DD sad and lonely after changing schools

[wombat2]

I am very worried about dd1 who is 8. She has become very withdrawn and unsociable over the last year or so, previously she was very lively and chatty. There's been so much change in her life I suppose it's not surprising (I got divorced from her father following DV situation, new house, new school, I now have a new dp who she isn't very keen on, dd2 is disabled which she sometimes finds embarrassing). I feel guilty that so many 'bad' things seem to have happened in her young life. She has been incredibly strong really...

Since she moved school in January, she has found it hard to make friends. No one has invited her round for tea or to play. I have tried to ask friends round but am not getting very far (doesn't help that she had to go to after-school club most days for the first term due to collecting dd2 from school). She goes to karate and choir but hasn't really made any friends through that. When she is at home, she tends to hide in her room and just is never sociable. When dp is around, she hides away and never comes out of her room. I have tried talking to her and she says she has no friends and is sad... What should I do???

I really feel for you, I remember when we moved to a completely different area when i was about 8. I found people pretty hostile towards me at first when i started the new school.
Why doesnt she like your dp?

Make an appointment to go and see her teacher. This must be heart breaking for you.
Perhaps the teacher can shed some light on how things are going at school, and offer advice.

Also, are there any local out of school activities that she could join? For example Brownies? sometimes you get a different mix of children with less entrenched friendship groups in OOS activities and clubs - if she has some friends outside, that might boost her confidence. Little girls try so hard to protect their parents, they don't always tell them about problems. Oh - sorry I have just seen that she does Karate and choir.

Maybe it is the home situation that is on her mind - perhaps she has issues of trust in relationships?

Have you considered counselling through the ED psych or GP? You could discuss this with her teacher. HTH

I'm not sure why she doesn't like dp - she seems to find him scary and is nervous of him - he is v tall and strongly built, but not sure it is that. He has no kids of his own and doesn't find it that easy to relate to her, doesn't sit down and play or talk to her much... She has a very close relationship with her Dad, so dp is really a sort of imposter as far as she is concerned.

She is also struggling a little with her school work and some of the other children in her class seem to take the mickey a bit... I will try to talk to teacher first. Do you get referred to Ed Psych through GP or school? Thanks for advice...

Oh she sounds so sad. This must be difficult for you. Seems like she needs a massive confidence injection but I'm not sure how to go about it really so not much help. Agree with the talking to her teachers' idea. Would your DP or XH be able to look after DD2 for a day and you and DD1 have a whole quality time day out together? I do hope she feels better soon.

You can get counselling through school or GP. i would suggest talking to teacher first, then GP, depending how you get on.

Thanks I will see what teacher thinks. Last time I spoke to her she thought dd had settled in well!

Is your DP around alot? It sounds really worrying that she isolates herself in her room in the evenings when he's around, because that's the only time you would get to talk to her about school, life in general and really get a picture of how she's feeling...or so it seems to me.

Is it possible for you to reduce the evenings that he is around for a time, just while you're so worried about her and until you feel you have a handle on how she is feeling and how she can be helped.

I just think she needs to be feeling that she has the 'run of the house'....she needs time and space to open up to you I think.

But I'm sure all her issues have an element of time helping them....she will get used to the new house and new school in time and having a close relationship still with her dad will help too.

I think you are spot on sunnysideup. She is a bit happier when he is not around, although still rushes off to her room as soon as we are home from school. If I try to talk to her then, she just wants to be left alone. I think she does seem to need time alone to unwind, to some extent she has always been like that, but it has got beyond what is normal IMO. Dp is happy to leave me and dd alone together to have fun - so perhaps we need to do more of this.

thanks wombat. It just reads a bit as if the new DP is just that one thing too many for her at the moment...she is coping with everything else but I guess that's just a bit much at the moment. I'm sure it won't always be like that.

specially as she has a mum who will obviously put her needs first

Thanks It is hard as the last time I had a new boyfriend, there were no children on the scene, so juggling everyone's needs is now that much more tricky!! I think you have probably really hit the nail on the head. I hope as you say with time she will gradually get used to things...