Teacher's comments re: my ds

[LJsmum]

I was talking to ds' preschool teacher today (ds has recently turned 4) and she was telling me how he is doing. Apparently everything is fine except for the fact that she is wondering whether he has some kind of auditory processing issue, or whether it might just be a stubborn streak/wilfulness. She said that while he seems to be fine socially & gets on well with the other kids, she has to continually keep reminding him not to take things away from other children while they are using them. Apparently if he sees something he wants, he will just go and take it, whether someone else is using it or not. She said that while this is quite normal initially, she thinks that by now the message should've gotten through because he's been going there since February, and she keeps having to tell him the same thing all the time. She suggested that I might want to talk to a paediatrician about it, or an OT, just to have it assessed. Am a little concerned about it now.

Also she said that sometimes when she speaks to him, she has to say something several times because he appears not to be listening, but doesn't know if this is because he is ignoring her or being stubborn, or whether it could be something else. I had his hearing tested when he was 18 months old and there was nothing wrong with it, & he's never had a problem with ear infections or anything. She said that he is quite a strong personality, can be a bit wilful but very loving at the same time, interacts well with the other kids, and participates in all the activities. On the good side she said he has an ear for music and a 'phenomenal memory'. Well at least something positive was said!

I'm wondering whether this kind of thing sounds familiar to anyone and whether it could be something that might cause problems for him later on (like at school). I know what she means in a sense, because he is quite impulsive - even when he KNOWS what to do/what not to do (like remembering to look before crossing a road) he will still do it without thinking. My brother apparently had some kind of auditory processing thing as well when he was at school (whatever it means!!) and he did experience a few problems. Any thoughts or information about this would be appreciated - thanks.

LJsmum, I've just booked a hearing test for my DS, as I'm never sure whether he's ignoring me or is deaf!

However, as soon as I'd booked it, I read a bit in the Steve Biddulph book, Raising Boys, which said that for some unknown reason, boys have surges of hormones between 4 and 6 which upsets their hearing. So they quite often appear to be deaf or ignoring you, leading to extreme irritation! Don't know if that might be causing the deafness?

Is it possible that his hearing may in fact be a little too good? I only ask because some of this sounds a little like my ds1 and the problems he sometimes has. I'm not for a single second suggesting autism. I'm thinking more of my ds1's hypersensitive hearing. As he hears so much that the rest of us don't hear he tends to block out some of the noise around him. He does this so well now that he won't realise someone is speaking to him unless they say his name first, make sure they have his attention and then say what needs to be said. My ds1 also has a good ear for music - partly because he can hear so much more in it that the average person. He also has a good memory for sounds. If he overhears a conversation he may sometimes repeat the entire conversation word-for-word, including copying the speaker's voice.

Of course it may also be that he is just showing completely normal behaviour for a 4 year old boy. HTH

Try this simple test of your child's hearing or to see if they're ignoring you - whisper "would you like some chocolate?" and 9/10 times, they'll hear you when they'd normally tune out your voice! I'm certain DSs screen out things they don't want to hear and only hear "good" things.

I would go with coppertops last comment as the most likely answer - it sounds very normal to me regardless of what his teacher said. Whilst it makes sense to get it checked out to make sure there isn?t a genuine problem there, not following repeated instructions is very normal behaviour for children - especially if the instruction is something they really don?t want to hear! Grabbing a toy is an impulsive and emotional act often with little thought other than the obvious "I see itt, i want it" thinking. For a child as young a four to have that kind of thought in the middle of a busy room with lots going on and be able to think "However, Mrs Xxxx has instructed me on several occasions that it is not kind to grab toys off others as I wouldn?t like it if I were in their situation and so I will go and find an alternative form of amusement..." is asking quite a lot. He is really young and will learn with time. Getting a child to follow behaviour patterns that they clearly aren?t going to like is hard work even f they are able to understand and agree with the reasons behind them. Perhaps a few sanctions, even target setting and loads of praise given when he is playing and sharing nicely would be a better route to follow especically if he is strong willed.
Just one other thought - not aknowledging an adult when they speak to you is also quite normal - especially if he is receiving negative remarks that he might not want to think about let alone answer. Maybe he doesn?t like her or maybe it is just quite hectic and so much going on that he can?t concentrate on all of what is going on so just doesn?t take it all in - we do it as adults, drift off in the middle of a boring conversation especially if something more interesting is going on around us.

Just a thought but how is he when he's not at pre-school? If he's fine and you've never had any concerns then that would be a strong indicator that he's just doing what other 4yr-old boys do.

Coppertop we have noticed at times that the not hearing/ignoring thing seems to happen at home as well, but I didn't think it was anything out of the ordinary. As StripyMouse said, I thought it was pretty normal behaviour for a 4 year to be stubborn & ignore what you say, and also for them to try and take toys away from other children.

I guess the thing that has concerned me from time to time is that he IS very single-minded and it is hard to detract him from doing something he wants to do. He also doesn't always listen when an adult tells him to do something, but I didn't know whether this was normal or whether he is more stubborn than the average child.

Coppertop, is it your ds1 who's autistic? I did an autism test online once just out of interest (the one suggested on Mumsnet) and it came out that there was basically no risk of ds being autistic, although I'm aware that there are different levels of it. The only thing I thought he could've had once was ADD, since he was so bl**dy active at one stage That doesn't seem to be too much of a problem anymore though.

LJsmum - No autism alarm bells were ringing for me from your post. It was when you mentioned an auditory processing problem that I was reminded of how ds1's hearing affected him. The sensitive hearing thing can be hereditary and can be entirely separate from autism.

IMHO if the teacher's comments were a big surprise to you then it's likely that your instincts are correct and your ds is just doing what 4yr-old boys do. Certainly I would have thought that grabbing toys was perfectly normal. In fact one of the unusual things about ds1 when he was younger was that he DIDN'T grab things. I would also be more surprised if a 4yr-old WAS able to cross a road properly all of the time.

If you are still worried about the auditory issue would it be possible to ask your brother what his experiences were, or maybe another family member who knows? It wouldn't hurt to mention it to your HV/GP but it really doesn't sound as though it's something to worry about.

I do think 4 year old selective hearing is a likely reason for this, though persevere with the hearing tests. IME Hearing levels can vary and if there is a mild problem it might not get picked up at one appointment.

Teachers used to say my oldest son wasn't good at listening or remembering things they said - yet he had good social skills and a very good memory so a bit like your son. He had to have regular hearing tests, as his hearing fluctuated, and it was only when he was 9 years old that the doctor decided he needed a grommit. Having the grommit did help him listen first time to instructions, without a doubt. I was quite surprised at the change. His hearing still isn't perfect - he may well have to have a grommit in his other ear - but I can spot when he's going through a deaf phase - he is less likely to follow things I say as quickly.

His mild hearing problems haven't caused him any language problems - he's very articulate and one of the best readers in his class, according to his teachers. And he always kept up with other work. Socially he's been fine too. His behaviour used to be a bit of issue, but not now.