Worried about Bad behaviour of my partners child

[Minefield1982]

Hi , I have two children to my ex and one child to my now partner and he also has a child with his ex , his child lives with us at weekends and I’m worried about the effect this child’s behaviour is having on my own children my kids are 11 ,6 and 10 months and his child is 6 his child shares with my six year old but his temper tantrums are totally out of control he has smashed up the bedroom and broken a lot of my child’s toys because in my house there are rules and he has to follow them the same as the rest of the children but at this child’s own house they have no rules the Mum rewards bad behaviour by buying toys and sweets to keep the kid happy , last week I had to empty the room of all the toys including my kids because he was trying to break them and when I finished there was nothing left but a bed in the room so the kid decided to start ripping the wallpaper of the walls , he is really nasty to my 10 month old who is his brother he was dragging him around the room with his vest and he has snatched toys out his hand and when I asked nicely to give them back twice he has hit my baby boy in the face with them I know they are only soft toys but it’s not the point it’s how nasty he is being when he is asked to do something I get called every name under the sun so does his dad , he is at a loss as what to do with him , I don’t want to sound horrible but I have told my partner if his behaviour continues he will no longer be allowed in my house cause myself and my kids are the ones who gets the worst of his behaviour, last week he had a full blown episode of screaming kicking the doors walls and throwing stuff around that last nearly 12 hours (no joke ) he doesn’t have adhd or anything like that he is just spoiled and I have had enough my kids are brought up to respect people and property but this kids is here two nights a week and just destroys whatever he wants I don’t have loads of money so can’t replace my kids toys that he has broken , just need any advice that could possibly help with this situation because I don’t want to stop him coming to my house but his temper is getting worse everytime he comes help plzzzz

a) it is unlikely that just being spoilt will bring on violent temper tantrums- there is probably an underlying problem here

(how do you know he has not got ASD btw? very common not to be diagnosed this early)

b) it is your partner's duty to prioritise his son before his relationship with you

This child is always prioritised first by his dad and I wouldn’t want it any other way , he doesn’t have adhd , they have been told so by social workers so many doctors and phycologists , he has saw violence in his Mums relationships with her partner now , she screams at this child , I actually do feel sorry for him cause I know it not his fault he used to be ok when he was here until his Mum stopped him coming over for a few weeks because her and his dad had an argument and now his behaviour is really bad I have my own children to think about and I’m sorry when he is being nasty to one of my kids I will put my kids before anyone if it means them not getting hurt , I have already told my partner how I feel about all this and if it continues his child can’t come over and if it means me and him falling out then so be it because I do not bring my kids up to see violence and it’s not fair that I tell them just to ignore him yet he is screaming at them and punching and kicking them when he doesn’t get what he wants as for priority , that’s not fair because I try to include his son in our family so he feels welcome I would never dream of leaving a child out of anything over the course of the last few weeks I have spent more time dealing with his temper tantrums and mess he makes when smashing things up than I have spent with my own kids his dad is at a loss as what to do with him , he was always like this at his mums house for as long as I can remember he has been this way and she would buy him toys to keep him quiet , baring in mind this child’s mother thinks it’s acceptable for her son to steal out of shops if she doesn’t have money to buy it , one of her neighbours contacted police because he was running around the street with a kitchen knife and she was sitting in the house stoned and watching tv , I don’t feel it’s the child’s fault the way he behaves I feel it’s the parents fault they have him everything he wanted , they never said no and I include my partner in that statement and now they are both trying to crack down on his behaviour and I have tried to explain to my partner it’s going to take time and he just needs to stick to what he is doing and so does his Mum but she eventually just gives in and now because we are still trying his behaviour here is ten times worse , his dad has been told he defo doesn’t have any form of diagnose-able problem because he is a completely different child when he is in school and when he is at other outings he is absolutely fine , I know it’s going to take time for this problem to be solved I just feel sorry for this child because of the way his mother treats him , and I’m not saying this because she is the e , I have a recording on my phone of her when she took this child abroad on holiday for two weeks and she called his dad the second night steaming drunk shouting down the phone cause his son had an accident and pooed himself shouting at his dad I don’t need his money u can take the little c**t to stay with u I have had enough and all the while her son was clearly heard lying behind her sobbing and when she threw the phone to him to speak to his dad his dad asked him why did u poo yourself and he said his Mum wouldn’t take him to the toilet , in a strange place and she wouldn’t take him to the loo , that is disgraceful, I ended up telling my partner to hang up the phone because half the stuff she was saying about her own son was disgusting sorry I know my posts are long I am just at a loss of what I should do when it comes to my kids being caught in the cross fire of his temper and also my house ,

