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Behaviour/development

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Original poster

Can a 2 year old understand the word sorry?

16 replies

MadeForIt · 25/04/2007 14:22

Over the last few days my DD (2.1) has begun having almighty tantrums over the slighest things. Previous to this she was reasonably good natured, so I think it is the terrible twos.

Today she slapped the glass of water I was drinking from out of my hand. Which she knows is naughty and so I told her to leave the room and come back when she's sorry. (A method I am piloting.) So of course, she starts with a humongous crying episode with 'no sorry' in sight. So I put her in her cot and told her to let me know when shes calmed down and is ready to apologise.

She is very intelligent for her age and incredibly articulate. So I have been making her say sorry about things she has done wrong and I thought she understood because it's worked several times. However, today, she screamed and screamed until the point that I thought she might be sick and refused point blank to say sorry, even if it meant she could come out of her cot. I had to wonder if she was being stubborn or if she genuinely didn't understand what I was saying. Do you think I'm being too optimistic to expect her to apologise at this age? And anyone got any better ways of dealing with this kind of thing?

Please don't slate my discipline methods. I am trying to figure out what's best at the moment.

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Chocolateface · 25/04/2007 14:28

I don't think she'll understand what sorry means, but she will say it just to please you. If she feels so inclined!

WigWamBam · 25/04/2007 14:38

Over-optimistic, I think.

She isn't old enough to know what the word means, and she's certainly not able to go away and only come back when she's sorry because she's a bit too young to know how being sorry feels. She isn't old enough to understand empathy yet, and won't really understand the concept of sorry until she does.

Making her say sorry is one thing, but I think it should be immediate - she will have forgotten all about it very soon after it happens and won't know what she's supposed to be saying sorry for. She will probably tell you she's sorry if you teach her to do it when you ask her to, but at the moment, as CF says, it will be more to please you than because she's sorry.

dionnelorraine · 25/04/2007 14:44

My dd is 2.3. When she is naughty I tell her to stand in the corner and face the wall. Which she does. It calms her down, chill out minute. Then I say 'come here and say sorry' and she says 'sorry mummy/daddy' and gives us a hug. This works nearly all the time. Not quite sure she understands this fully but she associates it with being naughty, standing in corner. It works for us.

lemonaid · 25/04/2007 14:46

I think she is old enough to know roughly what it means in the sense of when it's used, but she's almost certainly a bit hazy on the details -- i.e. she probably grasps at least to an extent that "sorry" is what she says when she's upset you, just as "please" is what she says when she wants something, but she isn't likely to have a concept of feeling sorry, or of associating it with the word. As WWB says, that comes as she develops more empathy, which she will do gradually over the next couple of years. And once she's got really wound up she's going to need to calm down before the more rational part that thinks of saying "sorry" because she's begun to learn that it's expected kicks in.

Original poster

MadeForIt · 25/04/2007 14:50

Thanks guys. I guess I just want her to know shes done something naughty. She won't stay in a corner or leave the room if I tell her to. Hence, putting her in the cot. I guess its just about her going in the cot until shes calmed down, rather than until she's sorry...

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GooseyLoosey · 25/04/2007 14:51

I would have done more or less what you did Madeforit. I think they are old enough to have an understanding that slapping a glass of water out of your hand is wrong and sorry is what you say in recognition of that. I doubt she has any grasp of what it means but don't really think that matters for the moment.

I have found with my own LOs that there are sometimes that they get themselves into such a state that any discipline is pointless - they get beyond the point of recalling what it was all about, they are so hysterical. At this point, I abandon the attempt and just hug them!!

Original poster

MadeForIt · 25/04/2007 14:52

DD is now playing with her dolls telling them to say sorry to each other!!!

Oh why don't children come with instruction books?

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WigWamBam · 25/04/2007 15:00

Goosey, I quite agree that she's old enough to know when she's been naughty, and that sorry is the appopriate response - even if she only says it because it's expected of her.

I think the problem here is the delay - being sent away and told to come back when she's sorry. She can't do that because she doesn't have the empathy that's needed to feel sorry. Small children forget really, really quickly, and if the sorry isn't immediate then their minds are somewhere else and the focus for the apology is gone.

Lovecat · 25/04/2007 15:02

They make the children say 'sorry' to each other in dd's nursery - if they refuse they get told they have to go and see XXX (the manager) - despite being a lovely woman she's obviously a very scary person to them, because the few times I've witnessed this threat, they immediately say sorry!

As to whether they understand it or not... I'm really not sure dd does (she's 2.2) except as in what WWB said, that it's something you say when you've been naughty. For the record, I do the cot thing too - she'll only go and stand in the corner for about 20 seconds, so the cot is the safest place to contain her!

Having said all this, my friend's dd (who is v. advanced verbally at 2.5) hit another child the other day, my friend not only made her say sorry to the child but then asked her 'and why are you sorry?', her dd then said 'because it's wrong to hit'.... we were all a bit 'oo-ooh', but this child is incredibly precocious!

ScottishThistle · 25/04/2007 15:08

At that age they don't understand the whole sorry concept, I've never made a huge deal about it.

I also suggest you ask her to say sorry at the time & not several minutes later, children forget very quickly.

I personally wouldn't use the cot as a method of punishment, you may have problems with sleep times in the future.

Greensleeves · 25/04/2007 15:10

Yes, without a doubt. My 2yo understands what sorry means, and when it is appropriate to say it, and also how to say "I am NOT sorry, I am going to do it AGAIN!!" grin]

hana · 25/04/2007 15:12

I would say my 2.3 year old does know what it means, but she has a 5 year odl sister - maybe she know s because she sees her sister saying it?

Original poster

MadeForIt · 25/04/2007 20:32

i did think about the stigma that dd would then attach to cot but there is nowhere else to put her! I am going to get a stair gate for her room door perhaps then she will just 'go to her room'.

The times the 'sorry' as worked, I have made sure DD understands why, she does say, i am sorry for... whatever it is. It was just today, her complete defiance made me think that maybe she doesnt get it at all!

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onlytheone · 25/04/2007 22:57

It is very difficult. My DD also very articulate and bright. I have made her say sorry for pushing/hitting etc etc over the past year rather than just a "sorry" as this does lose it's meaning. It is far more likely to be understood if you reinforce what she is saying sorry for. I would also not put in cot or even room, as I don't agree with her bedroom being used for punishment. We have tried the sitting on stairs but our DD just gets off and comes running in laughing! Withdrawing something a toy (perhaps not at the age your DD is ) has worked and bringing her home from playgroup worked very well. On her own territory, it is more difficult. A stern voice works well if you can do it well enough!

mumeeee · 25/04/2007 23:12

A two year old will not fully undrestand the concept of sorry. You can teach them to say sorry when they have upset you and they will begin to learn what sorry means. But at two they are to young to be told to go out of the room and come back when they are sorry as they will have no concept of feeling sorry and will not know why she has been put in her cot.

maximummummy · 25/04/2007 23:37

my 2.4 ds says sorry and i really believe he understands what it means
however he has to say it immediatly and have the reason he should be sorry explained to him
if he hurts another kid - say at playgroup - i always make him say sorry he will usually give the other kid a hug - now they may well not understand the true meaning of sorry at that age BUT ithink it is a very usefull skill to learn (even if you don't mean it) as it diffuses the situation and other parent is happy something was done - so really it is just a gesture

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