Very Angry 10 Year Old -Long

[Lact8]

DS1 has always been a fairly easygoing boy but this past week or so there have been huge changes in his behaviour and I don't know how to deal with it.

Every day last week he stropped, pulled his face, moaned, whined whenever I asked him to do anything. He was biting DS2's head off everytime he spoke to him. If I said he couldn't do x,y or z immeadiately he'd have another flounce.

I took him to one side and told him that I understood he is frustrated when he has to wait to be able to do stuff, ie dinner ready in 10 minutes so he can't go out to play til he's eaten, but that I was giving him a warning and a chance to think before hereacts next time but if he moaned, was rude, whatever that he wouldn't be playing football for a week (and he knows I stick to my guns) He burst into tears and we had a huge talk about stuff.

He wants to do everything all the time, play football, go on the pc, read, play out with his friends, watch TV. Then he has football training, kickboxing and archery classes as well. And if he can't he strops. So we came up with a timetable of when he'd be doing what so I can plan around him aswell and he gets to do the stuff he wants at least once a week.

Yesterday he had a huge strop when I told him I was going to the shop and I wanted him to come with me so he wasn't locked out of the house while I was gone. When we got home he ran in the house and was howling with rage, banging his head against the wall and stairs. It was distressing to watch and I felt completely out of my depth. He eventually calmed down and then he was back to his usual self as if nothing happened!

Today he wanted to play on the laptop, something he can't usually do because DS2 mithers him, presses the keys etc but as DS2 staying with mum overnight I said he could. DP finished work early, came home and reminded me that it is DBs birthday and we need to get him a present. DS1 threatened a mini strop but then seemed ok. We went out for an hour. When we got back DS1 headed straight for laptop. DP didn't know I'd said DS1 could go on it and asked him what he was doing and DS1 lost it completely. Howling again, screaming, shouting aarrgh repeatedly. DP got him in a bear hug and counted in and out breaths til he calmed down. DS1 said he doesn't know why he is losing his temper in such a way. We asked him is anyone bullying him ( dp was bullied and has told ds1 about it soI'm pretty sure that he would talk to him about it) DS1 said no. He just said that he loses his temper so much that he wants to hurt himself or he's worried that he's goin to hurt someone around him.

Is this the start of testosterone?
What can I do to help him deal with these strong emotions?
Anyone else had a child behave like this and grow out of it? [hopeful emoticon]
Any ideas?
When he said he wanted to hurt himself I went cold all over
Anyone know of any techniques that may help him control his anger?

I would guess at hormones, dd1 (just 10) is changing and very moody quickly now....no experience of boys - sorry

Big hugs - I'm dreading all this puberty stuff!

yeah, I'm hoping it is hormones

I feel so helpless when he is in the middle of it. It is scary to see him so out of control and not be able to help

And so different from his usual self

There have been huge changes emotionally in dd1 (10) over the past few months. Lots of wailing, sometimes hysterical, sobbing, everything being unfair to her, inability to see anything from my or sister's point of view.

SHe only gets as bad as this with us. If your ds is only gettin glike this at home, I'd just try to stay as calm as you can, talk it through when he's calmed down, lots of hugs.

I don't really know! But we're sort of getting there

Thanks pointydog, we're doing the hugs with him. The first time he had a big blow out he did say to me afterwards he felt so much better inside, lighter and more relaxed.so they must be working

I've got a 10 year old DS who's always had fairly strong emotions, quite different to his younger brother. You sound like a lovely mum.
You need to be strong, calm, centred so when his head is all over the place he knows you're there like you always are. Rant elsewhere, stay calm and authoritive around him. Sitting with him writing out schedules etc is a very good idea, so he feels there's some partnership there. The flipside to this is that he must NOT use you as the whipping boy when he's upset - there are still basic rules about speech and behaviour. Hugs and cuddles wherever possible, especially at bedtime. Bedtime is a great opportunity to run through the day with him, discuss difficulties, prepare for tomorrow.

Good luck!

Thanks londonmamma!

