Support groups for (potentially) brighter than average 4 year old who won't sit still?

[Batterseapark]

Hi everyone,
My son will soon turn 4. He's a nice kid but...
His attention spam is short (can't do carpet time at nursery, can't wait between courses, we can't take him to the cinema etc) and he has the will of a donkey.
Generally I'd say he's uncooperative. He will rarely do as he's told and he often kicks off into full blown meltdowns. I know this is expected at his age, except the meltdowns are 2/3 times a week (sometimes more) and last 1 hour. We're exhausted. He sometimes still hits and pushes others at nursery (clearly more than the other kids).

We booked an appointment with a child psychologist (yes, we're at that stage - it's not a phase, the phase has been on-going since he turned 18 months old) but she seemed pretty clueless if I'm honest. So I'm turning to you.

Because my husband displayed a similar behaviour as a child and was recognised as having a high IQ (at the time, my in-laws used smacking and hitting which was sadly common place at the time but that's not what I want to do and to be honest it never really culled the frenetic behaviour so I'd like to try something else), I'd like to get in touch with other parents facing the same difficulties.
Would anyone recommend some groups on Facebook? Where shall I start?

Do you have any evidence of him being particularly bright? There's a gifted and talented board on MN which is probably useful if he's G&T.

Hi CheapSausagesAndSapm (good name ),
Yes and no (hence seeing a child psychologist who I thought would have some sort of plan but didn't suggest tests, talked generally rather than specifically and gave signs that she probably wasn't used to the sort of behaviour we were describing).
In the yes column
Very alert baby
High energy/overactive (all the time (sigh))
Seems to outdo his peers with gross motor skills
Defiant
Bilingual (I know this is not necessarily a sign of being G&T but what is striking is that most other bilinguals we know respond in English to their parents (they did this around the age of 2/2.5) and our son 3.11 still uses the home language as his main language, despite being at English nursery 4 days a week for 2 years)

In the no column
He's average for refined motor skills
He doesn't read yet
Clearly he's not always very clever socially

Thank you for suggesting the G&T group here. I'll post there too.

OP here.
I've had a look at the G&T board 😱
I have not liked what I've seen. People undermining others and being condescending or it feels being deliberately unhelpful.
I'm really not sure posting there will help to be honest.
Any other idea anyone?

Go to the SEN board. My son has ADHD. He has meltdowns, or had, now he's 8 he's calmed down a lot. He was talking at 6 months and like yours fully bilingual in that school and home are very much compartmentalized in his mind, no mixing the languages. His motor skills, fine and gross seem to be the oddest display. He walked much later than his siblings but after he got it, he was running within a week. He started Jui-Jitsu and football and was the most uncoordinated child in the group, within weeks he had surpassed the children that started at the same time. He couldn't hold a pencil properly and still struggles but as soon as they started learning cursive writing he just "got it" and was the only one writing fully cursive in his class. He loves what he learns and is like a walking encyclopedia but is distracted and anxious in the classroom, yet he gets high grades on formal tests. Some days he's focused and above average and other days he's distracted and can't seem to do anything. He displays more attention deficit and impulsivity. He often doesn't understand social situations and this can lead to meltdowns and anger. I will say 4 was hard, he would lose it for more than an hour, I have three other children and I knew there was something different I think truly since birth but certainly by 18 months. A formal diagnosis has meant medication has been suggested but I'm not keen, we're lucky that he's had some wonderful teachers and is in a small school where he has lots of good friends.

Hi Linoleum,
Thank you for your message
I will try the SEN board. I "know" there is something going on with our son because everything seems to be more with him.
Meltdowns are 1 hour instead of 20 minutes.
Most other children this age we know can sit through a film at the cinema, not us.
He does not sleep as much as other children his age (10 hours in 24 hours).

Because he has one parent with a high IQ, I thought possibly G&T but you're right SEN is a broader way to look at it. He may not be G&T and may have sensory issues (he definitely doesn't seem to hear us very well when we ask him to do something 😂).

You can be both gifted and have SN, one doesn't rule out the other.

Yes, of course. I suppose I need to check I'm not making assumptions at this stage. It could be any number of diagnoses.
My son's has been referred to an eye clinic (squint but vision is good so need to investigate). I imagine they'll be able to rule out a few conditions.
Thank you for your help.

There's never any harmbin following your instinct when it comes to things like this.

FWIW my dd who is now 5 wouldn't sit through a film at 4 and she sleeps no more than me. The thing that is a red flag I think are the meltdowns.

It's the collection of things together which make red flags.