How to get 7yo DS to talk about feelings?

[screamingeels]

DS is 7. He is pretty typical but has some issues with impulse control and frustration tolerance. So I read 'the explosive child ' for tips and was trying to institute the first part of strategy, empathasing.

I said "so I see you having some issues settling down at bedtime and listening to a story, what's that about?' and nothing. DS grinned manically at me and zoomed about the room pretending to be a footballer.. me 'how do you feel, when we say its bedtime'. looks at me , grins - resumes zooming... 'do you find it hard to stop what you are doing' still utterly no resonse. Went on for about 5 minutes, i left lots snd lots of pauses but he didnt utter a word.

This is a common theme - the not communicating rather than zooming. If he doesn't want to do something he'll just say no, never explain why, however gently we explore it. In cases where he thinks he's done wrong, he'll take himsef off and hide under the bed so he doesn't have to talk about it.

I think not talking about feelings fuels his frustration intolerance. But as he literally says nothing, I've got nothing to work with.

Any ideas?

Bump

One of the ways to develop emotional literacy in your kids is to talk about your own feelings and to wonder aloud at theirs. My DC are adopted and my 6 year old had no language for feelings - she couldn't tell me at all what she was feeling. I've spent a lot of time talking about my feelings, so lots of "I really enjoyed doing X with you, it made me feel happy", "I'm sorry I shouted at you, I was feeling very cross and didn't cope with that well" type stuff. I would also wonder aloud, so if DD was looking frustrated or angry I'd say something like "you look really frustrated with X", or "if someone did X to me I'd feel very hurt". Something else that helped was when we are reading together at bedtime wondering out loud how the characters in the story might be feeling. That gave her a way to test out feeling words without it being attached to me or her, which felt less exposing for her.

Empathy won't come immediately, if he's struggling to name his feelings for himself he won't understand that other people have feelings and his behaviour can impact how they feel. So when you're telling him how you feel don't expect him to feel sad or sorry and try not to get angry if he hardly acknowledges how you're feeling - it's a learning process.

My DD is more able to talk about how she feels so now we do gentle care games with her soft toys, helping her to learn about gentle touch, comfort and caring "bear looks very sad, do you think he needs a cuddle, let's help him feel happier".

It's slow work but he will start to link what's happening with how he feels and what he does.

Absolutely agree with what Jellycat says. I started writing an answer before Jellycat posted so some repetition in my answer-

He will find "how do you feel?" type questions difficult to answer so I would start by naming his feelings and your own.

So maybe start with "you seem very cross" or "you seem restless tonight. It looks like it's hard to settle down" or "there's no need to feel ashamed" if he's hiding. And leave it at that to begin with.
Narrate your own emotions eg "I'm a bit cross that Dad forgot to put the rubbish out when he said he would...", "I'm really disappointed that auntie Kate can't come to tea after all" etc. This too will help him to name different feelings. When you are naming your own feelings make sure they are authentic to the moment - ie only say you are feeling happy if you really are and it shows- otherwise it might confuse.

Even really emotionally capable children who can name their feelings will often struggle to explain why they feel a certain way. (Adults too) So instead of asking "why are you angry?", make it easier by thinking of suggestions, "you look really cross, do you think it's because of the fight with your brother?"
This way he will start to learn to better connect feelings with what's happened. If you ask why he's angry and he can't say, you risk that he ends up feeling not only angry but stupid too

Children often get scared or ashamed of their own strong feelings so try and normalise them a bit too with examples of your own. "We all get cross- do you remember how cross I got yesterday when X happened? I'm sorry I shouted" or "yes I find it hard to settle down at night too when it's been a busy day" or "we all feel bad sometimes - I hurt your dads feelings when I said X the other day and I felt really ashamed of myself after" so that he knows it's normal to have these feelings.

It might feel safer for him to develop emotional skills by wondering about how others feel instead of exploring his own so talk about friends/family/people on telly/in books eg "I heard Thomas broke his arm on holiday. He can't play football for a month. I wonder how he's feeling about that? I bet he's very disappointed/frustrated etc ."

If you are building up his ability to talk about his feelings from a low baseline then don't be surprised if you are doing 99%-100% of the talking at first. That's fine. But it will help him anyway to know that you are recognising and understanding how he is feeling.