Your second post is rather different from the first. In the first he was a spoilt child. In the second he is being abused and neglected by his mother.

The thing is, you need to decide what you actually mean to do.

If your partner agrees with not having him in the house, he will need to spend less time with you, possibly even break off your relationship- because he would be an absolutely shit human being if he cut down on seeing his son.

If you do decide that you are going to be part of this family unit (= your partner and his son), then you both need to discuss where you are going to take it from here. The son is clearly not just being spoilt- he is in danger! Your partner ought to go for full custody- even if that does mean he needs to move out from yours for a while.

If he does decide to go for full custody while staying with you, then you both need to put in a joint effort to help this traumatised child. You need to accept that it is going to take time to help him to turn round and that you cannot judge him against the standards of your own untraumatised children. You need a plan that helps him at the same time as keeping your other children safe. You need to accept that being damaged by abuse/neglect is in some ways similar to having SN or perhaps more like a longterm illness: it actually alters the brain. But may be curable if responsible adults are prepared to put a lot of hard work and wisdom in.

sorry, missed that you have a child together. But he still needs to find a way of being a parent to the child who currently doesn't have a functioning parent.

I know both posts are different I’m just trying to get across what this child’s life is like when he is with us and when he with his mother she does spoil him rotten she is the first to admit it but she also treats this kid like crap we have had the social worker come to my house twice to see how he acts in my house to compare it to how he acts at his mothers house and even she has said he is a completely different child when he is with us compared to being with her my partner has just finished going through court last year just to get access to his son because she stopped it for over a year it took nearly 18 months for the whole court process to be sorted out I have sat a let the social worker hear the recordings that I have of the way she treats her child tbh I do think his kid would be better off living with us but that’s not really my decision to make and I would never want to take a child away from there mother , if I thought for one min his Mum could change her attitude I would do everything possible to help I had a good relationship with his ex to begin with just the same as I have a good relationship with my own ex’s new partner his ex only changed when me and my partner moved in together and that’s why she stopped him seeing his kid we had been together for three years before we moved in together and I never introduced him to my kids till we where together for over a year the point of my post is I don’t know what else to do I don’t know what help I can give to this child , he is not my child so sometimes I feel that I can’t say anything about what’s happening in his life he has been coming here to stay every weekend for over a year now and he was always fine when he was here it’s just been recently his behaviour has got really bad , I can deal with the incidents where he is hitting my kids he gets punished the same as the rest he will get sent to his room to think about what he has done wrong but I’m more worried about my youngest who is only a baby and is his younger sibling and at the moment he is really nasty to my child and I can’t have that , I am at a loss as what to do I feel horrible saying I don’t trust him in the same room as my baby but I don’t and on the other hand I feel so sorry for him , he comes here on a Friday and goes back to his Mum on a Sunday , Friday and Saturdays he is mostly ok it’s on a Sunday now he is an absolute nightmare the minute he realises he is going home he kicks off , we have told the social workers everything about how his Mum treats him and they have done nothing about the situation apart from tell his Mum to start having him in the house at 4:30 every night because when he goes out she doesn’t know where he is that’s all they have said yet when he is here he always tells us if he is even going to leave the garden he knows the rules in this house and he was fine up until a few weeks ago when his Mum grounded him and took all his toys away and he has been grounded for nearly 4 weeks now before that he had temper tantrums but was nothing major to me he wasn’t any worse than any other kids , I just don’t know where to go from here I have tried sitting talking to him and explaining he can’t hit the baby or the rest of my kids or smash things up and all me and his dad get met with is the words I don’t care , I hate you’s and loads of nasty name calling , he does hit his Mum and his older sister and I know his sister hits him back and I know recently his Mum slapped him in the face as she told my partner this over the phone and I find this unacceptable there is other ways to deal with the bad behaviour than to slap your kids I just don’t know where to go next with all this , it’s all new to me I have never any of these problems with my own kids , I’m not saying my kids are perfect but I have never had to deal with anything like this

