Urgent help, adivce, sympathy....etc needed!!!

[barefeete]

I have DS1 (18 months) + DD (5 weeks) and have just moved 4 days ago to the british virgin islands where i know nobody. My problem is with my DS and his lack of eating. i have been reading MN messages about fussy eaters for months but tbh i just keep stressing about it.
DS has literly not eaten anything but toast and marmite or peanut butter sandwichs (which he has now gone off also!)or months. He got porely 3 months ago and since then has refused to eat any hot meal in a bowl. He will eat some fruit - somethimes he will take my apple and eat that, oranges, or raspberries and soft fruit (which we can't get here in the bvi). He used to eat cherrios but hates the american ones we get here. he will eat rasins and yoghurts but won't eat any meat at all. Today all he ate was a piece of toast with marmite with some rasins(breakfast), a small piece of bagette which he refused to have butter or marmite spread onto and threw a tantrum, he licked a piece of lettuce and ate a bit of mango ( DH and I celebrated that one!!!) and then about 3 rasins for tea and he sniffed a piece of raw pepper. I feel so stressed by this, not because it is a batter with him as i am trying so hard to remain calm and have fun mealtimes, but because i hae no idea what to feed him.
The tantrums we are have from him are hideous but i am sure that this is to be expected when we hae just turned his world upside down. what do i do? what shall i feed him? can he live on toast and marmite? feel like i am loosing my mind and cry a lot. Haen't got PND but feel like i am going that way. sorry this is long but i have know one else to ask.

Two things to suggest. The first is that you really shouldn't give him a second choice. If you only offer him what you are eating as a family then very very quickly he will learn to eat what's on offer. it only takes a couple of meals if you are firm. However, if you can't do then I think you have to just give him a multi vitamin and stop stressing over it because it's not going to change.
Second - Jet lag goes away in a few days with regard to sleep, but it takes weeks in my experience with regard to eating and hunger. When I lived in London, I travelled to California twice a year with my 2 dc from when they were newborns. In my experience, it would take on average 2 weeks for them to be hungry at the new time mealtime. Even thought they switched to sleeping at the correct time within days. I learned just to be prepared with food for them at odd times and not expect them to necessarily eat at meal times.

Would agree with only offering one choice. If he's hungry he'll eat. You have to be firm on this one.

As for yourself - are there any other Mums near you who you could invite for coffee and a chat or a park where you could perhaps get chatting with other parents? You have just gone through 2 of the most stressful things in life within about a month so don't be so hard on yourself. Best of luck. x

to build on previous post I think you should just give him whatever you're having and all sit down together as a family to eat (even if its not your mealtime take a small plateful)

then have a pleasant mealtime .. no cajoling him to eat, no focus on the food on his plate, no encouragement / admonishments .. try to chat to him and to each other and eat happily yourselves

it is very easy for your child to copy what you are doing

half the problem will be the focus that you're putting on him because you're worried ... not many people would like to be cajoled into taking every mouthful

you can praise every mouthful he decides to take to reinforce the positive

but give him what you're eating (and eat balanced / wholesome unsalted food) and give it a couple of weeks

good luck

I agree with the other postings. Give only one option and all sit down together. Know its hard but don't stress out about it. Your DS1 will pick up on that and the cycle continues. Never heard of a toddler starving itself - it will get better. When my DD was a toddler we went on an all inclusive holiday for 2 weeks and all she ate was yoghurt and bread and butter - but survived. Enjoy your new home, find out where the local parks/play areas and most importantly beaches are. You will quickly make friends.

Hi, my ds was a very fussy eater. I got myself completely woulnd up by it, too.

Firstly completely take the focus off food. Treat it in a "couldn't care less" way in front of him. He is probably as stressed as you are about it. I remember the hour before meal times in our house as a nightmare. I became so anxious about it I know it affected him as well.

Secondly, sit down together. This takes the focus off him at mealtimes. If he does eat something then praise calmly and go back to your conversation.

Thirdly, introduce new foods gradually. Start with what you know he likes, then add say a piece of raw carrot on his plate as well. Don't make a big deal out of it. He needs to become familiar with stuff before trying it. I also used to leave bits of food in the kitchen. Sometimes my ds would wander in and pick up a breadstick becasue it was in fromt of him. Also introducing some nice but not so healthy foods such as crisps may help him realise that there are benefits to trying new foods.

You will also find that when your baby eventually starts eating solids, he will copy her. I used to see my ds watching his sister eating. You could see him thinking "OK she thinks that's nice, maybe it is". When they began to eat togther it took the focus off him as well.

So there is light at the end of the tunnel. At 2 yrs my ds would only eat Thomas the Tank Engine Pasta shapes. He is now 6 and ate Shepherd's Pie last night. . Let us know how you get on. I think it is one of the most stressful things.

Thanks to everyone for your thoughts. We have started to eat together when we arrived here. it was difficult before because we were at my parents place and they eat at very particular times. It has made meal times easier and more relaxed although we still hae had plate throwing etc. I know i have to remain calm and i really have been but the products in the supermarket baffle me and i don't know what to feed us all. I found Dolphin yesterday in the fish department - DH said he wouldn't eat this!!!!! will just keep going, and will do meal planner - maybe that will help me.

I have to secong what Quasi said about giving him foods you know he will eat with something he usually won't on the side.
As a child I was the worlds fussiest eater and my parents never ever made a big deal out of it just gave me what I would eat with something they were having on the plate too and never made mention or fuss. I do remember sometimes eating things I would normally have turned my nose up at just because it was there. Now I am probably still fussier than most but will at leat try almost anything and I do have a really good balanced diet.
It is worth remembering that it is supposed to be something like a dozen times that you need to offer a food to a toddler before they will accept it.
One of the good things I can see about you moving somewhere where the food is different is that you will all be trying things outside your comfort zone so it may be good for you to see how your ds feels about foods that are unfamiliar or that he thinks he doesn't like.

Not a criticism but I was thinking that I hope your dh never said in front of ds that he wouldn't eat dolphin (not that I fancy that either) it might be a good idea to all try new things and try not to show too much distaste for something in front of him for the time being.

You ladies are genius's. We have been eating together as a family now for 4 days and today DS ate mango, pizza (amazing!!! as it isn't fruit), licked a piece of lettuce, sucked carrot and ate ice-cream (not healthy but something he wouldn't open his mouth for before), and a whole plum. He is obviously happier at the table and even picked up food that we had on the table and tried it without it being offered first. I feel like celebrating. Really a big thanks for the support as i have felt all alone on this one. it is nice now that DH is really involed in the food thing to and is coming up with great ideas for meals and food options.

Sorry for the late reply but hae been busy with kids all day.

barefeete, I can relate. When I first met my dh his kids (4, 5 and 10) would come to visit us. Family meals and homecooked food was a completely new concept to them. I was very firm about family meals and everyone eating what was served at the table and no one getting up (especially dh) before the meal was over. Dh resisted for a short while, but as soon as he realized that not only did his children start trying foods that they would never have normally eaten (and enjoying them), but that actually once they got into the swing of it, it was a wonderful bonding time...he was converted. They are now all horrid (and I'm not exaggerating) teenagers and rarely visit dh (and I'm in the usa now), but they still talk fondly of the family meals (and my cooking) that they had at our house.

By the way, dolphin (mahimahi) is actually a lovely fish. Don't overcook it. You can probably find smaller thin fish like catfish or tilapia. Saute them in a frying pan with olive oil, garlic, salsa (or fresh chopped tomatoes). Very very tasty. And it can be done in advance and heated up later. Those fish don't get overcooked easily.