My 17 month old smacks/pushes other children..any advice?

[LulaTallulah]

My otherwise lovely 17month year old DD has been pushing/shoving/slapping other children for the last two months. Apart from being very embaressing for me as a mum, (not wanting to be one of those parents people don't invite over because of their childs behaviour!), I don't want it to escalate so she is still doing it in a couple of years time, and it turns into physical bullying.

As soon as she does it, I say "no" and remove her from the situation, but she hasn't stopped doing it. I'm sure she knows it's a naughty thing to do. Does anyone have any other suggestions?

Be firmer! DS2 arrived when DS1 was 19 months old and suddenly I discovered I was able to be much stricter with DS1 in order to protect my tiny tiny baby. I think before my idea of saying "no" was a bit wet, frankly. Sure you're not like this!

Firstly, I'm sure you know but it's very common and it will pass!!
at 17mo imho it's a bit early for any kind of time out or "thinking step" or whatever, as they just find it a novelty. What worked for my ds was exactly what you are doing, removing him from the fun immediately and sitting him down by himself. Their attention span is very small so don't expect her to stay there for more than a few secs, but amplify it with this:

immediately pick up and remove, take to spot away from fun, bend down and make eye contact, hold her hands to calm her and stop her moving away. Put on frown and 'scary mummy' face. Say "NO. You may NOT push/hit/etc. Sit here, please." Gently but firmly sit her down and walk away. Make fuss of other child if appropriate.
When she starts to fidget/lose focus (prob 10-20 secs) or if she looks serious or sad (at which point you know you have made an impact) return to her still with serious face, bend down, say "mummy asked you to sit here because you hit/pushed someone. Hitting/pushing isn't nice."

I used to then say "Are you sorry?" even though he was probably a bit young to understand what it meant, but when I used to hug him and then smile he quickly got the hang of a hug to apologise, and then I would take him to the other child to say sorry too. Lots of people say 17mo is a bit young to really grasp what an apology does, but I think it helps teach social skills early on, and it also makes other people feel better if they receive even a little "sorry" which little ones pick up on, so I was happy to go for that approach. If she's able to copy words yet she might also be able to actually say "sorry" herself too.

It also often happens through frustration, if she's able to communicate in other ways it might help her feel less frustrated in these situations. Don't know how her speech is (ds had none at this age so we did sign language which helped hugely).

Don't worry, it won't escalate into horrible bullying if you carry on with what you're doing! They all go through a phase of finding their own place in the world and are still learning what is socially acceptable and what isn't. My ds went through a biting phase (oh the shame) and although I was hugely glad when he didn't do it any more, I could see his point on some occasions!

I also think that making a fuss of the other child is generally a good idea - that way, not only is your DD not getting any attention for having pushed the child, not even negative, but the other child is getting nice attention from you.

Thanks Kitbit, i'll give that a try the next time.

you're very welcomes, hope some of my waffle works for you!!! We also tried teaching ds "ouch" to show when he had hurt himself, and when he hurt someone else we would say "ouch" to try and get across the point he'd hurt someone and it wasn't acceptable. Not sure how much a toddler can empathise, but he got the point that when he'd hurt someone it was a Bad Thing and not a Good Thing. I do also know that now when I bang myself and yell "OWW" he comes running over to hug me and he usually goes over to a little playmate if he hears tears and tries to hug them / pick up their toy for them or whatever!!! (aww)