Do I say No Too Often?

[colinsmommy]

DS is 11 mo yesterday. All he has been doing the past few days is shaking his head no to everything and saying uh-uh. Even when he wants something he shakes his head no and then takes, eats, plays with whatever he said no to. I know that they are supposed to do this later, but it seems kind of early now. To top it off, DH's cousin, whose son is 1 week older than DS, has just told me that her son never does that, because they don't tell him no. Is this something "normal" at this age, or is he doing this because I tell him no so often. That seems like the only word I say to him lately.

whyyyy don't they tell him 'no'?????

p.s. at least you know it's going in

They read some sort of book saying that it harms children to tell them no. They say "lets think of something else better to do". I just have visions of their child getting ready to run into a street with a car coming and by the time they get that mouthful out it is too late.

Sounds like your ds is pretty advanced to me, and I would try and take it with a pinch of salt when comparisons are made, because this is bound to continue seeing as the other child is so close in age to yours. Just go with your own instincts, and I'm pretty sure you say lots of positives and praise your son 99% of the time, he probably is going through a phase where he enjoys shaking his head! Just take no notice of these people picking on the negatives.

I don't tell ds2 'no' very often - occasionally when he 'steals' another wipe to chew his way through, perhaps, or when he pulls his brother's hair, which he loves doing! Like yours, he shakes his head a lot, especially at mealtimes and to start with I assumed he didn't want any more. He shakes his head and then takes another mouthful of dinner. I am not convinced that shaking his head is totally related to him saying "no". It's just a form of communication and he's not quite sure how it works!! Cute.

When he does stop what he's doing when I say no, I tell him what a good boy he is for doing that. I just feel like all I say is no, but it is for doing stuff like playing in the garbage or no dont try to jump out of the shopping cart or no don't hit the other baby. I just feel SO negative lately.

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My ds's first word was bye bye. Hmm...I wonder if that means I've damaged him for life by leaving him everyday with a childminder. Then again dd went straight to full sentences before she was a year old and they all involved demanding things. "I want it." "I like it" "Give it to me"

Please don't worry. It really means nothing at all what your ds's first word is or that he's saying no. And don't let dh's cousin bully you into thinking that you are doing something wrong. Every child is different and every child needs a different approach. I rarely say no to my ds because he is too absent minded to take it in. I just point him in a different direction and he stops doing whatever he wasn't supposed to do. I often say no to dd because she listens to me when I say it.

It's actually much easier to shake your head than to nod it, which is why most babies seem to learn to say 'no' before they say 'yes'. I think that he has learned a communication that you react to, so he is using it all the time but doesn't actually mean to say 'no'. That's how I interpreted both of mine when they did exactly what your ds is doing.

The not saying 'no' thing is IMO an excellent idea. I try to tell ds and dd what I want them to do, rather than what I don't want them to do (eg 'Stay where you can see me' rather than 'Don't go too far away' or 'Keep the food on the plate' rather than 'Don't throw your food on the floor' I think it's easier for them to understand. And it reserves 'NO!' for the really important things, like running into the road!

PC, I think that is a great idea too, but he won't respond to anything other than no or don't do that etc. at this point. I try not to use a mean or loud voice and then make sure to tell him how good he has been after he has stopped and he loves that. Now that I think about it, my little twerp is turning it into a game.

DH's cousin thinks under no circumstances ever should a child be told no, which I just can't agree with.

I use "not for Bob" instead of "no" but yesterday he ran into the kitchen (not allowed) and I gave him 'the look' and he just stood there staring at me. Eventually I said "not for Bob" and he said "noooooooooo" but in a cute way and looked like he had got what he was waiting for and left the kitchen and played happily. After seeing that I don't think it matters what you say so much as being consistent. I do use a cross voice when the situation is serious such as touching the stove, but I'm not actually cross IYSWIM.

I personally don't like "no" but only because he sounds so cute when he repeats it back that I smile - which kind of defeats the purpose.

I shouldn't be surprised to learn that your dh's cousin has only the one child, and that he isn't walking yet. I wonder how long it'll take for their child-rearing principles to weaken a little...?

ds knew "no" for ages and ages before he knew "yes"
dd only says a few words and "no" is one of them.
Well, never had any illusions about being a good parent.

LOL Lailag.

They have a live-in nanny for the child even though she doesn't work and has a maid, cook, gardener and chauffer. She is over here visiting from abroad, and apparently can't handle it, because she doesn't really even know how to change a diaper. DH's aunt called this am to say that DH's cousin was laying on a string of no's to the baby last night.

I didnt say "No" almost ever to DS until he was 2 or so (he walked at 9 months, btw, p'candles!). Have said it to baby2 from be4 she was 1 yo... BUT ... not that I care wildly about this -- I still think it's a powerful word & would prefer to avoid/use other language, when I can. Then it's all the more emphatic when I do say "No".

colinsmommy i do exactly the same with ds and even hes started shaking his head at me its turned it to some sort of game for him he thinks its funny and hw has your dh's cosin gotten away without saying no i say it atleast five tosix times a day otherwise he would be running riots around us

LOL, colinsmommy!

and ditto, zebra - I probably only said 'no' to ds half-a-dozen times until dd was born.

I think they all go through a 'no' phase but maybe how much we say it to them determines how early it starts? Just a thought because I was very cautious about saying no to dd, now 21 months, who has only started no-ing at everything and anything in the last couple of months despite the rest of her language being pretty well developed. Whereas a couple of friends of mine said no much more frequently and their kids started saying it earlier than dd. On the other hand this is probably baloney. And even though I say 'yes' a lot she's never said it even though she can say complicated words like bicycle. She says 'okay' for yes which dp and I never use.

I started a thread on this afew months ago. Ds was shouting no at me loudly and pointing and I realised.

I try to say stop or wait if it is appropriate

it has more or less stopped now