I can't cope with my daughter

[Katherine30482]

Hi all,

I have 4 daughters aged 8, 7, 5 and 3. I am a single parent, but my children do see their dad on a Friday evening and every other weekend.

My problem is my 7 year old daughter. I cannot cope with her behaviour. She is so different to my other daughters! She constantly breaks things, she pours water on the floor, she jumps on the beds until the slats break, she pinches me and her sisters completely unprovoked, leaving large bruises and she spits in our faces. She throws things in the cats litter trays. She wipes food round the house, draws on the walls. When we are out she is rude and embarrassing. She regularly refuses to get into the car and I have to chase her. She will run round the supermarket making rude comments screaming. The list is endless. She is completely out of control. I have tried everything I can think of, techniques that work with my other children don't work with her, consequences don't work, rewards don't work. Nothing works.

It is now getting to the point where it's so tough looking after her, I dread spending time with her and want to be away from her. I feel constantly guilty about what my other children miss out on because of her. My house is dirty and messy because of the chaos she causes. I don't know where to find help, with no family nearby who can help and the children's dad only interested in his set days/times, I'm really struggling!! Please can anyone give me advice or ideas on where I can get help, I feel I like I'm at breaking point and I'm considering putting her into care. I don't want this but feel it's my only option as she has me in tears everyday because I don't know what to do.

Thanks
Katherine

Have you spoken to your gp about her behaviour? She could have behavioural issues, in which there may be additional help available to you

Thank you for your reply. I have been to the gp and they have referred her to CAMHS twice but CAMHS won't take her. She has been having play therapy for over a year and made good progress in the 1st 6 months but when my mum moved away (local to 5.5 hours away) all the progress seemed to become undone and worse. Because her behaviour is ok at school it is very difficult for me to get any support and I don't think people even believe how bad her behaviour is. I don't feel it's down to my parenting because I have 3 other daughters who I don't have trouble with. I'm just stuck as where to turn or what to do.

hi,
does your 7 year old daughter act exactly the same when she is with her dad and if so what does he do.
I think its attention seeking if she only does it at home and around you and your other daughters not at school or with her dad
plus she knows she can get away with it, I personally think she is pushing the bounderies to see what she can get away with.
I'm separated from my partner and my daughter who is 6 is fantastic when she is with me, but when I take her back to her mother she shows me no affection and doesn't want a kiss or cuddle in front of her mum before I leave.
the reason being she plays us off against each other.
kids are smarter than we give them credit for but at the end of the day your the adult she is the child.
I would seek professional help.
also I would tell your daughter in no uncertain terms the rules of the house and that her behaviour is not tolerable or acceptable and she needs to change.

Thank you for your response.

My daughter has behaved in a similar way for her dad which has resulted in him bringing her home early a couple of times. After some 1 to 1 time with him over Xmas he seems to have regained control and things seem to have improved for him.

She does like to play us off against each other and I don't think it helps that her dad regularly criticises my parenting to her and her sisters. She has also witnessed her dad speaking to me in an aggressive, insulting way on many occasions too. Although I don't believe this to be the cause of the problems I do believe it makes it more difficult for me to regain control over the situation.

I think there may be some mental health issues going on due to my daughter not coping well with a couple of close family members dying. She will often make comments saying she wants to die. However there doesn't seem to be much support for children who struggle with their feelings and act out because of this, which is what I believe is going on for her.

I also think being 1 of 4 quite close in age, trying to get attention plays a part in her behaviour too.

Katherine
I think your right with your daughter having issues.
The problem is getting to the root cause of what the problems are and if she will open up to you about what her issues/problems are.
I personally would sit her down and ask her what problems she is having understanding if any and explain to her you can talk it through and try to come up with a solution together to make it better.
I would also reassure your daughter she can tell you anything she wont be in trouble and you wont get angry and shout at her, just listen and then try and find a solution to her situation together.
she might open up to you, she might not, tell her you love her and want to help, and she can talk to you anytime.
I don't agree with the dad shouting and trying to belittle you in front of your children about your parenting skills that's not constructive and maybe your daughter might think that's acceptable as her dad does this on occasion.
I think you and her dad need to talk about your daughter, Her traits issues/ problems and how both of you are going to help her through this difficult time.
I hope you don't mind me asking this, is the dad the dad to all four of your children or just the girl in question.
And her dad needs to stop discrediting your parenting skills regardless of what he feels is right or wrong.
Tell him if he has nothing positive to say about you in front of your children don't say anything at all, You don't criticize him in front of the children and vice-versa.
Hopefully the dad will see sense in what your saying and you can both work together in helping your troubled daughter.
I would just like to say I know it must be really hard work raising 4 children as a single parent and that by the sound of it your doing a fantastic job.
I look forward to your reply Katherine.

Thank you very much for a very helpful and thoughtful response.

