unaffectionate 14 month old

[Jakethekid]

I have a 14 month old son. I have noticed since he was quite small that he's quite unaffectionate. He only likes being picked up when he's realy upset. Doesn't give hugs or kisses and if you try and hug or kiss him he will push you away and run off.

I know I sound like I'm being very pfb (and maybe I am) but it is bothering me enough to take notice. When he was smaller he would rarely make eye contact (he's a bit better now) and he still will constantly ignore you when you call his name. He had his hearing tested at birth and there was no problems. He's very vocal (more shouting, not actual words) so I don't think it is a hearing problem. He also doesn't have a favourite toy or blanket like the milestone information says he would normally.

I did mention this at his 12 month review and I was told it's normal but it's concerning when all other babies around me seem to be developing much more in this area.

Does anyone else have any experience like this and when/or if it changed.

Thanks in advance

Just to add, he is very curious and will happily walk up to other family and strangers and offer them toys etc. He has only recently (within the last month) come out of his shell and previous to this would shy away and cry from strangers or other family.

It sounds like autism and I dare say someone will tell me I'm over reacting but there were very few signs except these with my 3 year old when she was under 18 months and she is very much on the autism spectrum. My younger dd is now 18 months today and I know before we even start down the referral route that she is autistic too. I feel like a bloody expert now as all I've done is research the signs!

I didn't know what autism was back then when dd1 was younger but these are red flags op.Have a look at m-chat for toddlers and see how he scores.

Here are some general signs but you should bear in mind that autism tends to become more apparent as they get older, dd1 had less of these at 14 months and has almost all of them now:

Lack of eye contact
Lack of gestures (pointing, shaking head etc)
Does not respond to their name
lack of shared interest (showing you toys, wanting you to watch them, sharing play etc)
Does not show affection or doesn't initiate it (my dd enjoyed hugs but didn't come to me and didn't hug back, she did smile though)
Lack of facial expressions
Acts deaf, ignores tones in voice
speech delay (Asperger's there would no speech delay though)
Does not play imaginary play or limited play skills
Repetitive actions in play or anytime
hand flapping/finger flapping or patting objects (stimming)
Lining up toys (mine didn't do this one)
Rigid thinking (eg my 18 month old get's upset if we go downstairs the wrong way-she has to be by my side not in front of me)
Lack of interest in other children
Very independent
Absence of a 'lovey' (my 3 year old did get attached to a teddy around 2.5 in the end)
Sensory issues
walks on tip toe (this may not happen at 14m)
spins in circles (one of mine does, one doesn't)
Likes climbing and/or climbing inside boxes
Studies objects or stares at detail in pictures

there's loads more but the 3 umbrella's of autism are: Issues with social skills, repetitive play/rigid thinking, communication issues.

Also have a look at the online downloadable ASQ forms and try filing one in, you can google how they score those and it should give you a really good idea of the areas where he is behind.

Thank you very much for your detailed response.

This has been my worry for a while but I was told I was overreacting. My nephew is autistic and I don't think I would be able to cope with that. My son is very demanding of attention as it is.

A lot of those points I say he falls under but then my anxiety tells me it's just what most babies do. He does try to talk but he hasn't said any words yet. He's been walking since he was 10/11 months. He has no problem with smiling or anything like that though. He's a very animated character.

He's recently become very stroppy and naughty and will throw himself on the floor in protest to things. Since birth I found him to be very hard work but I suffered with post natal depression and thought it was just that or that the pnd had made him like this. At his 12 month review I was told effectively that his behaviour was my fault and that I should be taking him to mum and baby groups (my anxiety makes this hard for me to do). How long would you keep an eye on things before you ask for professional opinion do you think?

Phew glad I haven't offended you!

You are NOT overreacting! My hv is coming back next week to check on my 18 month old and see if he needs a referral to speech and language therapy. You know you're own child and there are some pretty big red flags there so well done mum!

Trouble is it's very hard to know anything much before 2 and very difficult to evaluate before 18 months at the earliest. This is often because symptoms emerge as they develop. So my 3 year old could pass for typical probably right up to almost 2 and a half and certainly at 18 months I would have been told I'm hysterical. The hv hinted at it at her 2 year check and I thought she was over worried until I read up the symptoms and realised she had quite a few. Now at 3 it's so much more obvious and she's very different to her peers!

Ok what to do IMO is to do some research and note down any speech he has or learns. This is really important as they often regress later or lose words. So for example at 13 months my younger dd had- cat, dad and quack. At 14 months she lost dad and quack, by 15 months she had cat and ball. She's now 18 months today and has no more words and won't repeat the 2 she knows unless very excited.

Keep a diary of his speech and gestures, does he wave and clap? My 3 year old used to wave then stopped sometime between 18m-2yo. That's why the diary will really help.

Definitely let your hv know your concerns but expect not to be taken seriously yet as they can't do much at the moment. does your area do the 2 year check? Mine does and that's the best time for a referral to speech and language therapy (SALT). Salt will refer on if they notice ASD signs a they are trained to spot them.

Please feel free to ask me anything else at all OP. You are not mad and these red flags are signs of autism. He may not be autistic but there's reason to suspect it and you are very observant which will help your child massively if it is that (or any other developmental delay).