I am willing to put the work in to help him I just feel if this kids own Mum isn’t going to do her bit then we are not going to get anywhere with helping him because she try’s for a few days then just goes back to buying stuff to keep him quiet or screaming and smacking him to deal with the situation and my partner won’t stand up to her because if they fall out that’s an even bigger nightmare because she constantly phoned and screams and shouts and I end up being stuck in the middle because if he hangs the phone up or ignored her calls she will call me and then me and my partner argue because he won’t deal with the situation I would be happy if all the adults just got on and tried to help this child because at the end of the day it really isn’t his fault and I love him to bits , I try to make him feel at home here he has his own room and I even tried to get him to tell me how he would like it decorated and all I got met with is he doesn’t care and I said that’s not very nice and he said his Mum told him he doesn’t have to listen to me or do anything I say even tho she will call and ask me to watch him if my partner is working and she wants to go out , I just feel like I’m constantly banging my head against a wall with this situation

Let's face it: his mother is a stoner. She is so unable to deal with her drugs habit that she will let a 6yo run around the street with a knife: there is no way your problems will be solved just by her agreeing to be nicer. Her problems are way beyond this.

If I were your partner, then I would compile a portfolio of real evidence of the boy being put in danger (not just being shouted at or her being rude to you, but actual danger), then I would report to SS and apply for full custody. But this is something your partner needs to do, not you.

She is not being a mother to him, she is neglecting him and he is being damaged. His other parent needs to step in.

If you do go down this route, you will probably need help with managing the extent of his damage: again, SS may be able to point you in the right direction.

When the social worker visited our house to see how he was here she asked me what my opinion was on why his behaviour was so bad for his Mum because he is really badly behaved in her house , I told them she needs to work on having a better relationship with him and start spending one on one time with him because I feel he responds really well to that I have sat in here with him and his dad and we can sit for hours playing with board games or Lego or colouring and drawing and he seems to really enjoy it and I said she seems to think taking him to the pictures or soft play is spending time with him but I disagree because in the cinema they can’t talk to each other and at soft play he is away from her running about so they are not actually communicating don’t get me wrong these things are nice on occasion but not when your trying to build a relationship, she told her , my partner she was taking him away abroad on holiday just her and him for some time together and my partner found out she had three of her friends going and it ended up more a holiday for her and her friends than her and her son which was a shame because he was looking forward to it I spoke to my partner about al my worries after I spoke to yourself (corythatwas ) and he has been told he needs to have a serious think because that child needs help and I’m not sitting by anymore it’s especially not fair on him and it’s not fair on my kids we need to do something about this because the older this kids gets his temper is only going to get worse and we need to start working together now not later

Corythatwas , thank you so much for all your advice on this issue it has got me thinking about a few things now

Thank you. I have some experience of being the sibling of a traumatised child and later on the parent of another one Totally doable, but it does require the whole family to be on board and to accept that boundaries have to be established with the capacity of the traumatised child in mind. My parents did a very good job of it and the outcome was very happy, but it did require some imaginative solutions.

The book how to fill a bucket may be a good one to read with him (I know there are a ton of issues but may help a little).