Help! My 6 year old daughter hates learning! What to do?

[LeiLei1984]

Hi,

It's my first post on here. I'm at my witts end! My daughter is 6 and a half years old and will be going into year 2 at school in September.

Overall she's well behaved, very bright, and an excellent communicator/ conversationalist but for some reason she hates learning. If she's asked to do something at school that she doesn't feel like she wants to do she has tantrums and tells the teacher point blank that she's not doing it! Ive tried everything, we go to Waterstones every month and together we choose workbooks and reading books appropriate to her age and abilities. Ive brought her maths, phonics, spelling workbooks to do at home but whenever I get them out she starts screaming hysterically and kicking furniture saying she doesn't want to do it and when I ask her what she'd prefer to do she says she wants to go on the IPad and watch YouTube! Today she's told me she doesn't want to work/ have a job when she's older as she can't be bothered to learn, she said she wants to stay at home watching YouTube on her iPad! Now this is the complete opposite of me, I've always worked, have a degree, I have a very good job! And have always enjoyed learning! There is no one in our family that behaves like this or has this poor attitude to learning. I know she doesn't struggle with the work as she's very capable but she just has this lazy attitude and tantrums that I can't deal with! She's my only child so has my full attention and time.

If anyone has any advice or suggestions I'd be so grateful as I just feel so stuck. I just don't want her falling behind and struggling in year 2.

What did her end of year report say?
Would you consider a tutor maybe?
We are maybe considering one for one of ours now who sounds similar

Oh Lord. I'd have kicked off if my parents had piled me with workbooks at the weekend. There's enough of that in school.

Would she tolerate being read to? No tests, no analysing, nothing but stories stories stories. Or playing board games/scrabble/yahtzee?

Tutor!?!?! At six?

Dear Lord.

Hello there,

I know it's hard but don't take her comments about not working too seriously. I would speak before the school year to her old teacher, see what she says. Ask the teacher if it's something she's dealt with before, would getting SEN:SED involved be an option.

She sounds very strong willed. It could be that she's really bright and feels it's not worth her time. When she says she won't do something ask why? See if she'll verbalise an answer. Or if you learn she's done it at school, ask why didn't you want to do 'x' with your classmates.

It might be worth asking to speak to the SEN lead to get her opinion, they can monitor the situation and try and find the cause.

I tried using the extra curricular stuff with my two, it really was hit and miss whether they would co-operate.

I agree it sounds worrying, hopefully it's a phase.

Has anything changed in her life at all? Wondering if something has triggered the behaviour.

Will keep checking in and add anything I think could be relevant.

Best of luck

A tutor can be very valuable for a child who doesn't / can't work well in bust group environments.
At school there will be 29 other children, all with different needs and different personalities so she may not be getting all she needs out of that environment.

Hi,

My daughters end of year report basically says that if she doesn't start concentrating on her work and knuckle down in year 2 she'll struggle and get left behind. They said they'll monitor her until October and decide from then what they'll do. I'm not sure if she behaves like this to get out of doing work? Or whether she struggles? She does sometimes get frustrated if she doesn't 'get' something straight away and I'm patient with her and explain that practice makes perfect.

Another example - she got so angry that another child had won the class writing competition. She was literally fuming the whole day at school and at home (kicking and screaming in the car the whole way home). I explained that the little girl had won because she'd been practicing her writing and got very good at it. That sentence alone made my daughter kick off big time!

I try not to put too much pressure on her but I've been thinking about a tutor as I don't want her getting behind. I've decided to wait until October and see what school say.

She has lots of books and games but she's not interested, even when I'm reading to her, she just drifts off into space. She's quiete creative and enjoys crafts, singing and dancing etc so we do that stuff together. We had a good day together today, went out for a meal as I'm back at work tomorrow, and I spoke to her again about it all and her reply was 'well, If I do get a job when I'm older It'll be as a YouTube vlogger or a singer so I won't need maths and English!'.

So for now I'll have to wait and see what October brings. Thanks for the advice, i really appreciate it.

It's frustrating as I was very academic & book worm like, neither DC is the same.

I would certainly think maybe Aspergers if her behaviour can be a problem. Really they should be taking the lead and trying to figure out what's wrong, as I'm sure you don't need telling it's not typical behaviour. That's why I'm wondering if they should get SEN started ASAP, even if it's to see how she does when supervised with a helper.

The school really don't appear in the least bit proactive or helpful. You'd hope they may have had similar scenarios in the past, to point them in the right direction help wise.

I feel a little frustrated too if I'm honest. The school have said they'll assess her in October to see where she's at academically so hopefully they will have an indication if she does have Aspergers.

Another point the school mentioned is that she generally enjoys the social aspect of school but she prefers to sit and be around the teachers as she enjoys communicating with adults which they've been trying to discourage. I'm aware of this as at home she doesn't like to play with cousins her age, she prefers being around the teenagers. I'm not sure if this has huge significance but school made a big deal of it.

I would say it's odd to link learning to read / maths in KS1 with job prospects, they're only minimally linked anyway and only because some who struggle to learn will continue struggling. But it's completely alien to a 6 year old, and the goal is so far away that they can't possibly work towards it.

