When you feel like something is wrong but not sure what

[smellsofelderberries]

I will aim to keep this brief. DD is 13.5 months. Bright, happy, lovely girl. Very active, always on the go.
I just feel like there is something not quite right though, and I just can’t place it. Most of my concerns could be easily dismissed as personality traits, but there is something in me telling me something is off. I was having a few concerns about autism but she’s come on hugely in the past 2 weeks with her communication. She is definitely very clued in to what’s going on around her.
I suffered badly this past year with PND and PTSD from being left with injuries from birth (I have almost been hospitalised twice) and wonder if we hadn’t protected her from that as well as we thought we had.
I’m not sure what step to take next. We have a paed referral for Feb but I don’t think it will be very valuable (private too, so don’t want to spend the money if it’s not going to head us in the right direction). I am actually leaning towards a good child psychologist or psychiatrist over a developmental paed at the moment. Has anyone here gone down either route and found one to be better than the other? She isn’t physically delayed (her fine motor skills need a little work but aside from that there not much about her development that’s concerning).
Has anyone had similar worries and it turned out to be nothing? Part of me wonders if, now I’m (finally!) starting to feel a bit better physically, my traumatised brain isn’t just waiting for the next thing to go wrong and so I’m hyper-focused on everything being a red flag

What are your concerns, OP? Can you pinpoint anything? You say she’s bright, happy and active with no physical delays and making progress with communication. Reading your post points towards it being your anxiety that is at work here - but of course I haven’t met your DD, so maybe I’m missing something.

I hope you’re ok. It sounds like you’ve had a stressful time

WIse words from Capelin there ^^

Agree with Capelin.

Why has she been referred to a Paed? Has her GP/HV expressed concern or is it that you are going private because you think something should be spotted, but the GP isn't seeing it?

It does sound like anxiety speaking, but, of course, we're not seeing your dd.

There will be others much more well versed in these matters than me, but I’m not sure what child psychologist would be able to tell you at this stage. I believe professionals won’t consider a diagnosis of ASD for example until a child is over 2.

If you have concerns about your bond then a child psychotherapist could help.

Capelin, she feels disconnected somehow. From me. Like this morning I had a lie in and DH got up with her. When I came into the front room and she saw me, she got up excitedly and came running over, but stopped short and wouldn’t come for a cuddle even though I was holding my arms out. She has only recently started letting me comfort her if she hurts herself, and this was after she suffered a minor burn and I had to hold her tight for an extended period while she was being treated at the hospital. She seems to have a heightened sense of when I’m upset too, she gets very upset if I am upset. She is almost overly friendly with strangers and I am fairly certain she would not be distressed if I left her in a public place and she was taken by someone else. She won’t sit on my lap at rhyme time, or to read stories at home. She is very open and engaged, but doesn’t seem to show particular preference for my husband or I over strangers. She seems to be wary of me sometimes, which is hardly surprising since my emotions have been very mercurial for the past year. Not in a way that she seems scared of me, just that she seems to be too independent because she doesn’t want to rely on me? Like I said, the things I’m concerned about could just be personality quirks and my anxiety is running away with things, I am very, very willing to accept that could be happening.
I was initially worried about her not responding to her name and lack of joint attention/pointing, hence the paed referral, but she was very jet lagged at the time and we had just had a big overseas trip. I don’t have concerns about this anymore (name response is great, she is starting to look like she’s isolating her index finger when whole hand pointing and her joint attention is getting better). We are not in the U.K. and it is common to go private here.

Sorry you are worried OP, it sounds like you have had a stressful time. Without having met your DD, this sounds very much like our very happy and healthy 20 month old DS. He is our first and we have found ourselves having to feel our way and go with the flow, not having had any prior experience with babies. He is very engaging with strangers, sometimes he responds to his name, sometimes he doesn't. He won't take my hand in the street. Sometimes he runs to me (funnily enough he often does stop at the last second which I see as exerting independence, or being cheeky). Sometimes he ignores me. Like I said at the start, I still know he is happy and healthy. Your DD will be aware of you being upset and that may be confusing for her. She may be very sensitive to your feelings and is reacting. I do believe in a mother's instincts. But at the moment, yours may be ramped up due to a rocky year. I am also a believer in happy mum, happy child. If it is possible, I would try and get regular time just for you - even half an hour each day -to switch off and make yourself feel more relaxed. Having a baby/toddler is all consuming and quite frankly, exhausting. We could all go mad with worry if we let ourselves. It sounds like you and your OH are doing a brilliant job. Your DS will become stronger as she grows and so will you. Much love xx

I have an 8 year old with aspergers and I also have a 1 year old DD. Because my older son has aspergers I am more aware of how my baby is doing socially. There is nothing in what you describe that would make me think your DD has autism. She sounds quite normal - most humans have little quirks that mean we aren't entirely 'normal' (whatever that is!).

I would focus on trying to deal with your own anxiety because it would be good for your DD to have a more relaxed parent. I am someone who can be quite anxious but I noticed how chilled out my friend is about a lot of parenting things so I'm am trying to be a bit more like that. It just seems like a nicer way to be for the whole family.

Not a professional but I think your DD has picked up on your (extreme) anxiety and is trying to figure out how to deal with it. It also sounds as if your bond has been affected. You sound very, very wound up and like you’re constantly analysising her. Have you had counselling/therapy to help you heal over the trauma of birth?