Everything you've said sounds like a good idea, same sort of techniques I use on 3 year old ds2

He has said he feels stupid if he loses it in front of his mates so he must be bottling it up and taking it out on us at home.

It's such a shock to me, he's always been my baby and a real pleasure to be with. DS2 seems to have finally got a grip on his emotions and now ds1 is losing his! I imagine I shall barely raise an eyebrow by the time dd gets around to having tantrums

I'm feeling much calmer about this now

He sounds so much like my son at the moment sometimes nothing is right sometimes everything is right.He and his sister are close in age and this is causing no end of trouble it is like hormone central round at ours.I try not to intervene unless of course the blood is seeping under the door!
I bought a punch bag rigged it up in the garage he lets it out on that as do I normally when we have the twice annual mother in law visit could be worth a try.Loads of my friends have lovely boys who are older and they were totally the same at this age so I console myself in that.

Punchbag sounds like a good idea, mentally picturing mil sounds even better!

I don't want him to grow up

Thinking on it he has been acting a lot more 'male' lately, eats, sleeps, breathes football (wasn't arsed about it at all 4 months ago, see my profile, he lives in that blasted top now!), very competitive about everything, spends a lot of time mimicking DP, I get DP's opinions rehashed by DS1. He's started doing this nod of greeting when we pass his friends in the street, total non verbal communication going on.

OMG does this mean he's going to start liking girls soon??

aw.

Part of me is looking forward to dd1 growing up. I like teenagers. Although I don't want to speak toosoon.

Lact8 he probably already does, you just don't know about it!!

This sound very much like my 11 year old ds. He has been like this for a year or so and getting even worse. He gets very frustrated and angry too. It must be their age, hormones etc. He constantly strops, moans, makes faces, huffs, puffs, shouts, answers back, punches things, shouts at his brothers, copies his dad's behaviour & certainly thinks he is an adult. we call him kevin-- , as in keven & perry , Harry enfield! "thats just not fairrrr! lol My dh and i can not have a converstaion without getting his opinion or views on the matter. He follows us about like a lost sheep constantly.Due to his temper & behaviour at school(not all the time but there have been ocassions) he is enrolled in a childrens anger management course. He has not yet started as he missed out on the last one but im hoping it will help but it probably is just age i expect. Good luck Lact8!

Lact8 - can sympathize... having problems with my own 10 yr DSD... it has been getting worse for us (DP and I). I wish I could offer you some comfort.

While on the phone with her mom the other night, she said she hated her dad and I and wanted to kill us...take a knife and stab us... if she could not harm us then she wanted to take a knife and stab herself - all because we asked her to make her lunch for school and wipe down the counter after herself. She complains that we have rules and she has none at her mom's.

I don't know if it is hormones or if she is confused at the moment.

We are taking her to a specialist tonight. Hopefully he can recommend some help for her. Hugs,

Oh you poor thing! I have 11 year old dd who has just the same outbursts. She screams things like 'I HATE MY LIFE!' There just seems to be no reasoning with them, does there. I hate it and the worst thing is,if an adult spoke to me like she speaks to me sometimes, I would tell them to f*ck off and knock the out! She is such a lovely daughter and very happy, pleasant etc, etc but when those hormones kick in its hideous. I'm not sure you can 'do' any more than you are doing - just hang in there. Is he in yr 5 or 6?

DSD will play the 'you don't love me/you don't care at all' game with us... then phones her mum up and tells her how horrid we are... yet when she is at her mum's, she will phone us and tell us how horrid it is there...

I know she is confused and we do try to be patient and understanding. I just don't understand where a 10 yr old gets off spitting out her dinner; that it is all my fault and she hates my face - stomping around, slamming doors and demanding that we do her bidding or else...

We don't believe in spanking, but how else do you try to encourage her to take responsibility for her actions? SHe is so bloody defiant... refuses to do anything that is asked. Her behaviour has thrown us all for a loop. Her brother is also stressed from her actions...

