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Behaviour/development

Talk to others about child development and behaviour stages here. You can find more information on our development calendar.

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Original poster

Boys and "Rough & Tumble" Time...?

16 replies

Mo2 · 26/07/2004 17:02

DS1 is 4.9 - tall, strong and boisterous.
DS2 is 2 - tall, strong and wriggly.

They are both VERY loud.

The 'game' they most often seem to default to together is loud, shrieking, rolling around the floor, climbing over each other, sliding off the sofa sort of wrestling.

DH says it's just a boy thing and they need to be able to 'rough and tumble' so long as neither as them get hurt.

Personally I hate it, and am constantly trying to get them to stop it. (We do have rules about not jumping on sofas/ beds). I just can't seem to help but equate it with agressiveness and fighting.

When is 'enough, enough' in your books?

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happycat · 26/07/2004 17:08

mine rough and tumble but I call time when one of them is no longer enjoying it.I have two boys and they need to do it.My friends who have girls can't belive what goes on in our house I have become much more accepting that boys do need this type of play and keep an eye on them but am much more relaxed.They are not allowed to do it on the sofa and beds either.I do try to make sure they go out in the garden as much as possible

enid · 26/07/2004 17:18

Its definitely not a boy thing - my two (very girly!) dd's (4.7 and 21 months) spend a good 50% of their day doing this. Jumping and rolling on top of each other, jumping all over the furniture, screaming and play fighting.

They both need walking like puppies every day, especially the older one, she can take a 2 hour walk, no problem, and they both swim for hours.

If they are ever aggressive I have a rule that one of them goes in their room for five minutes. Its very wearing....

enid · 26/07/2004 17:20

Actually I do have a slightly different take on it - I don't see it as something they 'need' to do but more as a sign that they are bored and need to go out and DO something!

lydialemon · 26/07/2004 17:28

Well in my house at the moment.....

DS1 (6) is playing playstation, whilst DS2 (4) is lying on the floor behind him to stop him sitting down properly. So far DS1 has sat on DS2s head at least 4 times, and is now threatening to fart on his head......they are both in hysterics.

We have started a new rule this morning that 'rough play' goes in the bedroom or the hall so that DD (8.5 mths) doesn't end up squashed. However if the boys are wrestling on the floor and DD can get to them she's more than happy to belly flop on their heads, pull hair, dribble etc. She has a tendancy to 'win' these battles as the boys know they have to be gentle with her, but she has no such restrictions

The only way I get out of this , is just to go out and wear them out in the park etc. Sadly we don't have a garden, but I really really wish I had.....

roisin · 26/07/2004 17:29

Do they get hurt Mo2? My boys seem incapable (and always have) of this sort of play without hurting one another within about 30 seconds of the start. Therefore in our house this sort of play is banned.

We find other outlets for their energy. (They are 5 and 7 now btw).

I'm not advocating this as a solution for everybody - my boys are not 'average/normal' in many respects! - but it works for us.

Original poster

Mo2 · 26/07/2004 18:18

Enid - I think I agree with you - I feel that it sort of happens in an absence of anything more constructive! We do tend to try to send them out in the garden, or engage them in something different, but sometimes it only lasts for 15/20 mins or so, and then they're at it again...

Roisin/happycat - tend not to get hurt initially, but like you, I try to call time on it before it does end in tears!

It's very frustrating though - we have a lovely big grassy garden with toys/climbing frame etc etc and yet when I suggest they go outside it's always "Mummy - come and play with us" - or, if I don't go outside, then they're back in again within minutes.... couple of softies! How do I encourage them to be those messy boys I always see at other people's houses?

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tigermoth · 26/07/2004 18:33

I have yet to determine when enough is enough. My two boys love rough and tumble. I don't. I was a shy little girl, no brothers and sisters, lively but never that physical with friends. We used to run around dancing, not wrestle on the floor. To me the whole rough and tumble thing is a bit alien.

But I have decided that for my sons, it is one of several necessary physical outlets - just like being able to run, shout, swing off things and hit and throw balls. I think though, like enid, that rough and tumble is often a signal that it's time to go to the park.

IMO it's also a way of my sons bonding and discovering their strengths and their limits. I hear these awful thumps and screams, imagine they are in agony, but the expression on my sons faces tells another story. The 4 year old, half the size and weight of his chunky 10 year old brother, can be happily laughing even when his brother is pinning him down. They are in a world I am not part of, and I think that's quite a healthy thing. But their play does spill over into pain. I find it difficult to predict when it will happen, so try to break up any rough and tumble that's being going on too long. That's all I can do really, or separate them if one has hurt the other, and make them say sorry, and have ground rules like no jumping on the sofa. But I feel rather an outsider and strangely powerless when the rough and tumble is not causing problems. I don't fully understand it. My sons have this life of their own. Perhaps on some level this separateness is a good thing?