My daughter will open up on occasions but she often comes across as overwhelmed and not sure herself as to why she is feeling the way she is.

After reading your post and thinking back, I found her more manageable (but still a challenge) when we were having regular conversation, such as those you suggested, but recently it's felt so unmanageable I haven't given her that time and some days just feel like a blur. I will definitely try and be more supportive and understanding of what's going on for her because our relationship is stronger when we keep talking and keep the communication going. It's just so tough on the others with her taking up so much of my time.

To answer your question, all 4 of my daughters have the same dad. I think it's just the difference in personality that have caused only 1 to be having such problems. The daughter who I'm struggling with is very intelligent and wants to understand everything. I don't think this helps with her issues because it seems to add more anxiety/worry if anything.

I'm not sure how to approach the situation of speaking to my daughters dad about the way he speaks to me, I have tried in the past but it never goes well and now I worry about the confrontation/arguing that can occur. Although where I would have argued back in the past I now just take it because I've learnt there's no point in arguing back, it doesn't solve anything and just upsets the children. Their dad has a girlfriend, who he's been with a few years, and she is absolutely fantastic with my daughters. I have considered speaking to her to see if she could have a word but I'm not sure if this is a good idea or not so have just left it for now.

Katherine

If you have spoken to the dad in the past and it hasn't resolved the problem, just made it worse/confrontational and upsetting your children I don't think it would make a difference now unfortunately.
Like you I would be unsure about approaching his girlfriend two it could cause major problems and arguing down the line which isn't beneficial for any of you. Be careful there or very tactful on how you approach this.
I personally wouldn't involve the girlfriend two many pitfalls if it spirals.
All children crave love and attention from there parents and you have to try share it equally amongst your 4 daughters so none feel left out it must be hard and draining at times for you.
What effect does the 7 year olds behaviour have on the other 3 girls you have.

The effect my 7 year old has on the other children is quite significant. My 8 year old sometimes cries about her sister's behaviour and (although I'm sure she loves her) she behaves like she hates her sister and is reluctant to let her sister play with her and can pass mean comments. This certainly doesn't help my 7 year old and I have tried talking to my 8 year old to see if they could have even 10 minutes a week together where just the 2 of them do something together but my 8 year old won't do this. However if I think I could find a way to improve their relationship it would help both of them. My 5 year old is a pretty easy going child, at times she is influenced by my 7 year olds behaviour but I can generally get her back under control. My 3 year old is good when my 7 year old is not around but is very influenced by my 7 year olds behaviour and often joins in with her, I don't think she understands how wrong it is because she is so young and wants to please her sister. It seems like a game to her. My 7 year old will be worse if she can get her sister(s) to join in because they are giving her attention that she wants.

If I pull my 7 year old aside and have a chat it generally prevents things getting too out of control. However a chat to do this often takes 20 minutes because my daughter will not focus on what I'm saying and her attention wanders to other things and she keeps changing the subject so I have to keep bringing the conversation back so it is not always easy to pull her aside to do this, for example if we are getting ready for school I haven't got a spare 20 minutes. There is usually some anxiety about something or she is tired or feeling sad/angry etc when the behaviour is out of control but it doesn't seem to take much for her to feel intense emotion and be unable to regulate how she feels. I have tried talking about feelings many times but my daughter just shouts and won't discuss how she feels/why. I feel helping her to manage her emotions is what I need to do to improve the situation but I don't know how to help her do this.

You do have your hands full, what a nightmare.
I think the 7 year old loves the attention she gets and the younger children join in to try gain the same attention which is a shame as they don't know any better or understand the situation.
The 7 year old is very intelligent by how she changes the subject just to drag it out longer for more attention and to wind you up which she will be aware she is doing. Also getting the younger girls involved and on her side is very manipulating and very draining for you.
Its good and very important that you as a parent gain control of the younger children quickly so it doesn't escalate. Which I know your aware of and are doing a fantastic job.
The 8 year old also comes across as very intelligent by not wanting anything to do with her sister as she knows her sister is being naughty/silly/and seeking attention.
She doesn't want to play with her sister because she knows she is a bad influence, or just doesn't like her, or the way she treats and upsets her mother. or the way she manipulates her younger sisters. or all of the above.
You will have to have a chat with your 8yr old to find out why she doesn't want to do anything which involves her 7 yr old sister.
Another alternative as there very close in age and I presume will be the last 2 children to go to bed.
You could suggest playing a game or doing an activity together before bedtime although I don't think this will work its worth a try. Plus it gives you the opportunity to talk to your 8yr old when she says no to the idea to hopefully get an insight into why she feels resentment to her sister.

I have just read the message I have sent you Katherine and would like to add.
I know its not the 8 yr old with a problem or issues but think it would be good for you to have an insight as to how she feels towards her sister.
Hope that makes sense to you.