Professional help with toddler behaviour? (South London)

[ParentOfOne]

As per the subject.

We are both exhausted by our 3-year old. I'd like to understand what kind of professional help, if any, one can seek with respect to problematic behaviour in toddlers. We are willing to pay privately - it needn't be a GP referral , which might only apply to the most extreme of cases.

Who can help? A psychologist? A paediatrician? Some other kind of counsellor? Ideally it would need to be in the Wandsworth - Lambeth - Southwark area, or somewhere central but easy to reach, e.g. Victoria.

Our daughter can be extremely bossy and becomes aggressive if she doesn't get her way. If she wants milk served in the green cup, and the green cup is in the dishwasher, a stranger observing her reaction might be forgiven for thinking the poor little girl is kicking and screaming as though she were fighting for her life. And that's just one example. I understand every toddler throws tantrums now and then, but, in our arguably non-statistically relevant sample of friends, relatives and acquaintances, not one single child is as bossy and naughty as ours.

Of course I don't expect any magical solution. I am aware there may not be much else that can realistically be done - but I am keen on exploring options and hearing some professional advice.

Thanks!

Is she at nursery? does she have any other sort of childcare (nanny, childminder)? If so how do they find her?

I would suggest as first steps a chat with her nursery, assuming she goes, and also perhaps a chat with your HV. They should be able to indicate whether there are any grounds for developmental concern or if she's "normal" and just a bit more stubborn/challenging than the average. If it's the latter - the solution is parenting books/courses and lots of patience!

How were you and your DH as children?

PS I don't know where you are exactly but if by any chance you're under the Stormont Clinic HV team, ask to see Liz who is great.

Luckily we don't have any reason to believe there is any kind of "developmental concern": she speaks fairly well, she has a way better vocabulary than most children her age, etc, although I have started wondering if the rage that kicks in when she doesn't get what she wants is normal.

My parents were extremely, extremely, extremely - did I mention extremely? - strict. They would not have tolerated a tenth of what our daughter puts us through. Corporal punishments were not unusual when I was little. To be clear, we have of course never lifted a finger on her - it is typically her who hits us when she throws a tantrum.
My MIL tells us that my partner was a bit unruly, but not as much as our daughter.

DD divides her week between nursery and nanny. We are worried that the nanny is a bit too soft on her, and that more time at the nursery might be beneficial, but the flexibility the nanny gives us is very important with our kinds of work: not taking a whole week off when she's sick, being able to stay a bit longer in the office when we have to finish something, etc. Also, she gets a bit bored at nursery, and loves the activities she does with the nanny (e.g. swimming pool).

We get the impression she is on her absolute worst behaviour with us; I don't know if she wants to test us or what, but she's not as naughty at nursery nor with the nanny. No saint, but not as naughty.

No idea if it's the same with all kids, but ours doesn't seem to remember why she got so angry in the first place. She might kick and scream for 30 minutes over something as trivial as her favourite t-shirt being in the washing machine, but when she calms down and we try to talk to her about it, she always says she doesn't remember what happened.

During the summer heatwave, at one point I had to take her home from the playground because the sun was getting really intense. She started hitting me so hard that I had to carry her under my arm, restraining her arms, while she kicked her legs like a madman. When she does it at home we can let her scream and shout till she calms down, but outside it can be dangerous. Should I have let her there till she got a heatstroke?

It saddens me to admit it, but I often long for Monday to arrive, as at least I won't be subject to 12 hours of tantrums. It's sad, but realising it is also a big push in realising the situation is unbearable and something must be done.

Speaking well and good vocabulary don't rule out developmental concerns (not saying there is one here, just saying!) But if nursery and nanny have no such concerns then that's good.

I have a child a bit like this. A few ideas:

1. keep a close eye on how tired and hungry she is - a well timed snack or early night might do wonders.

2. lots and lots of warnings prior to any transition or other difficult moments eg having to leave somewhere, or stop playing and put shoes on. use the odd mini bribe eg do X nicely and I'll read you a story when we get home/have nice music in the car/give you a sticker.

3. read Toddler Taming (which will reassure you that bad behaviour is pretty normal) and The Explosive Child (which will encourage you to take a more collaborative approach, though it's more helpful for an older child). 1 2 3 Magic may also help.

4. Don't be stricter. Your nanny has probably got it right. Your DD may be developmentally slower than others in learning to control her anger/temper (my DD is, despite being very bright in other ways) and she simply cannot help her meltdowns. If so then being stricter isn't going to help. We learned this the hard way with DD.

In terms of professionals who can help - if you don't have developmental concerns then your best bet is probably either a parenting course (try The Parent Practice) - I think some do 1 to 1 sessions so you can talk about your particular challenges with DD - or perhaps a child psychologist, however I think the latter would be relatively rare for a 3 year old. (may be wrong)