Can it be the hit child's fault, not the hitter?

[seeker]

My ds (6) was playing with his cousin (7) today. DS was being very irritating, swinging the same song over and over again. Dn asked him to stop. He didn't, so dn hit him. Hard. He cried a lot, and he's not a crying child. My brother saw it, told his son off, made him say sorry (which he did, sort of) then told my ds off for provoking him and not stopping when he was asked, and made my ds say sorry to dn for winding him up. The level of telling off was exactly the same. I am absolutely livid - I tried to challenge it at the time but I was overruled, and I didn't want to make an issue out of it in front of the children. I agree that ds was being annoying, but is it right that he should be made to accept responsibility for being hit? Surely hitting is ALWAYS the hitters fault - whatever the provocation? Or am I being precious and over protective?

I think perhaps you're looking into this too deeply, your ds won't be massively affected by 1 telling off, i wouldn't be mad with your brother over it, he did what he thought was best at the time, at least the behaviour from both of them was dealt with, i'd have been more angry if his son had hit my ds and he hadn't done anything at all.

I would have told both children off in this instance.
I think it is sometimes difficult when other adults chastise your child, but you state that your DS was being "very irritating", so it seems fair enough for your brother to point that out.
Re your comment about hitting always being the hitters fault - my DS2 was subjected to fairly intense verbal bullying for a long time at school, and he eventually got so wound up that he would hit out.
I think verbal bullying is a very insidious and unpleasant thing, and it is often hard for adults to distinguish. In DS2's case, it was very damaging to him, and it was hard for the school to monitor as children would whisper into his ear when they were lining up, commment when the teachers had their back turned etc.
I'm not at all suggesting that this is what seeker's DS is like; I just wanted to make the point that sometimes blaming the hitter and assuming the issue has been dealt with fairly and adequately is not always the case.