Coping with DS being 'that' child

[picknmiss]

Hi there, looking for some advice or anyone's own experiences of this as I feel I'm managing it so badly.

DS is very active and energetic, he loves physical play and gets over excited easily. He is getting better at minding out for other children when playing and we have no complaints or concerns raised by his nursery about his interactions there.

However when we're out at toddler groups or with friends I spend the whole time reminding him to slow down and watch out, and he does ocassionally push other kids out of the way which I find mortifying and always make him apologise but he keeps doing it.

Yesterday we met up with friends and he pushed one of their children out of the way to get past on the trampoline, my friends were horrified (naturally) and although I told him off and made him apologise they kept steering their DD away from my DS and if he went to play near her they took her away and were making jokes about her wanting to leave if he came near I can't say I blame them but I honestly felt like crying. How can I make him understand people will avoid him if he can't calm down? He's only 3 but I don't want him to be left out by other children

Take him home the moment he pushes or hurts another child. Tell him beforehand and stick to it. This will reassure the other parents and hopefully make him remember.

I agree with cory, energetic, excited, running around are all absolutely fine. Pushing other children is not and I would give him one warning next time you're out (and explain beforehand)and if he did it again then it's time to leave. He'd get no 'strike' the next time, just told that if he pushes other dc you will leave.

Thank you both for your replies. Warning before we arrive somewhere is a great idea and I see now I thought I was being strict but obviously I need to be tougher and take him home if he causes any hurt.

I suppose my hesitance has been because he doesn't push to hurt, he pushes to get past and although of course he shouldn't do either, I have been told by other friends that I over react and he's just being a normal 3 year old and made to feel I was being harsh on him, and it was making me feel guilty and a bit lost about how to handle it.

Anyway, my gut was telling me I needed to keep going with the punishments and you've confirmed in fact I need to escalate it so that's what I will do from now on.

Personally I wouldn't escalate it or dish out punishments and would listen to your other friends advice. Don't be too harsh on him just yet, he's so little still and and he has so much to learn about interacting with others, yes make him aware pushing people out of the way is not the way to play, and pushing to hurt is a definite no no, but it's very early days at 3! Maybe I'm too lenient, or I'm just used to boisterous behaviour amongst friends kids, and throughout years R and year 1 with my own when I'm helping out at school. I'd start with a warning not to do it again and then a time out before I'd consider taking a 3 year old home from a group or play date for being boisterous and pushing out of the way , especially if it's a new / recent thing. If it's pushing to hurt on purpose I'd warn him beforehand that if he does it there will be a time out, and if it does happen then during time out I'd warn him that if he does it again we'd be going home, and then follow through.

Your friend sounds a bit precious and rude to be honest, we're all mortified when our child does something wrong and decent friends know that. Maybe I've misunderstood but it sounds like a pretty normal 3 year old incident to not get too worried about, just work on it with him and help him learn what's kind and what's not, it's no reflection on him and who he'll grow into or on you, and you won't get results overnight. It's also a time when boys and girls can play quite differently, plus trampolines are boisterous places! Try not to get upset next time, if you're surrounded by friends with perfect calm angels then it will be hard, but have a plan to deal with the issue and stick to it, then start the next day afresh not worrying about it. It sounds like he's doing well interacting with friends at nursery which is something to feel really positive about, and if you're still concerned maybe speak to them about what's been happening outside of nursery recently and ask them for their opinion and advice xx

Thanks very much for your kind reply violet it's nice to hear someone say it's not a reflection on the person he will grow into! It's so hard to be objective as parents and I adore him so much I think I overcompensate by assuming I just can't see him as clearly as others. I am always the first to reassure other parents when DS is inevitably shoved or knocked over, as I know how mortifying it is. He is pretty robust though and rarely whinges even if he takes a big tumble, so it's easy for us to make light of it whereas My friends DD is sensitive and will cry easily even if she's not hurt so I think that made it worse in this instance.

I suppose I have to find a balance and try to judge whether he really needs to be removed completely. He genuinely isn't an aggressive child and more people have told me I'm too hard on him than have suggested that he's a problem so perhaps the clear boundaries before we go somewhere and time outs if he does push anyone is the place to start.

Thanks all, it's so hard isn't it! I could probably lighten up a little...

I don't think a 3 year old pushing another child out of the way would be shocking - isn't this fairly normal. Of course you should say no and teach them to be appropriate but it's hardly problem child territory!

I think this is pretty normal and many kids will go through a phase like this. As I understand it children don't learn empathy untill they are a bit older so making them say sorry is quite abstract and can make them feel ashamed without knowing why. I'd say making him leave (when he's not doing it to be mean!) Is way too strong a reaction. Have you tried talking to him about it and asking how he feels if he is pushed over, or anything like that? Again though I'd say it's really not unusual!

It's really stressful feeling like people are judging you and your LO, I do sympathise!

Violet's reply is perfect. I wouldn't take my child to play at this "friend" again. Your boy is 3 he is behaving like a perfectly normal 3 year old. It's often the parents that make a big fuss over another child's behaviour when their child really wasn't bothered or hurt or upset. Someone will always have the most energetic child and someone will always have the wimp. Your mate has the wimp.

Your friend overreacted. At a gymnastics party at a sports centre recently, a relative of the birthday pushed my friend's child off a piece of equipment (not very high)He cried for the rest of the party and found out later had broken a bone in his foot. At no point did anyone become unpleasant about the child who pushed him or to his parents. His mother was mortified and very apologetic. The general feeling is they are only 4 and still learning self-control and they aren't capable of empathy yet.

*birthday child

I get annoyed when parents have boisterous children but don't supervise them or teach them how to behave.

I think your situation is perfectly reasonable and normal. He is 3 and you are correcting him if he misbehaves.

I would not say you have to leave to teach him a lesson but some sort of punishment might be helpful if he keeps pushing after being told, 3 min time out for example.