Hi @Jakethekid, I’m in a similar boat (such an active child!) and just wondering how your son is doing now? X

He has actually become a very cuddly little boy now he is nearly 4. We did go through a very rough patch after his brother was born and he would scream and scream but thats passed.

He still doesn't have a favourite toy or things like that. He gets very addicted to watching weird things over and over (like adverts, sky help etc), but as for affection I'm glad to say hes a loveable little boy. It makes me appreciate it so much more now because he wasnt as a baby. These little addictive personalities have helped with him becoming a smart little boy too. He can read really well. Hes not in nursery yet as everything is all a bit upside down this year.

How old is your child?

Dear OP, it is great your son is doing well. Your son is nt, right? I have unaffectionate 15months old as well.

Were not sure if hes nt or not as we never ended up taking it any further with health visitor or doctor. I figured we would wait until hes in nursery and see how he would be evaluated there.

I have an unaffectionate 18 month old and he doesn't seem on the spectrum at all. He is so active that he sees hugs as preventing him from being active (constricting). The only affection I get is when he wants to be picked up where he rests his head on my neck or when he is being bf he strokes my boobs. At 14 months I was also worried a lot but within the last 4 months, he has changed a lot and is still coming out of his shell. His language isn't great but is imitating every word I say and is using a few of the words he knows in correct context. Keep an eye on him but don't worry also a lot can change.

Thanks for replying @Jakethekid, really appreciate hearing updates and so pleased that yours is so positive! Mine is 14 months old now - I’m too wondering if it’s typical toddler behaviour or more of an ASD red flag. He knows his names and sometimes responds but often completely ignores us as (he used to respond better when he was 12 months before he learned to walk). He’s not pointing with his index finger yet but points with his whole hand. When did you find name response start to improve and when did your little one start pointing?

@Dixiee, really glad things changed so much for you too. What were the things that made you concerned?

He didnt really start talking until he was 2 so up until then he was pretty ignorant to being called by name. I think learning to talk really helped because he realised he is understood and also it was more fun to be interactive because I finally knew what he wanted. It wasnt so much that he was engrossed in what he was playing with that he didnt react to his name though. I have another son that's now 18 months so I see a massive difference between both my children at the same stage (however my 18 month isnt really talking either, but I worry leas about that now).

My eldest was walking on his tip toes (which I'm aware if a red flag) until about 3 or 4 months ago but that seems to have stopped now.

Does your child react to anything you say to them? Maybe call them a fun nick name that gets their attention like a silly name and see if they react to that.

Less*

@newbiemummie thank you. I was worried about lack of pointing and sharing interest and also he seemed in his own world. He didn't point until he was 17 months and now he is almost 19 months is pointing at everything and within the last month has started to point to request things and also shares interest. He is more connected with people and is communicating with gestures and games or sharing interest. My DS was also ignoring me at 14 months and wouldn't respond to me calling his name which now he responds or hides from me with a cheeky grin knowing he has done something naughty.

He wasn't interested in any activities and now I can make him sit in his high chair to colour things or read books and play games. A lot has changed between 16-18/19 months. He is playing with his toys appropriately which happened in the last month. I had other concerns such as he started randomly doing hand flapping at 14 months but stopped after a few weeks and hasn't done it in months. He is now tip toeing but looks down at his toes as if he is exploring it and started to walk backwards and doing all sorts of physical things. I'm still not 100% ruling out the possibility as his language development isn't so great and with the tip toeing but a lot has changed and it feels like I have a different toddler now. We have an appointment next month for his speech but he is also being taught two languages which may contribute to slowing down the language development. He loves children and when we go out in the pushchair and he sees other kids he tries to get out and play with them or communicates them. Playing with kids he tries to hug them or pats them on the back but then they end up playing alongside or fighting each other because they don't want to share toys.

@Dixiee Thank you - that’s such a lovely update and just a reminder of how much they change and develop in just weeks or months. I definitely have those concerns at the moment - lack of index finger pointing, sketchy response to name and sometimes in his own world. Did you do anything different to help support his development?

It doesn’t sound like your little one has any red flags anymore so it might, as you say, be a slight language delay. A friend of mine who has bilingual household said their son’s language exploded when he was about 2 - so I think it’s quite common!

@newbiemummie thank you again. I was similar to you but I kind of didn't do anything extra apart from spending uninterrupted 30 mins a day with him just commentating and following his lead more for the language development. I got the Sally Ward Baby Talk book which had interesting insights in it. My DS was exactly 12 months when lockdown hit and we had no contact with anyone outside our household until July. DH and I agreed to go abroad to see his family who live there and we spent 6 weeks there having a holiday and also seeing his family. DS started to change after being around different people from his family and then he started to change while we were out there throughout August and September. I think being around people, playing with kids and doing loads of outdoor activities such as swimming, going to the park, going out for meals and generally being around people either helped him or he got to a stage where he "clicked". He pointed while we were out there and started connecting and using more gestures to communicate. So I'm not sure if it's to do with lockdown or if it was just a coincidence but a lot has changed. I'm still trying to help his language each day and doing activities with him. Your dc is the very same age as my one was when I was worrying a lot and decided to wait until 18 months before I took it further.