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Rewarding undesirable behaviour

1 reply

tryingmother23 · 07/09/2017 07:05

My son is six and can be challenging at times, overall he is a kind and caring, and can be behaved child. He is just very strong willed and has always been the 'rowdy' one in the class.

I am usually the mum being pulled aside because he has done something, he isn't horrible, just completely hates being told what to do.
He has lots of friends and is a sociable and friendly child but when things don't go his way he can kick up such a stink.

We have another child who is three and no problem.

Anyway to cut a long story short, the health visitor suggested that instead of taking away things, for example, if he doesn't go to bed and starts a tantrum, instead of saying he won't get his bike to take to school tomorrow...I should say, if you go to bed then you can have your bike tomorrow it is your choice.

Initially I was sceptical because my logic said that why should he be rewarded with things for not doing as he has been told, but in practice it has been working and I am amazed at the turn around. It not longer feels like a battle of the wills and situations are getting diffused much sooner than before.

My husband on the other hand says that it is not right and doesn't see why he should get rewards, so we are not agreeing on this and it is causing arguments between us! I was just wondering what other people thought of this?

OP posts:
Are your children’s vaccines up to date?
corythatwas · 07/09/2017 09:11

He isn't getting rewards: he is getting exactly the same as he would have if you had threatened removal of the bike and he had complied. You are just phrasing it in a less confrontational way. Eventually he will work this out but he may still do better with this new way because it allows him to keep his dignity.

I have an extremely touchy ds (now 17) and have always found that allowing for his feelings actually lets me to exercise more discipline, not less. And we haven't found that he struggles to obey his teachers or other authority figures: that situation is less emotional to start with.

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