What I hate (yet, paradoxically, understand more) are the secret kicks, thumps and tripping up, accidently on purpose. In many ways I'd rather my sons were having a good honest wrestle in front of me.

iota · 26/07/2004 19:08

my 2 boys love to rough and tumble as mo2 describes. They also love me or dh to rough and tumble with them - (no dignity left rolling around on the floor in our house.)They love being swung round or upside down, violent 'Row Row the boat' - but I am mindful of pulling arms out of sockets etc to am very careful when we do this.
In the swimming pool ds1 (5) loves to be thrown up and dropped in to the water on his back, the 2 yr old constantly jumps in off the side and gets out to do it again.

Oh yes my boys certainly are physical

Original poster

Mo2 · 26/07/2004 19:11

Wow Tigermoth, that is so eloquently put! Thank you.

Like you, I think there is a bit of me that just doesn't understand the rough & tumble thing, and again, like you, I feel alienated by it, and perhaps a bit sad. It's usually at these moments that I find myself thinking, "if only I had a little girl too.."

A friend of mine who coaches the Under 7s rugby team just keeps saying "bring them down to the club!"

OP posts:

zebra · 26/07/2004 19:55

My girl (age 2)usually starts it, Mo!
I think it's a good thing... learning limits and playing rough but (generally) not hurting each other. Learning self-control, among other things.

Saker · 26/07/2004 20:24

My two boys (3 & 5) also rough and tumble a lot. The youngest has various developmental problems including not so good co-ordination and physical skills and whenever they do it I worry that one might get hurt. However because ds2's speech and play skills are not that well developed they don't always find other ways of playing together more constructively and I am pleased that they are able to interact like this fully. My dh is a lot more relaxed about it all than me and happy to join in (which the boys love!) and where possible I leave him to supervise games of bouncing on the bed, falling out of the wheelbarrow etc.

Wasn't there a study recently published saying that children that had plenty of rough and tumble were less likely to bully at school because they understood where the boundaries lay?

Hulababy · 26/07/2004 20:34

My 2yo DD loves rough and tumble games with daddy. They have a noisy, rowdy playtime on our bed when DH comes home from work. It normally involves DD jumping on our bed trying to land on daddy's tummy! She loves it.

Paula71 · 26/07/2004 21:14

Have nothing new to add as I agree with what has already been said.

However, my "enough is enough" is if the rough and tumble becomes a little too carried away and they start hitting lumps out of each other. My two are 2 1/2 so are bundles of energy - I can't keep up! I have noticed ds twin1 will not hurt his brother and it is ds twin2 who usually gets carried away.

throckenholt · 27/07/2004 07:49

My 3 do it too (1 just 3, and 2 18 month olds) - I stop it if it gets too loud or if any of them are getting hurt. Otherwise it is a typical boy thing, and good for them - they learn to use their strength but not hurt people. I was reading a book about bringing up boys and it said that boys that hadn't done this sort of thing were more likely to be agressive adults that don't know how to control their strength.

As far as sending them out in the garden - they do it there as well .

Funnily enough I am more likely to join in than my DH. I have a brother and we did this as kids with our dad. DH on the other had doesn't seem to have done this with his dad or his sister.

Sometimes I feel I need to do it with my DS's to show them when to stop ! I guess that is what my dad did with us.

happycat · 27/07/2004 12:36

thank you throckenholt you worded that well that is what i tried to say at the start of this thread I have two boys very close in age and I feel i know their needs.All of my chilren have a large garden betwwen them a goal post,footballs,climbing frames,playhouse,we do painting thay go to parks,ride bikes and we visit indoor activity places.I don't feel my boys are bored with a lack of things to do.I have read books and done parenting courses because as a woman/mum I felt that I didn't understand my boys and i am glad I did.I know it is not bad behaviourjust part of play and important the same as kicking a football around is.Now boys fight and bicker when they are bored which is totally a different thing.Mind you I have a girl now and she loves rough and tumble too

malinki · 27/07/2004 12:49

My DD (nearly 4) also has a very good natured tackle with her daddy, it starts as soon as she hears the door opening and she runs down the hallway straight into DH, who usually has suit jacket in 1 hand and briefcase in other. But NO he throws them both down on the floor and chases her into the lounge, then they rugby tackle each other to the floor in playful gest, then DD sits on his back, pulls his shirt and he gets up into a horse position on all fours and walks round with DD shouting faster, faster daddy, the problem we have is when DH wants to stop to get changed, and DD wants to carry on, then the tears start, then DH turns her upside down and carries her upstairs where he gets out of his suit and into casuals and DD gets into pj's, ME, I PICK UP HIS JACKET AND BRIEFCASE, I do try and join in, but DD always wants daddy, well he makes a better horse thats for sure

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