The only time my 5yo and 2yo aren't trying to kill or maim each other is when they're glued to the telly - I am such a failure

[BotBotticelli]

Life in my house is awful. My 5yo is a flipping handful. He is so rough and boisterous and lashes out at his 2yo brother so much.

We have visual house rules which we talk them through every day (4 simple things that are not allowed: rudeness, hitting/hurting, running indoors etc and 4 good things that they should try to do - be calm, talk nicely, share etc).

They get one warning and then a timeout for breaking the rules. If they have a good day when they follow the rules they get to choose a treat from the corner shop accross the road (lolly or buttons or if it's been a good couple of day a magazine).

And YET still our house is like a crazed chimp enclosure. They are semi feral and completely wild. The younger one is learning roughness from the older one. I feel like a total failure. They're such a handful and the only time there's calm in our house is when they're watching telly. Any sympathy?? Anyone else got a family's like this?

This all sounds very familiar! I don't have any advice unfortunately, but you're not alone. My 3yo DS terrorises his little sister (18m), and I can see her becoming more boisterous as she gets older.

My friends kids hold their parents hand, walk quietly next to them, stay close etc and my two couldn't give a monkeys where I am and just bolt.

I used to spend all day shouting but then my eldest started shouting at me and I realised that there isn't any point getting cross at them.

So now I try not to let it bother me -

You hit your sister? Tv off and time out (somewhere boring, the hallway or similar)

You don't want your lunch? Fine. There's nothing else to eat though.

You two keep fighting? Tv off and separate rooms for a while

Etc

But I totally get where you're coming from on the rough play though, I find it hard not to get stressed because I'm terrified they'll hurt each other.

I do however have one or two friends with kids that are also 'a handful' and they feel like this. You're not alone!

Hopefully someone a bit 'super nanny' will be along soon and give us some tips.

The book ‘Siblings Without rivalry’ is worth a try.

My initial thought is that 2yo is too young for ‘rules’. My life would be miserable if I spent the entire day trying to enforce rules like that on my 2yo, they just don’t understand. Second thought is that chocolate as a reward is probably counterproductive, especially if they’re having it almost daily. Sugar makes my 2 behave terribly. Try and see everything from the perspective of your children. For example, if the older one snatches from the younger one, it’s because he wants whatever it is. He doesn’t understand why his wanting it is not as valid as his brother’s wanting of it. Putting him into ‘time out’ doesn’t stop him wanting the thing. It just makes him mad and sad. Notice that as soon as time out is over he goes straight back for whatever he wanted in the first place? He didn’t learn anything and will probably do it again. I’m not saying there’s an easy or obvious alternative but in this situation I find just acknowledging the situation really helps, even if it sounds awkward. Ie, ‘I know you really want the fire engine right now but your brother was playing with it first and snatching it has hurt his fingers and made him cry’ sometimes that will be all it takes but otherwise I would then encourage the older child to find something exciting he can swap for the fire engine. If that doesn’t work I would try to distract the younger one with something else. You might think that that isn’t fair or isn’t teaching the older one how to behave but in all honesty, he will get it, just at a pace that is appropriate for his age. If that doesn’t work I'd suggest a different activity or toy for the older one. If it really is battle over the fire engine I'd just remove the older one from the situation until he'd calmed down or the fire engine became available, whichever comes first. It's just about changing your approach. Not saying I always get it right and sometimes I’m too tired/stressed and just snap at them. It never works though.