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No! No! No! My rude, disrespectful 6.5 year old son. What to do?

8 replies

Ferrousfumerate1 · 28/08/2017 13:52

When he's great, he's great. But most of the time he's a naysayer, wilful, tons of attitude and generally rude.

We have tried everything. We have read every book going. We have boundaries and firm things in place so he knows our expectations but we also play a lot with him and love bomb him a lot.

We are on holiday and I can't help comparing him to the other kids we are with. None are perfect, they're kids but none push boundaries like he does.

I feel so shit about it. What and where to go is? Any advice from seasoned parents?

OP posts:
Are your children’s vaccines up to date?
9monthchallenge · 28/08/2017 16:38

No advice :( sorry! But some sympathy! ... we r in the same boat here! (DS's r 5 (nearly 6) and 3.5). Plus, every time I treat my DS's to something, they appear so ungrateful and just want more til I wish I hadn't bothered!! .... I will watch thread as I need advice too Flowers

MissEDashwood · 28/08/2017 16:56

It's hard when you're in an environment with other children, as it's second nature really to compare, even though we shouldn't. The angelic 4 year old possibly gave Mum and Dad absolute hell this morning and will at bedtime, but in between butter wouldn't melt.

I know they test boundaries in the toddler years, but it can happen at any time really.

Has he had anything that has changed his routine or environment he's in? Was the problem prior to the summer holidays or as a result of?

I would personally keep check of his behaviour when at home, it might seem infantile but maybe a chart with the day's split up into sessions. That way he can see the unhappy faces, he's reminded he's been naughty, set a benchmark of 'x' unhappy faces, he loses something he enjoys. Every time he protests revert back to the chart.

Have say 3 faces, happy, neutral & sad. If you have crayons colour the squares in if you have time green for good, yellow for inbetween and red for naughty. Just so he can see after say a week, how many red boxes he has.

My method of parenting is different in that I don't shout, I don't hit, I don't even threaten to hit. Just a change in my tone of voice lets my DC know Mummy isn't happy. When he does something naughty, remove him to a safe spot, say the stairs, explain why his behaviour was unsatisfactory, explain how you want him to behave, as often as you can, say I really don't want to put a sad face, but if you're naughty Mummy has no choice.

As autumn is coming, maybe start reminding him that Santa (if he exists in your house) is checking his lists, you'd hate for him to be on the naughty boy side.

When he does something good use positive reinforcement, Mummy is so happy with you, Mummy loves it when you do good things, shall we do something special like play a game, read a book, do some arts. Keep on reminding him that this is how Mummy wants him to behave.

Hopefully once back at school things should change. I do think summer breaks are hard on parents and children. Try and think of all you can that he enjoys so you engage with him.

When he's being told off hold his band, with a hand on his back or leg giving comfort whilst you explain everything.

It's important to show actions have consequences, so no afternoon cartoon. Instead you want him to draw a pretty flower to say sorry to Mummy for being naughty. Put it where he can see it, if he behaved whilst doing that activity, tell him several times how pretty it is, also that it makes you so happy when he's good, the picture is better than real flowers.

I hope I made sense, I think positive reinforcement is such a good tool. Also removing him and sitting him on the stairs, whilst being loving, shoes love is unconditional, Mummy still loves you, but you should do 'x' because 'y' - ask if he understands. Then do an activity that is positive and praise the good behaviour, warn him about the bad, like, we're having such a good time, don't let naughty (name) come back as you prefer good (name)

One activity I've just thought of is masks. So if he's naughty, go through the routine, then say we're going to draw some masks, one is good (name) the other is bad (name). Comment throughout the activity how much happier the good face looks, that's really nice I love it. Then for the naughty face ask can he see differences between the two. This is my sad face, show him yours, Mummy looks so much better when she's happy with (name). Mummy really doesn't like getting cross. Offer a hug, then a treat after the activity if he was good.

Sorry for the essay BrewCake

Ferrousfumerate1 · 28/08/2017 19:42

Thanks for taking the time to write such a lengthy reply. It's appreciated. To be honest, we already do/have done a lot of this. It's all very familiar. We will just keep persevering, I guess. The mask idea is nice but I wonder if he's a bit old for it and also you need time to do this - it's not something you can do when out and about.

I am curious about one thing you said - you mentioned you parented 'differently' or something like that. Different from whom? And you talked about not hitting or threatening to hit - I'm not sure what your benchmark is for this comment? I wouldn't dream of hitting or even implying it, and I've very rarely come across anyone who has this in their parenting arsenal

OP posts:
MissEDashwood · 28/08/2017 23:27

I'm not saying you would or do that, I meant that parenting wise I think explaining is better than shouting if that makes sense. I think shouting is a bit like smacking, where it's more your frustration. I've been told that I'm a hippy parent, we all do things differently, as long as our DC's are happy, that's the benchmark.

Sorry if it sounded like I was implying you shouted etc, I just wanted to explain I've always explained why it's bad, repeated behaviour will result in suspension of privileges. I don't know if that makes sense.

I hope you find a solution.

Ferrousfumerate1 · 29/08/2017 06:45

Hmm. I'm not sure about your explanation/reply but I'll leave it there.

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Stinkycleanhouse · 29/08/2017 07:25

I'm not sure why you're annoyed with the poster above.
She's explained she parents differently to some others - she doesn't know you so she doesn't know how you parent, that's rhe way I took it when I read it anyway.
We also do lots of talking, explanations and sometimes our son of 7 1/2 also pushes it but we are now doing something similar to what the above lady said and having happy and sad faces and after enough he can choose a treat or a day out somewhere fun.
I haven't found he's too old for it and it seems to be working Okay.
Good luck as you do come across slightly defensive which won't help if you're genuinely seeking help from people.

Ferrousfumerate1 · 29/08/2017 08:20

I'm not being remotely defensive. I was grateful for the advice. I simply did not understand the two references to hitting. I've never met anyone who chooses to parent by hitting.

OP posts:
Stinkycleanhouse · 29/08/2017 11:15

I think you just focused on the wrong part.
She was just explaining her method.
Just because you haven't met people who parent like that, doesn't mean she hasn't.
Maybe where she lives / in her circle of friends / family members, she is in the minority by not hitting / threatening to hit?
I do understand why you took it the way you did though as reading it back it could be taken that way but I doubt it was intended.
Average parents I come across don't scream / hit their children but I have seen some who do so its not unheard of and its a conscious decision not to parent in that way because it would be wrong to do so.
Nothing's easy though, and I do sympathise as my child can be similar to what your described and all I do is what I mentioned on top of taking him straight home if he is really ruining the day with bad behaviour and its not completely OTT to take him home ( like leaving grandparents or a party for instance, I would try not to do this )
Do you have any other children?

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