I need advice on how to discipline my 13 yr old.....

[miku]

she has one job she HAS to do- the recycling- it involves taking the bag downstairs, emptying it in the bin- bringing up the bag. She has a friend here, going out s/where- and had a fit that she has no t-shirts to wear- so puts a WET one fresh from the wash- I get angry at her and say she can borrow one of mine ('I never wear other peoples clothes' she says)- she puts it on anyway. Next minute, she comes into the kitchen and says I kno you are angry ith me, and Im sorry, but I'll be fine (with wet t-shirt on)- can I have some money for lunch? I say, in 5 minutes, Ill give it to you when you've done the recycling. She says 'but I have to go NOW'- and then goes out- yelling bye!
What can I do? she went out without money! feeling like I have no power over her!

Take control of the situation now! See my post uncontrollable teenager. I thought my new husband was overstrict with his teenage daughter but she is a polite well behaved girl because of it. My too soft attitude has come back to bite me with my daughter with vaping and messing around sexually, I feel I failed her as I overindulged her due to my divorce from her dad.

Something I have read (and experienced through my own work) is that teenagers are quite similar to toddlers only they can verbalise their feelings. In other words, it is a time when she feels like she needs to have choices and feel like she is in control. You need to find a way to frame the situations so that she can feel like she is in control but ultimately, you can get the behaviour you want.

The t-shirt thing... personally I would let it go. It's not a great choice but part of growing up is making choices and learning about the consequences of them. I would put up no resistance to that whatsoever. She will learn for herself that it's not really a good idea. It sounds like the situation became something of a power struggle. Sometimes it is a case of choosing your battles.

As for the recycling, if you give her pocket money, why don't you just make it conditional on her doing the recycling (and potentially other chores). If they are done, she gets the money. If they are not done, she doesn't get the money. It's her choice. You don't have to shout or make a big issue of it. Just sit down, explain that this is how it is going to be. It's clear, fair and if she doesn't follow your requests, there is a clear consequence.

Also, it struck me that she said she knew you were angry with her... sounds like you need to just try having a chat and explain that you felt concerned (consequences about t-shirt and leaving without money) and under stress yourself at balancing all of the different chores (and potentially work and other responsibilities). You want her to have fun and enjoy herself but you also want her to take care of her responsibilities.

I don't think you need to come down hard on her but it does sound like you need to lay down some clear guidelines and what the consequences will be if she doesn't do as you ask. Maybe even sit down and talk about chores and ask her which chore she would prefer to do. Maybe she would be willing to vacuuming or dishes instead of recycling, for example. Get her involved in the decision-making process the same way that you would with a 2 or 3 year old, ha ha. :)

StarBlue84- it worked out ok. We didn't shout, I was just exasperated. She came back later, did the recycling, and tshirt was dry! luckily, we can talk, just had a few days of her being un-cooperative, and I felt like she was going off on one. I have talked to her about being addicted to her phone, and she needs to 'wean' herself off it to be able to be bored , and do other stuff. Think we are ok. thanks for the support and backup though, everyone.