrive. Everything left is to be shared. If they get overwhelmed with the desire to play with whatever their friend just picked up, they have to offer a swap or wait their turn if the swap doesn’t work.

I also try and spend most of the play date outside. 3 four year old boys, probably max 45 mins playing in bedroom before pickup time, once you’ve got in from the park and had something to eat.

You don’t say how old a four he is, he may not really be able to understand about being polite. My seven-year-old does, but for my four-year-old I just tell them that this is what is expected. Then I remind them if nec. that they sorted their toys out beforehand and now they are sharing what is left.

I also make the guests share. It helps your kids to see it’s not one rule for them and another for the guests.

Thank you,that’s a great idea about the putting toys aside it would definitely be something I’d do in the future.

We hadn’t told ds about the boys coming to play because the last two times we had play dates arranged and df has rearranged or cancelled.Shes lovely but a bit flakey at times.

DS only just turned 4,he doesn’t really understand about politeness although I did explain to him it was rude to behave the way he did.

Thanks for your advice,I’m a nervous wreck tonight.Its strange how something like this can be so upsetting.

Ah OK, I totally see where you were coming from but sounds like he got a bit caught on the hop Wyrdesista. You can tell him they’re probably coming so you need to get ready, but your friend wasn’t quite sure so he shouldn’t be sad if they don’t come. He can probably understand that now.

He will also if necessary be able to understand that IF he behaves well for his guests he will be allowed to watch his favourite TV programme/ be read a special story/etc once they have gone home. I think that’s fair enough when he’s entertaining people he doesn’t particularly like (kids of your friends, for example). I do this when we look after our neighbour’s two year old. I don’t offer rewards for being nice to their own friends, though.

Try not to let it upset you, it is really draining but four year olds have meltdowns. My youngest is more of a handful than her sister and it works well to follow through on logical consequences for appalling behaviour (tip I got from nursery). It’s better if the consequence is connected to the appalling behaviour, and it has to happen right after or they can’t link it to what they did. For example: he won’t share his car, you take the car away for the rest of the day, rather than banning TV later on. Threaten, warn, finally warn and then follow through. When I’ve done this the trantrum has been epic but the behaviour has been much better afterwards and these days the threat is usually enough.

It's a hard lesson but those boys were rude! Four or not they should know not to help themselves in someone else's house.