How to respond when your child says they don't like you?

[Earlybird]

Help!! In the past few weeks, dd (3.5) has started periodically saying "you're a terrible mummy" , or "I wish X (nanny) was my mummy", "go away and be with some other children" or even "I don't like you". Intellectually I know that she is asserting her independence, expressing anger or simply lashing out and doesn't mean it deep down. But it wounds me so much to hear it, that I often end up crying a little.

I don't want to stop her expressing herself or articulating her anger, but she also needs to learn that words can hurt. Tonight I said "you hurt mummy's feelings, and it's not nice to say that. I'm not a terrible mummy, I'm a good mummy actually, and I think you should say you're sorry". She then made the most comical apology of "I'm sorry I think you're a terrible mummy". It was the end of a long day for both of us, but still, given how much I love her, and how much effort I put into being her mummy - it hurts alot.

How do the rest of you respond? Or am I the only one who's child says this?

I think all children go throughthis phase I usually tell dd that she does not like what I've said rather than me, and it might make mummy cry. However it may be harder for you because you have a nanny and there is someone she can in away replace you with, I think at 3.4 onwards they can suddennly become very cruel I think you must just grin an dbear it - youican always try tickling her if you feel really upset adn make it in a fun game with cuddles etc at the end - sorry if I have not been much help but you are not alone it is a mater of finding a way of coping and accepting words can hurt even tho you know rationally there is no cruelty meant.

I am afraid I responded with " I don't like you either"

Normal phase I am afraid and you will hear a lot worse as they get older [smils]

You have my deep deep empathy - I have a three year old too

I have to admit that it doesn't happen very often (he finds other ways to wind me up) but I have tried very hard to not show that it upsets me in anyway (even though it hurts horrendously). I aim for a casual "oh, that's a shame, because I really love you" without giving him full attention and getting on with something else, so I think he knows it doesn't get much of a reaction from me.

Then again... he knows throwing a strop right in the middle of crossing a main road does get a reaction from me, so I'm probably not the best person to take advice from really

Have I mentioned I'm really really sympathetic?!

ooh, this is a horrible one isn't it? DS is about the same age, and I get everything from 'you aren't my friend any more' to 'I wish you would get on an aeroplane and go away' to 'Grandma is much better at looking after me than you are' (of course she is, she has an all sweets, all the time policy with grandchildren).

I usually just say 'but I love you' and then walk away if possible. Once, I said, OK then, I'll go, and you can stay here with Daddy on your own, and he believed me and just bawled for me to stay. I have to say I felt even worse after that, and it didn't have any long term effect!

My ds frequently tells me he doesn't like me anymore, sometimes he even hates me and I'm nasty! I usually say "well, that's OK, I still love you" which tends to take the wind out of his sails. He's 5, BTW. I think a minimal reaction works best in our case. Just remind yourself that your dd doesn't really know what she's saying. My ds can go from saying "You're the best mummy in the world" to "You're really horrible" and back in about 5 minutes!

Mine have never said it but if they did I would probably respond like Mears. Sorry if that sounds insensitive. You know deep down she doesn't mean it. She is just saying things to test your reaction or maybe to try and sway you so you give in to something she wants. It is normal for children to do this. Write down a few of the things she says or the incidents that made her say them and share them with her when she is older. My children find it very funny to hear what upset them or what they said when they were little.

It's normal imo and I've always tried to breezily say 'well, I love you and like you, very much, but I'm afraid I don't much like your behaviour atm (except I use the real expression, not an acronym!) so you need to [insert remedy here]. I've had 'you're a terrible, cruel parent' (ooh, yes, what, for making you clean your teeth?); you're mean (for anything); I hate you (to see if it gets to me) and loads more, including being called some very choice things, loudly, in public. So I'd try not to react tooooo much or it'll get exciting to her to wind you up with it but it's fine IMO to tell her that you don't like it. You said the right things to her, well done, damn calm of you and that sounds like a funny apology. She does love you, I promise she does, they all do this though! It shows some security I think: she knows she can behave quite badly and you'll still love her.

I have some friends who had the same problem with their 5 year old, the girl was lashing against her mother that she was much better off at granny's house (her dear mother in law), Mum tried everything but nothing worked and finally one day Dad sat in front of the girl for a very serious conversation where she told her why she shouldn't be so cruel, the girl agreed to behave better but next day she started again so Dad ask her if she really preffered to live with Granny there was nothing they could do and asked mum to pack her things because the girl was going back to MExico to live with Granny, but he also explained that they couldn't take her further than the train station where she will need to take a train and then a flight to Mexico city.

Next day they put the girl's lugage in the car and drove to the station, they said goodbye to each other and ask her to board the train. Obviously she changed her mind and that was the end of it.

Of course my friends were not serious about letting her go but anyways, it worked

when my ds1 has said this to me, its usually when i don't like myself either - are you having a hard time at the moment?

