Could he be autistic? Excluded from school. Help!

[Lily2009]

Hi - it’s late but desperate newbie here looking for support. My 10 year old son has been excluded from after school club for alledgedly hitting the after school (AS) teacher (who’s a nursery member of staff). I had the call from the Headteacher this afternoon that she was excluding him. No notice period, no meeting with me, just heard one side of the story from the AS. I was furious. I have no family around here, work full time as a semi-senior manager with a large team to manage therefore taking time off work isn’t an option. My DS has always had difficulty in social situations, reading cues, behaving appropriately at times. I have long suspected from the age of 2 that he displays mild signs of autism. Over the years I have sought help from a range of professionals both within and outside of school but to no avail. Only his childminder who cared from him from 12 months to 9 years thought he had issues. She finally threw the towel in with him a year ago and said she couldn’t look after him any more. I’m desperately worried about him. He has no friends at school. He has said on many occasions that he wishes he was dead. He has obsessive behaviour and compulsions. I’m at my wits end and I really don’t know where to turn to get help. I’ve tried through school, I’ve had 3 weeks of 1 hour emotional support from a senco type lady visiting him at school to discuss emotions etc but that was short lived and didn’t address the root causes. Please please can someone help? Or at least empathise with similar situations? This is not bad behaviour from a child with no boundaries. I have a younger daughter who is the complete opposite and responds appropriately to my parenting (and social situations). Both are bright intelligent kids. I really just do not know what to do and who to turn to 😔

Have you seen the GP?

I'm so sorry that this is happening. Please keep pressing for an assessment, the should should be supporting you in this. Maybe this will be the trigger that make them take action.

It's unacceptable to hit a teacher, so the exclusion is understandable but you should have been given more details.

Yes, in the past but more recently been focusing on help through school and pressed for child psychologist assessment numerous times over the years and been refused. I agree, maybe this is the final trigger to get proper support. My son hates school and he is so lonely with no friends. I do what I can and will be doing even more now.

OP, try posting on the Special Needs board for advice.

You're not alone.

Has your DS had a full neurodevelopmental assessment or has this been blocked by professionals who are dismissing the possibility of autism for the wrong reasons?

You need to ask your GP for a referral to a community paediatrician if you haven't already had one.

The fact that he has been excluded is horrible but it should be helpful in that nobody can say that there aren't issues in school.

Can you get the childminder to give you a letter detailing the behaviours that she was concerned about? She shouldn't express an opinion on whether he has autism, just what she observed.

There's an online forum called ASD Friendly. It's free to join and, although it's not been that active recently, the threads on there are hugely informative. It was a lifesaver for me when my DDs were diagnosed.

Dear Goldmandra - thank you for the reply. I am very interested to follow up on your idea of a full neurodevelopmental assessment, this sounds exactly the sort of thing that could be helpful. Yes, when the childminder quit, she wrote me a long letter detailing everything she’d observed from the age of 2 (which is when things became noticeable to her). We both shared this with school at a meeting at the time but again this was dismissed. My son can’t hold a question in his head for any time without forgetting it, if I don’t allow him to ask it imdediatedly he forgets it. He has impulsive behaviour. If I ask him to do something with more than 1 or 2 instructions in the same sentence he can’t process it e.g go and get your jumper, it’s upstairs in your school bag. Simple stuff but in other respects he’s smart - high attention to detail in things he has a keen interest in - Lego/drawing a particular type of Porsche. Never more than one or two interests at a time - obsessive about them. He’s also very black and white and will argue until the cows come home if he believes he is right (even when proven wrong!). Doesn’t this paint a picture to you? I have lost count of the number of times I have met with school to get him support for social situations which have been a source of unhappiness for him his whole little life.

It sounds like your DS has difficulties with executive function and working memory. Both are common features of ASD.

School teachers aren't trained to rule out or diagnose ASD. These decisions should be made by clinical psychologists and other professionals with significant experience and qualifications that equip them to recognise the various ways ASD can present and make decision based on the NICE guidelines. Teachers usually based their opinions minimal training and experience and they are often wrong.

Thank you so much for your thoughts. I’ll do some research on executive function/ASD. You sound very knowledgeable and it’s reassuring to me. I’ve spoken to his dad tonight and thankfully we will be going into school as a united front on Tuesday. Having spoken to our son again tonight and gone through the alledged incident again with him we are both pretty certain that he didn’t hit the AS teacher. It does doesn’t add up at all. I know that probably sounds unbelievable that a professional would distort the situation but she was making physical contact with him when he was crying and upset trying to hug him and he didn’t want her to. He had removed himself from the source of upset by going into an empty classroom to cool down and she followed him in. One thing that has come out of this is that we cannot be ignored anymore, it’s got too serious for that. Dad has agreed that if school won’t help us access the right professionals that we will find it through the private route if necessary. Thanks again for your advice, I really am extremely grateful for it.

I know that probably sounds unbelievable that a professional would distort the situation but she was making physical contact with him when he was crying and upset trying to hug him and he didn’t want her to.

Sadly it sounds far from unbelievable. I know far too many parents who have come across this and I have been blatantly lied to and about by education professionals over the years of having to fight for SEN provision for my DDs.

Children with ASD often have sensory processing difficulties which make it very hard for them to tolerate unwelcome physical contact from others. This is especially the case when they are in an aroused and distressed state. I always ask my DDs for permission to give them a hug when they are upset because sometimes it can compound their distress.

I think it is appropriate for an adult to follow a child who has removed themselves from a situation to calm down and to offer a hug. However, it needs to be recorded that touching your DS without his permission can upset him further and prevent him from using strategies to calm down.

An occupational therapy assessment could help identify and record the effect unwanted or unexpected touch could have on your DS and any other sensory processing hyper or hypo-sensitivities he has.

Every LA has to provide a SENDIASS service which provides advice and support to parents of children with additional needs. Some are better than others but it's definitely worth making contact with yours in case they are good. Your DS's school are required to give you their details if you ask for them.

One thing that has come out of this is that we cannot be ignored anymore, it’s got too serious for that.

Absolutely!

This blog post might help you with having to be one of 'those' parents. It's well worth reading some of the other posts on the blog too.