Help me be a better parent

[user2814]

Hi,

To cut a long story short, I can have a short fuse, more so when I'm tired and/or the eldest isn't listening or responding. Which makes me sound like a monster and honestly I think I must be.

I don't want to keep being a mean, horrible parent, my mum was at times and unfortunately I can still remember those moments and I don't want my eldest too (3 and a half).

Things I've tried: counting to 10, leaving the room (where I can), reasoning, explaining, gentle parenting, consequences, naughty step, reward chart but none of consistently worked. We clash when we are both tired and he isn't really getting enough sleep despite trying and he is quite an active boy. I'm wiped, which doesn't help.

My short fuse I think has made him scared of me, which I really obviously don't want. And I'm absolutely mortified in myself with how I've handled situations as well as worrying that I've done unrepairable damage to my son.

How can I be better in these situations and be better with my anger?

There's a moment...a fleeting one, but a clear one nevertheless, when you make the decision to lose it.

I learned to recognise it...you have to practice being self aware...notice your feelings more. When he starts playing up, become an observer of yourself...rather than just of him.

You will, even as you're engaging in the power struggle, notice the split second in which you CHOOSE to lose it or to remain calm.

Once you've managed to not lose it once, it gets much easier.

Also, try to do something for your own sanity...yoga...mindfulness...gardening...art...whatever it is you like and which makes you feel better.

Well done OP I think being self aware and wanting to change is the hardest part. That was a great reply by mrs and you should follow that advice. I'd add that you should try to think a bit like your little one and it might help you to not get so frustrated you get to that point. I.e. they don't listen because they haven't learnt to concentrate fully yet rather than them being 'wilful' or deliberately ignoring you.

I also find it helpful/calming to have conversations out loud in the third person. I.e. Owwww dd just snatched NewDaddie's phone and smacked him in the mouth but NewDaddie isn't going to get cross because dd didn't mean to do that... or did she??? Huhhhh NewDaddie is going to eat dd tummy all up.

and for later

Mrsovertheroad great advice, I agree with it all

Following with interest. I could have written your post OP, you're not alone.

Perhaps imagine you are being observed?
Or
When I get exasperated with toddler behaviour I try to keep the tone of my voice sing-song, rather than cross, and the moment when you may lose control passes, let this feelings pass over you, and move on.

Need to bottle it up and take it out on people who don’t stop at zebra crossings or push in at queues