When DD said that she didn't like me I responded with " Well it's a good job I still like you isn't it" If things got really bad (I want to live with X and let her be my mummy) then I would push her to getting really upset (offering to pack her bags!!) so as to encourage a reconciliation with me - careful though you've got to know your child!! Even now she is 5 she says things like I am horrible and I reply "I'm supposed to be, I'm your mother, and if you think that is bad I've got a lot worse up my sleeve!!" Classic phrase in our house is that "I love you but I don't like you very much at the moment!" What you are experiencing is I am sure perfectly normal and just a phase...when she is older she'll be telling you how much she loves you too... DD told me tonight that she loved me to the moon and back 127 times.... Aaaaww

Earlybird, they can be cruel at times can't they?
I have a dd the same age and started an alomost identical thread a few months ago.
I usually say that i'll always like+love her and try to get to the root of her anger. Half the time though, there is no root and she's just a great little drama queen!
Just remember that she doesn't mean it and you are her world! She's probably just playing-trying to get a response-testing how far she can go ect. I know it hurts at the time but she adores you deep down, bless you++

P.S- my dd told me the other day that she was gonna go amnd live with the window cleaners I said off you go then to giggles!!!

message withdrawn

Thank you, WWW

That should have been a . Sorry!

I say breezily, "That's okay, you don't have to like me, you just have to do what I say."

I must be a bad mummy as my 3 year old ds2 says this a lot ! I respond with "well I love you" or if he has been particularly naughty I say "I don't like you either, but I still love you"

Thanks for all the support and feedback. It helps immeasurably to know that this is a completely natural phase.

DD woke this morning, and has been very good. One of the first things she said was "I don't want X (nanny) to be my mummy, I want you. You're a good mummy". DD didn't take her normal nap yesterday, so I think it was one of those awful evenings that escalates when we're both overtired.

But, having said that, I feel emotionally "hung over" this morning. Anyone else know the feeling where eyes are tired from crying, and you feel a bit numb even though everything seems to be normal again? Find myself not inclined to go hugely out of my way to be a fully engaged and entertaining mummy when she's been so mean. I know she's only 3.5, didn't really mean it, and I have to be the adult - but I still feel hurt. Wish I could just snap out of it, but there we are. Think perhaps the remedy is to get outside in the fresh air and do something physical.

Mine (4) is being like this at the moment and I have to say she's hit on something - I am so busy with work and trying to drum up interest in Restoration that I am neglecting them...much as I hate to admit it.

Anyway, I usually say 'Well I love you' and that does the trick. Although recently I have felt like saying 'Oh leave me alone' and bursting into tears

Earlybird, that's a good idea! go out and do somethng nice with her, I hope I don't gt stoned by saying this, but I believe that children are very important but everybody has the right to be first in the queu (Sp?) from time to time.

I'm sure you are not a bad mother and I'm sure your DD didn't mean it, but if this behaviour hurts you and you can't simply ignore it, why not having a good chat with her about it? or probably ask another relative to speak seriously to her?

I agree that in some ocassions it is a good idea to say "I don't like you either when you act like that", as it shows them that other people can also get annoyed and also have the right to be respected.

earlybird, IMO your dd is testing the boundaries - my sons did that too, and my youngest (age 4) will say with great feeling 'I hate you, mummy'

Lots of good advice here. Just to add something else, you say your dd is mentioning the nanny in her outbursts. What does your dd do with your nanny? How is their relationship when they are alone - do you feel you have a good idea of what goes on? does your nanny back you up 100% when you are around and also, when you are not? I think you need to be sure your nanny is not undermining you in a subtle way when you are not there. Or do you tend to be the one who disciplines your dd while your nanny doles out treats?

I don't exactly know how you can go about this, but if you have doubts, perhaps speak to the nanny?

I used to say
sometimes I really don't like you either sunshine, but cos I am your mummy I will always love you whatever you say or do...
It worked he looked really baffled and then we ended up joking about, what will we do differently today so that we can like each other all day, we still do it now and he is 10!!!

Well, we went out yesterday (pre and post nap), and things were much better. For most of the morning, I was a bit reserved with her (not sulking!)and held back on initiating cuddles and telling her I love her. Thought I'd stand back, and let her come to me. And she did. Got lots of "I love you mummy", and in general, my adorable dd had returned.

In the afternoon, she was very good while I spoke on the phone to an old friend in the USA for quite a long while. After the call she said "mummy I was good and let you talk on the phone" - so she is trying to be good, bless her!

We had some minor incidents last night that could have escalated, but I didn't allow them to. For some bizarre reason, she thinks it is funny to try to spit her saliva - where she got that from, heaven knows! I keep telling her that it isn't a nice thing to do, but she persists - almost daring me to take action. Last night as we were cuddling before bed, she did it. I told her to stop, but she continued. I ignored her, and she kept doing it with increasing vigor. Finally I simply said "That's not nice and mummy doesn't like it. If you keep doing it, we'll have a problem. I would much rather sit here and have a nice time with you before bed, so please stop". And she did, thankfully.

Tigermoth and sobernow - I have faith in our nanny, and don't think she is undermining me. She's actually very firm with dd, and has been teaching me (!) to be the same if I want better behavior. I think what is more likely to be happening is dd is playing one off the other. I am a single mum, so dd doesn't have the option of saying "I want daddy" when things aren't to her liking. Recently she has started saying "I want (nanny) to be my mummy", but in the past she has also said "I want (my good friend) to be my mummy." So, I tend to think it is more playing one off the other - just in our case, the other is a non-family member. And yes sobernow, those comments seem to come when I'm being strict with her and she's not getting to do exactly as she likes.

So, here's hoping for a better week. It's my birthday today, so the best present she could give me is a happy, loving day free of conflict. And thanks again to all of you for your support and kind words.