Ds's behaviour getting me down :(

[ETsmum]

Posted a few weeks back about taking my ds (3.8) to a show and him hating all the characters dressed up, and you lot were lovely and reassuring. He is slowly driving me spare though as he seems to raise issue with everything at the moment. Went to an easter egg hunt (well, was meant to!) with my SIL who he loves. Lasted 15 mins due to the person dressed as the easter bunny. To be expected I guess.

So we were invited to another easter egg hunt last week and I checked that there would be no one dressed up. He knew all the children and a lot of the adults etc. Had minor meltdown when party host suggested he decorate an egg. Today went for an otherwise lovely trip to Herm (little island near where we live.) Lovely boat trip etc. Went to the beach, suggested he paddle - which he agreed to - cue paddy over the sand (which we have had a couple of yrs back but I though it had pssed

Not sure what I'm after really - almost put this on the feeling depressed as am feeling cr*ap about it. It's as much the way in which I deal with him when he gets upset about these things that makes me sad. I tend to feel cross and I suppose embarassed that he is making a scene over something that most others take in their stride. Have seen mentioned on here about HSC (Higly Sensitive Children) and unsure wether he fits the bill and what to do for him? Just wish I could calm my temper too

Sorry to go on, just having a bad mummy eve I guess.....

I think the way I found forward with my hyper-sensitive soul was to encourage her to tell me what was wrong/how she felt and empathise greatly with her and to encourage but not push.

With the dog terror phase she got lots of praise passing a dog on the other side of the street without flipping out and slowly she got braver. I also told her how brave she was trying something she didn't like/doing something she found hard.

DD2 played with her sand pit for 3 months without actually touching the sand with her hands!

Give him opportunities to be exposed to things he will not like particularly(but not that will send him over the top)so he can get positive feedback. We did this to her with food - having new foods on her plate as she didn't like it and she objected but we just reassured her that it was okay etc Hope that makes sense.

Thanks CarGirl It's reassuring to hear someone else who has had similar dc. He just confuses me so much as in some ways he is really outgoing - will play with strange children in the park and chat to strange adults quite happily (I'm there of course!)

I WILL try the empathy.....I just find it really hard, which makes me sound so insensitive I know I will also work on the positives when he does well (we already do this for other good behaviour eg tidying up etc.)

Thanks for encouraging us to keep trying the things he doesn't like. I just feel like not taking him out at the mo as he seems to always have issue with something (if you hadn't guessed already, he isn't rally a "tantrummy" sort of child and I find this behaviour SO hard to deal with.)

And re your dds and her sandpit - thanks for making me smile

BTW she now absolutely loves dogs and has asked to stroke the local pair of red setters........

Now dd4 is absolutely petrified of toys that sing and move - like the singing noddy and over easter at PILS the rabbit that sings and claps it ears - petrified screaming - arghhhhhhhhhhhhhh!

Now dogs ds isn't TOO bad with (depends on the dog though!)

And yes, toys that sing/move - big no go area. Ds has finally said that MAYBE granny and grandpa can have their Christmas singing bear down this yr (at Christmas obviously) as he'll be 4.....we'll see..... I'm sure that ds would have NEVER liked one of those "tumbling Tigger" toys that were in the shops about a year ago - same for your dd4 I imagine

I'm reassured as well that hopefully it's not my fault that ds is turning out the way he is....you have at last 4 dc and must have a wealth of experience. Ds is an only and I had a rough 1st year with him, hence worrying (mostly irrationally) that he is emotionally scarred for life!

They each have their thing to get worked up over but dd2 def the most sensitive and introvert - there are some good books out there "the highly sensitive child" she hated toddler groups and stuff but I perservered, going early when it was quieter etc as she has to learn to cope in the real world with all that change and I guess I try to see it as my job to help her cope with that etc.

Bleedin irritating at times though. Baking was another thing and painting and play dough just doesn't like new textures - loves them all now though!

Yup, might get the Highly Sensitive Child out of the library....have skimmed it before, but ds just seems to be getting "worse" rather than "better." I was TRYING not to label him as such...well as anything really, but the thought of HSC keeps popping into my head. That is what confuses me though as he is very sensitive, but only introvert in certain sitiuations....quite extovert in others! I worry I have somehow raised him with a split presonality

We have made it thorough playdough though, and he fortunatley has always liked cooking.....just shows not all the pointers for HSC apply to EVERY child I guess.

Thanks for sharing my irritation - cross with myself as much as him. Have calmed down after this aft and now feel awful hence posting. Anyway, must be off for now as promised myself an early night. Your chat really helped

SO. Today I am going to be empathetic and patient with ds I am going to work extra hard for loving him for who he is, as opposed to wishing I could change anything about him. I am going to praise any behaviour that deserves it

Thought if I wrote this down it might help it happen! Sun is shining and we are off to the park this am - normally safe ground. Anyone else with tips to help me keep my composure as much as anything else, much appreciated

Buy the out of synch child (cheap paperback book- Amazon have it). There's lots you can do for hyper-sensitivity- and they have all the stuff in the back.

DS1 wouldn't walk on a beach for 2 years, wouldn't walk on grass even with shoes on, wouldn't touch anything vaguely squishy, wouldn't go near splashy water, would only eat 10 items (of dry plain) food, would strip off every time he got the tiniest drop of water on his clothes. 2 weeks ago I watched him playing in sand and splash at school (like a big room half massiive sandpit half shower), we went to the beach, on one day he ate steamed salmon for lunch and roast (and gravy etc) for tea. Is sat next to me now squishing playdough. All achieved wiith simple sensory programmes (he's almost 8 now so its taken some time- but I would never have believed the stuff he does now).

DS2 fusses about sand now!

Gess - thanks for the book idea - hadn't heard of that one

Will post properly later (ds up for cuddles now.) BUT we do have the food thing as well....he s eating more variety now as we are making a real effort to praise him trying new food, but it has to be ultra plain, and he would like to have each food on a seperate plate if we let him Thanks.

HI hope you have a lovely day. Just wanted to add that "sensitive" children are all sensitive about different things and I think 99% of children have stuff they are sensitive about it's just some children have more things and perhaps a little more extreme than most others.

To stay calm I can only suggest lowering your expectations of him I think I achieved this only by trying to see it from her perspective rather than me putting my expectations of what a 2/3/4 year old should be like.

I remember the one about wanting all food seperately - deep breaths, deep breaths!