I love her dearly but I don't even want to go home at this point... and when I do, I stay clear of her because if she is in a good mood, I don't want to be the root of her bad mood and cause problems btwn me and DP.

Hi Lact8 I also have a 10 yr old ds who also lives in a Chelsea shirt (your boy's a stunner btw) and we are also going through a 10 yr old 'thing'. Not tantrums (that's ds2's speciality) but a sudden and massive increase in stroppiness, moodiness, rude answering back and when I ask/ tell him to do something he is just point blank saying 'no' to me - hard to deal with now he's too big to pick up and better at arguing than me. Also some hysterical sobbing and real misery about arguments and things he feels are unfair.
No answers for you I'm afraid but I think you've hit the nail about the pre-puberty hormone spurt. Nice to know there are others going through similar things.

Don't worry too much about the comments like wanting to hurt himself. Our children know exactly what to say to get us feeling worried or guilty about them. It's what kids do best!

Don't know what to say! Just love and hugs xxxx!!!

I have noticed a HUGE change in the attitude of both my dd & the mindee of the same age. They are in year 6 and nearing the end of junior school. My mother is a retired primary head teacher and said it always the same with yr 5/6s. They start to throw their weight around, as they know that they will be the youngest again soon enough at school and won't be in charge in the playground anymore. Its just a mixture of emotions & hormones. It must be hell in their little imature minds and although its pretty bloody hellish for us parents, we jus have to sit it out. Oh to be on the 'My lo has just hit the terrible twos ' thread eh?!

Lact8, I am a mother of three DDs, eldest one is 12, and she gives me grieve no end. BUT send her to France to her Penpal and she is a different matter(that is where she is at the mo!). I think she really misses home life big time and surprise surprise I miss her too. She is very stroppy and mouthy and gives her younger 2 siblings real grief, but at the end of the day, when they are all tucked up in bed dont you just get those moments that make you realise what being a MUM is all about- and that he knows that he has a steady home life that he can sound off to you- I would take you hat off and pat yourself on the back!

Thanks for all the replies and though I wish we weren't all having a rotten time I'm glad that it's not just DS1 who is doing it.

I was discussing it with a friend today and said 3 year olds tantrums are a walk in the park compared to this

DS1 was an only child til he was 7 and has gained a brother and a sister in the last 3 years. He's had huge changes in his life and coped unbelievably well with it all but I do wonder if some of his behaviour stems from feeling like he has to battle with 2 little ones for attention.

Londonmamma, la la la la la fingers in my ears, I can't hear you!! To the liking girls not the hugs

Yes he is gorgeous isn't he shimmy? [proud] I'll try to find a picture of him before he insisted on having all of his beautiful long hair cut off and having a 'footballers' haircut instead

LOL at Kevin, it's so true. Just can't help feeling it's all downhill from here, sleeping all day, stinking feet, gangs of grunting boys knocking on the door....

He's in Yr 5. I think he can see Yr 6 coming up and thinking him and his mates will be cock of the school at last, already practising the strut.

But he is a darling too because he indulges my hippyness and went to the healthfood shop this morning to pick calming essential oils to go on the burner to see if it would help!

It's good to know they still need us isn't it bubblicious?

Terracloud, I hope things go well tonight and you can find some way of helping DD. Fingers crossed for you and let us know how it goes

Lact8 - thank you. It has been an eventful few weeks. My DSD has been in specialized counseling for 4 weeks and there has been a great improvement ! She still has her down days, but don't we all at some point? She is also close to begining her cycle which explains a lot of the extreme emotions she has been having. In fact, she gave me a very nice hug just earlier and told me how much she loves me !

Also, our custody case has finally been settled - which has brought some peace/less stress in our home. We will share my DSD half the time with her mom and we will continue to have my DSS full time (he will see his mom every 2nd weekend).

My DP and I can finally give the children more of our attention (as well as each other). I have booked a romantic getaway for DP and I - our birthdays are both in June!

I hope things are well with you; I am sure what is happening is just the calm before the storm... school is almost out and a new year will begin soon enough