You wouldn't talk about learning to ride a bike or being fit and active so she avoids health problems in 20 or 40 years, so why do you walk about learning other skills by what they lead to? Also I don't think you actually get a work ethic by being told someone elses long distant goal is why you're doing it. You get it by finding your own goals (doing better in the writing competition), finding your own interests (finding a topic or stories you love reading about) and then following it through.

If you don't like workborks, then doing workbooks are a chore, some kids like them, they're just puzzles, but if they don't, and they're being framed as work rather than pleasure, then I'm not surprised.

Why would the school want to discourage her talking to teachers, that sounds strange, what exactly does a school assessing a child in October mean, surely teachers are continually assessing kids? Especially in KS1 where it's mostly just practicing a few basic skills.

"We had a good day together today, went out for a meal as I'm back at work tomorrow, and I spoke to her again about it all and her reply was 'well, If I do get a job when I'm older It'll be as a YouTube vlogger or a singer so I won't need maths and English!'. "

A six-year old really shouldn't have to defend herself in those terms (and especially not to her mother). This sounds like the kind of discussion you might be having with your teenager.

You are making a mistake linking her current learning (which should be fun) to a future she can't really understand anyway. She has no idea of what a different person she will be in 10 years' time or 15 years' time and how much easier a lot of things will be for her then. All this will do is make her feel the future is a threatening place. And you should certainly not be doing this during what was meant to be a pleasant day out.

Also, whether you love learning or not is really neither here nor there. Plenty of academic parents get non-academic children: your job is to be the best parent possible for whatever person she turns out to be.

Well, getting on best with much older (or younger) people can sometimes be a sign of a social interaction problem. Your DD's verbal communication may be great but her non-verbal could be a bit weaker and she will need that for kids her own age. Things like knowing when to speak up, knowing the signs when another child is upset or offended, how to get in and out of a game, that kind of thing. That may be why the school are a bit concerned. Though it may turn out to be nothing major after all.

Your DD does sound a bit anxious and perfectionist. If she can't win/get it right then she wont try? Maybe you can find ways she can learn through play and play without competing/losing. e.g. You could play snakes and ladders (good way to teach numbers!) and swap players now and again, and finagle things so she's playing the leader at the end. Do activities with her like baking and cooking because weighing and measuring and pouring ingredients are a huge help. Show her fractions and dividing up when you cut up apples or pizza. Give her spending money each week and let her choose what to buy and talk about what things cost. Get her to help you by choosing the cheapest bag of apples in the shop - and don't correct her if she gets it wrong, the point is that she is doing the work, instead boast to her father about how clever and helpful she has been. Singing songs and and telling rhymes is a great way to learn the regularities that reading is based on.

If she has real issues with concentration then telling her to practice might not help. You'll need to figure out what helps her concentrate - physical activity? Breaking things down into tiny steps? Relating it to one of her own interests? Keeping everything short and switching quickly from one thing to another? - and help adapt what she does in a way that suits her. If she likes singing maybe she could make up a times-table song, or if she's better active you could recite them together as she walks along, that kind of thing.

A tutor is also a possibility but I'd be inclined to see what the school say first. I hope they are able to give you some better pointers later in the year

And I have to admit that the idea of a six year old "hating learning" made me smile. She's six. She can't help learning!

Looks like the ipad and youtube have to go. It's a supernormal stimulus, and your DD doesn't yet have the executive function to be able to separate herself from a supernormal stimulus to pay attention to a normal stimulus.

I'm sorry, but to me it rather sounds as if YOU have pushed her into this frame of mind, perhaps by being over keen that she does well and conforms at school.

When I was a TA working with Year 2 children, we had a girl who would never conform or do anything the teacher required of her. I suggested we try an experiment, and instead of these constant battles, that we set work for the rest of the class, but for this occasion we tell the girl she need NOT do what the others were doing, but she could choose something for herself.

Guess what! Once the pressure was off her, she did choose to do the same as the rest of the class were doing!

Now, I don't claim a strategy like this will always work, nor might it work for every child, but I feel your DD is intelligent and aware, as she says she can be YouTube 'vlogger' or a singer, so won't need English and Maths!

She probably has confidence 'issues' which may have arisen because she feels, what ever she does, she can't meet the standards that you (unknowingly) have set for her. I would guess that, inside, she is very unhappy and confused, and doesn't know how she can cope with life. You say you TRY not to put pressure on her, but I think that is exactly what you are doing.

A couple of questions: is Dad on the scene, and if so what does he think about things? How does he react, and what stance does he take? And are there any siblings, and if so how are they doing in school, and what age are they?

I think you need to get professional support for her, while she is young, and before any long-term damage is done.

Take the pressure way, way off. Stop doing 'educational' stuff out of school time, you are reinforcing the idea this is a chore she must sacrifice her time to. Take a broader view of learning - she'll gain by just exploring the world with you and her siblings/cousins. Do some fun, enriching days out and stop trying to make her buckle down to formal learning if it's just reinforcing a vicious cycle.

Maybe she will be 'behind' in year 2. It doesn't matter. She's very small still. If you can break the negativity around school, and stop giving her reasons to resist it, she'll bounce back later in her school career. If you reinforce a fear/hatred of all things educational, she'll stay behind no matter how many tutors you throw at her.