Jealous of older sister - please help - at end of tether

[sievehead]

Things came to a head this morning, apologies in advance if this is long. I am so confused and upset - I don't know how to deal with this one: 2 girls 7 and 4 - older one as you would expect is very good, and 4 year old can be good but has such a devilish streak. This morning oldest received a membership card thingey from the BBC in the post with a number on it - from Girl Talk mag - she was soooo excited and proud of it. 4 year old - "why haven't I got any post" - I fobbed her off as you do - and thought nothing of it. 10 minutes later DD7 is in floods of tears, she had given the card to her little sister to hold while she did something, little sister has disappeared off and now the card is missing. Slight smile on DD4's face when asked where said card is...... After much ado (DH then intervened and really lost his temper) i got it out of DD4 that she had "accidentally" put it down the gap between the floorboards !!!! Very sneaky - and actually I am very hurt that she would do such a mean thing to her big sis, who actually is very kind to her and very patient with her. DD7 couldn't understand why little sis would do this to her and they both were quite hysterical by the time they were packed into the car for school (1st day back, great!)

As far as I know we don't show any favouritism and treat them equally (but obviously according to their ages) - but it seems that DD4 is spiteful out of jealousy of her older sis - she always smirks when i tell her off - but does respond to time out in a room with the door shut, but then she's off again by the next day, so doesn't seem to learn a lesson.

As it happens i have retrieved the card from under the floorboards, but i am wondering should i throw a couple of bits away that belong to DD4 to show her what it feels like when this is done to you? What do you think, or is it a bit cruel? I think it would teach her how it felt to her older sister when her card dis?appeared - DD7 was so upset - or was she being a wuss?

I'm confused and fed up with dealing a 4 year old that behaves like a 3 year old... please help......

Ps. DD4 was by the time they set off in the car, i think quite mortified by the events of the morning, I think she did realise . I was just suprised (and so was DD7) and the sneakiness of it - it just shows the extent of the jealousy don't you think? Am I overreacting or oversensitive, is this normal?

bump

I think you may be over reacting slightly re it being down to jealousy...Children can be cruel especially little sisters.

I think it sounds like she knows what she did was wrong & perhaps taking her favourite toy away for a day may be enough of a lesson?

it is horrid but your DD4 just didn;t know how to respond to those feelings of jealousy. I woul dhave a chat with to make her understand what it feels like rather than throw somethhing of hers away. also look into her joining a club or sending off for something.

Horrible as it is jealousy is a very useful emotion to be able to cope with and control - see it as part of her learning how to deal with it.

no dont throw her stuff away

if this was my two (same ages) I would not have fobbed dd2 off - I would have been quite open about the fact that dd1 has a membership card as she is 7 and whn dd2 is 7 perhaps she can have one.

then we'd have looked at it all together.

if dd2 did something like that (hiding the card), I would come down very very hard (for me ). That is NOT acceptable in our house. I would have been very matter of fact about it and given dd2 a telling off. Then I would have said 'right you cant play xx with dd1 as you are not old enough to hold things of hers' or some such.

I think you ARe overreacting tbh - I dont think this sounds like particuarly jealous behaviour, just naughty 4 year old behaviour - BUT I don't particularly believe in jealousy as a long term character trait in children - don't get me wrong, I would have been very cross, but I would bear in mind that she DID tell you wehere it was in the end

i don't think a 4 year old behaving like a 3 year old is unusual in itself, and I do think you are over reacting a little.

This doesn't sound like a child who thought "I hate my sister so I will make her really unhappy by making sure she can never have this important thing again!"

This sounds like a four year old gleefully getting hold of something she knows isn't hers, and poking it through the floorboards to see what will happen, realises it can't be retrieved, but being four, doesn't understand how upset her sister is about it.

agree with colditz

Mine are younger but dd (2) always wants to be treated same as ds (4) and cannot understand why there is a difference.

Think I would not throw something of dd4s away as you say she seems to have learned her lesson - think I but would identify something that she has (and values) that dd7 does not - point it out to her so she can see that dd7 is not being favoured and say that if it evers happens again, you will take whatever it is away.

i also wouldnt have fobbed off the younger sister. my dd2 who is 4 loves post and gets very excited and looks for something for her. i explain that not evryone gets post all the time. she love sin on her birthday. and postcards.

actually i may ask for some lovely mnetter to send her some postcards.

i'll send her a postcard - do them for my niece all the time. Email me dimpledthighs at hotmail dot co dot uk and will pop it in the post.

thank you all - ok, you all think I over reacted. I was very cross - actually I ended up in tears (very unusual for me - my family's nickname for me is Spock) - as I didn't want this drama 1st day back at school, and had already given DD4 a talking to last night about good behaviour.

Just so you know, when I say i fobbed her off - I was being lazy when i typed up the post - I actually explained to her that when she is 7 she will be able to have the same thing, and that there were lots of things she has that her big sister doens't have.
This also wasn't a one off incident, she takes her frustration out on her big sis and sometimes the dog - so I am just very sensitive about her behaviour at the moment, as i am working very hard with her.......
Dimpled thighs - thank you so much - very kind offer, I will email you.
I have decided am going to confiscate her favourite thing, her make up bucket, for the rest of the day, and then its over.
i think you are right though, she just gleefully got hold of something and I think she almost likes the attention the telling off gives her.
I did make it clear that this behaviour is not acceptable in our house -
Thanks for your comments

lol at mak up bucket

this is dd2s (4) fave thing also

4 is tricky age - mine is not at school yet and they definitely attention seek

maybe see it as cry for attention and spend a bit of time with her?

enid - she is obsessed with it - is always coming downstairs covered in the stuff, its fun and messy though so thats why they love it so much. Mine not at school yet either, just nursery in the mornings, yes she does attention seek, but she has been gettting lots over the past week as I have made special effort too, did baking and everything yesterday: Still need to give her as much as the first girl got when she was 4 i suppose! Thanks.

mine gets bugger all attentino (7 yaer old sis AND 1 year old sis)

she is consequently badly behaved

am hoping she will grow out of it

Apparently when I was 4yo I used to steal my little Sis's dummy!...I had 1yo & newborn siblings...I got attention though, albeit for bad behaviour!