My 6 year old hates her sister

[OddshoesOddsocks]

I have 2 dds aged 6 and 2. Long story short, i was a single mum to dd1 for her first 3 years and dd2 was born when she was 4. I am with dd2s dad and dd1 does not see her dad at all which obviously is a big issue for her in itself. To add to that, dd2 was an all consuming, breast fed, exhausting baby so taking all this into consideration I was expecting some sibling rivalry.

Ive tried my hardest to treat them equally, make time for both of them alone etc but there seems to be a deep set resentment towards dd2 from dd1.
Dd2 is a typical 2 year old, a pest, into everything, wanting to do everything her sister does and gets frustrated when she can't.

Dd1 (although is rarely forced unless the situation calls for it) despises holding her sisters hand, reluctantly says goodnight and will never say I love you. She hates sitting near her or playing with her and shows no caring instinct towards her if she hurts herself, struggles with something or gets upset.

There was a glimmer of hope today when dd2 fell asleep on the sofa and dd1 got her comforter and blanket for her to cover her. I could have cried when she showed me and I praised and praised her for being so kind to her sister and 'doesn't it feel nice to do something kind for her' to which she agreed. Fast forward a few hours and she's refusing to say goodnight or even make eye contact with her.

Does anyone have any tips? Any advise?
I've said to her things along the lines of how important it is to show her how to be a good sister/ be kind etc. She's learning from you, lead by example etc. I also reinforced the importance of sisters and how she will be your best friend forever if you let her and she'll be there for you forever.

I hate to see my usually kind dd1 act so dismissively of her sister and dd2s little face crumble when her love isn't reciprocated. I'd hate for their relationship to be ruined before it's had a chance to get going

Thanks

Lurking very to see what the tips are. My eldest would hsppily push the youngest under a bus if he thought for one minute he could get away with it...

Lurk away everyone, its horrible isn't it!? Although I'm a little glad that there's someone in the same boat!

Interesting to see what replies you get.

My kids are teens but I found that treating them like individuals rather than oldest/youngest etc was effective. The older child didn't choose to be older so rather than say that she needs to be kind because she's older, I'd say that she needs to be kind because I know she's a kind girl. I bet you have lots of examples of dd1's positive behaviours like kindness, braveness, smartness that you can use in such talks,
Talking about setting a good example because you're older just breeds resentment imo. It's far too much pressure for a 6 year old who'll wonder why younger siblings don't have to set a good example. Also it's hard for a 6 year old to imagine being an adult so the stuff about being friends with her sister when she's an adult is too strange a concept.
Do you ever sympathise with dd1 when dd2 has annoyed her? I know that my kids appreciated me "telling off" the youngest when they'd been annoying from the older kids views. (Before anyone flames me, the telling off was a calm "Don't knock down the Lego tower" even though ds2 was as young as 12 months old. It was about acknowledging to the older ones that younger ones can be annoying)
Does dd1 have a physical place that she can play without dd2 interrupting? My second child was always annoying the older one by being super competitive so he needed a place, hobbies, friends... that were dc2 free.

Watching with interest as dp and I are only children. However we do have 3dc (aged 5 , 2 and 2 months), so we have been thinking about this a lot.

The trouble with a good relationship at this age seems to me to be that the pressure is all on the older one. The younger one doesn't really understand the older ones games or sharing or whatever so if they play together, the older one has to constantly put in the work to adapt to be kind to the younger one. Its hard work hanging out with a toddler. I find it hard work being so patient so it must be a lot of pressure for a 5/6 year old. I think it's important not to expect this of the older one - they didn't ask to be a big sister.

As for the nurturing stuff - I think it's best to think that's mums job. Some kids are naturally maternal with little ones but some aren't and shouldn't be made to feel bad- they didn't chose to take on a baby/toddler.

Thinking about all of my adult friends, some have close sibling relationships and some don't. And many of the siblings I know who fought the most as kids are the closest as adults. I don't think how they are as kids tells you if they will be close when they are older.

Also, the stuff about being friends when they are older is confusing - surely that may not be true? They might be bffs but they might also not and surely that's ok?

We try to uphold the basic rules like no hitting, no teasing, no snatching but we try not to expect and more of them than that. If they are affectionate, it's a bonus.

Things that have helped reduce resentment in our house, in addition to what jaime said, are

• Making sure the older one knows it really is fine if she doesn't always want to share her toys / games with her younger sibling.
• If I want her to do something eg help the younger one then asking her as a special favour to help me and saying thank you afterwards.
• Acknowledging that it's hard work being a big sister and that 2 year olds are indeed pesky.
• Getting the younger one to say sorry if he trashes something the older one is playing with like the Lego tower.
• to constantly try to explain the children to each other "he didn't mean to upset you and ruin your game - he was just so excited to play with his lovely big sister and he's too little to understand the rules"
• Putting a positive spin on things eg when the baby hit dd1 in the face explaining that babies wave arms and legs when excited, so probably it was cos the baby was so excited to see lovely big sister!
• Noticing when one of them does something kind for the other one and making the other one say thank you seems to encourage them to notice and appreciate each other.

Hi! Would any of you lovely ladies be willing to have a chat with me about sibling rivalry. I'm making an online talk show for the Nurture Channel (Youtube & Facebook) and we're looking for people to talk about when their kids don't get on. Message me if you're interested in talking further. x