Help dp and I get our bed back please. bit long.

[peachespaige]

I hope you can give me some usefull tips:-) My ds2 is 9 months old and has shared a room with his older brother since he was 6 months old. He has always been absolutely fine doing this and goes to bed at 7pm and up between 6ish and 7am.
For the last week he has been going to bed and has needed settling occasionally but then is waking between 9 and 10pm very upset and will only then settle and sleep in our bed, (we dont even need to be in it)!
So here is a 9month old on a kingsize bed while mummy and daddy are in the spare room in a small double!
We've tried giving him milk which he drinks and then still doesnt settle unless its our bed.
we are thinking the last option is cc, which Ive never done.How???
I cant do it whilst he shares a room with ds1 as it seems unfair to him so think we'll have to move ds2 into the spare room. Or give both boys our room and we'll move.... Arrghh what do we do?? Sorry to babble on.

If you have a spare room, personally, I would give the boys a room each. This solves the initial problem of him disturbing his brother.

As for your bed, maybe I'm too harsh, but if you don't want him in your bed, don't put him in your bed. Maybe he's had a couple of bad dreams that have disturbed him and now the regular waking has become a habit for him?

I would try switching the rooms and hoping that this changes things for him and going from there.

Thankyou LLJ. Thats not harsh at all, it makes sense. I dont suppose you have any tips on cc.
Thanks again

Um, not really as TBH, I don't like the idea of it and would never use it. If you want to, of course that it up to you and I'm sure that there are people here who could help you with that.

For me, the idea of CC comes in when there seems to be no obvious reason as to the childs inability to get to sleep (or back to sleep as the case may be). I would want to exhaust all other options first before resorting to CC as it is difficult, though some say it works.

I dont really want to use it but cant think what else to try. We've given milk, tried a night light, a pillow case from our bed, music, staying with him, cuddling him to sleep and then putting him back in his cot, none of it has worked. Perhaps I havent tried each one for long enogh. But people keep saying "the longer you leave him in your bed, the harder it will be to move him".
Perhaps Ill search for other methods.

Give the boys a room each. ds will enjoy the excitement of having his own big boys space.

Having just got my dd sleeping all night in her own bed, my initial thought is that you are giving your ds2 a rod for your backs by trying to find different things to settle him. I don't mean this critically, just been there, done that iykwim!

Don't give him substitutes such as milk, because what will happen is that he will continue to wakeup for the milk (or any other substitutes). What you need to teach him is that there is nothing happening at night that he is missing out on, so he might as well sleep.

Instead of cc (which would be very harsh on a 9 month old and hard to do with other child in house) just do 'rapid return'. No eye contact, just gentle reassurance by 'shusshing' and sitting beside cot with light off (or night light). No stimulation but the reassurance that you are there. After couple of nights go outside the door and go in and out (to get him use to you leaving and to learn that you will come back).

I hope this is of some help. Honestly it is as simple as this - if there is nothing physically wrong he just needs to learn that everything is ok and that his cot is a great place to be! And remember you are not being mean to him, you are being a good mum by teaching his this - he benefits by getting a proper night sleep.

Good luck!

I would say that he likes being in your bed with you and knows that as long as he doesn't give in, then he'll get to sleep in there with you. The thing with CC is that you just don't give in. Ever. I think it's feasible to apply the principles of CC to any method, but you have to be in it for the long haul. Every time you give up on something, his will gets a little stronger.

I would give him his own room and see if the change of scenery would be enough to break the cycle. But you should say that once he goe sin his own room, that is it, there is no more sleeping in your bed. Fresh start and all that.

I've had to use CC as a last resort and found it really distressing but it did work. I followed the HV's advice. I put ds to in his cot and settled him down. When he started crying I left him for 5 mins then went into him and settled him down avoiding eye contact and gently saying its time to sleep. I then went back to him after 10 mins and then repeated. If he was still crying it was every 15 mins thereafter. It was really really horrible and its not for the faint hearted. I found getting my DH to do it a little easier because all I wanted to do was to cuddle and b/f him. With my dd we used a similar method but started at 1 min, then 2 etc., She was less stubborn than ds and it only took 5/6 mins to do the trick. DS on the other hand is much more willful so we had to set the time we went back a little longer (as per HV advice who ran a sleep clinic). Good luck if you choose this method it only works if you do not cave in (easier said than done)! HTH

Thankyou so much.
They become the biggest part of our lives yet they're tiny humans!
He is so much more sensative than ds1 who has never liked being in our bed, even when ill! He doesnt like cuddles and wont sit still but ds2 loves to be held and would sleep all day as long as he was near you so cc seems harder as he is so cuddly!
Im looking forward to making his new room nice for him though and Ill have a think about the pick up put down thing or cc.
If I choose cc I think I'll do the 1min then 2 then 5 as Im not sure I could manage 10mins straight away. I sound like such a wimp!

Sorry, not pick up put down but rapid return...

You are not a wimp. The hardest thing in the world is listening to your baby cry.

Well Ive been trying to get ds2 to go for his afternoon nap (which he always does no probs) but today although shattered he fought it. So I left him for a bit and then went in and did this 4 times and it seems to have worked!
Thankyou ladies.

i'm so glad it has worked for you. Long may it continue!!

Congrats!

The real test will be tonight, but Im positive and ready!

Hope you had a successful night, last night?

Well we didnt end up trying last night as dp was called out so we decided to wait until we are both around. Tonight is the night.

gradual withdrawal.

night 1 - exoect no sleep; put yourselfon a mattress in his room; stay with him but don't let him in your bed... then over a few nights shuffle your mattress out the door.

pick up put down works well for us - but you have to be as patient and consistent as a sphinx before it tsakes

I've used CC in the past and it did work. DS shared a room with older sister and she didn't wake (no idea how.)

However each time go on holiday or away for a weekend, we are back to square one.

Some DS / DD seem to need the reassurance. I've now given up. He shares our room when he needs to. , hopefully he'll grow out of it by 16!

Well the strangest thing happened (Im sure ds is psychic), last night he went to bed fine and woke at 9pm so I gave him his teddy and he went straight back to sleep until 6.40am!!
Im certain he knew what was coming, or buying new curtains and rug for his new room that caused it?? Well Im not complaining. We'll see how tonight goes.

Good luck!!!