Advice about behaviours including public outbursts

[StarBlue84]

Hello,

I'm new to this board and decided to sign up after a friend advised me I might be able to get some good advice here. I've read different threads on this site before and they are always interesting and helpful. My daughter is 7 years old and is a lovely child. She is very loving towards me, younger children and has good friendships. She does, however, have some difficult behaviours which place stress upon our relationship at times and which stop me from being able to relax whenever we meet up with other people. I am aware that one reason may be a desire for more attention from me and I am working on this particular aspect of the problem. In general though, any advice on how to deal with these situations would be greatly appreciated.

1. Public outbursts. If she gets upset with me or other people she can't hold it in. She is VERY loud and it can become a big scene with tears and/or telling me or other people off. Sometimes the things she is upset about are understandable but the situations tend to get blown out of proportion very quickly and become dramatic.
2. She will often complain very loudly about things in public that she is not happy with to the point of rudeness. Paradoxically though, she is generally very polite and says please and thank you, etc. I don't mind the complaining so much as the fact that it is usually so loud that lots of people will hear. This is linked to 1.
3. She adores our new cat but despite having him with us for three months now, she doesn't listen to me about how he needs to be handled. She runs after him, squealing very loudly and it scares him off. She is gutted because she loves being around him. Despite numerous explanations that being handled roughly and shouted at will not endear him to her, she won't take this on board.
4. Despite lots of explanations and instructions, there are some things (like with the cat and the public outbursts) where she will ignore me and continue the behaviour.
5. I think this one is improving and I know this is a difficult one for children anyway.... monopolising conversation when my friends are over. I don't often get to see my friends. Mostly, I try and meet them on my own but when she is with me, I rarely get the chance to speak. She basically takes over despite gentle reprimands balanced with attempts to include her in conversation.

Any advice would be gratefully appreciated. Particularly about the public outbursts. This has always been a problem but had improved for almost a year. This summer it's been a problem again and I'm not really sure why but it ruins my enjoyment of outings and puts me in a state of perpetual stress.

Thanks.

My dd who's 5 is the same!
I totally understand when you mention public outings, I dread it.

I'm sorry I can't offer any specific advise on how to deal with this as I'm in the same boat, however a few things I've been trying out seem to help (a little).

When going out I explain the behaviour I want and expect, rather than the behaviour I don't.
So, rather than say "I don't want you to moan, winge" I say "I'd like you to remember to be polit and wait until mummy's finished talking before you start talking," or something like that, make it positive rather than highlight the negative.

I try to take things with me that I know dd will like and usually Keep her occupied / distracted if a meltdown is heading our way, a notepad and pen, peel off nail varnish, tub of slime, etc.

With the cat I'd get some catnip stuff and ask dd to sit down on the sofa with you and try and encourage cat to come over to you both, that way dd might understand that by being calm will make the cat want her company.

Sorry not much help, your post really is something that I could have written regarding my dd's behaviour, hope someone will be along soon with more suggestions.

Hi Ellie,

Thank you for answering my post. It's a nightmare, isn't it? I do talk about expectations and sometimes I can state them positively but quite often I can be naggy and negative about it due to the frustration and fear I feel of going out in public. I will consciously make an effort to talk about my expectations in a different way.

I think the catnip is a good idea. I will try it. In general, investing a bit more time into modelling how to behave with him would probably help. Feeding the cat each day is her job so the cat associates her with something positive and he does enjoy playing with her sometimes. They can be cute, running around the house together (sometimes the cat chases her!). Unfortunately, most of the time it's too much for him and he gets upset with the speed of her approach and the shouting.