Help me with behaviour!

[Photomummy16]

I'm a bit at my wits end...

My 3 year old daughter is non verbal with possible asd. She has very little concept of danger and is not worried about displeasing people.

When she was younger, there was very little call to 'tell her off', but as she has got older she has (very normally) begun to test boundaries. The only problem is that it seems impossible to give her any boundaries! She has no impetus to do what she is told and thinks it's hilarious if we tell her 'no'. She is very bright (can read a few words, understands what we say very well) despite being non verbal, which must be very frustrating but the behaviour is not always language related.

For example, if I say 'don't walk in the road' and explain why, she will give me an enormous cheeky grin and jump into the road. She won't stay in bed, she hurts her sister for the reaction she gets from us, she thinks it's funny to randomly come up and hit me or her father in the face.

On the whole she is wonderful, and plays brilliantly and we have a lot of fun, and she surprises us everyday with what she can do, but the bad behaviour is hard.

I'm finding it really difficult - myself and my siblings were brought up to be very well behaved and polite and it's how I imagined my children would be too! I just feel like a bit of a failure in this respect and would love some advice.

Just to add, our usual tactic is to make her look us in the eye and very firmly say 'no' and/or 'that makes me sad' with the accompanying makaton, and to try to keep eye contact until she looks slightly contrite!

When it IS due to frustration of not being understood, e.g. chucking food because it's not what she wanted, we do try to be more understanding and reassuring.

One friend thinks she 'just needs a good smack' but that is the exact opposite of what she needs - condoning hitting when you are cross will only make things worse. Grrr.

'she hurts her sister for the reaction she gets from us'

I think this is key. It is about your reactions. Can you try blocking any hits and very calmly saying 'I won't let you hit (or whatever) and following through by physically blocking hitting. You don't need to labour the 'nos', or tell her she's making you sad. she knows she's not supposed to do these things, but it's normal impulsive toddler behaviour. Low impulse control. She shouldn't be told she had the power to make you sad with her normal behaviour.

Look out for her behavioural cues when she is getting like this and be prepared to physically block any hitting etc.

She is testing your reactions as she is interested by your 'exciting' response. Make it a bit more boring and physically prevent the behaviour until her impulse control improves.

For food throwing, calmly end the meal each time.

Do you still use a pram when out & about?

Ok that's a good point. I think when it all started we did labour it a bit as we weren't totally sure if she understood she was being unkind. But yes, a calmer non-interesting approach sounds much better.

We don't use a pram for her anymore, but she has one of those backpacks with reins attached (which she loves, luckily).

I guess the limit outdoors when she's running off would then be that when you are somewhere unsafe that she either holds your hand or must have the reins on, and follow through every time until she's through her running off phase. I'd say you can be very firm about this limit as it's safety, but again she might be looking for your reaction or for you to chase her, so just stick with that limit (or something similar) and don't give it too much attention if you're somewhere safe.

Good luck

For obviously dangerous things there should be an immediate sanction, I have always used the buggy so if ds ran off/wouldn't wait etc I would say he had to go into the buggy. I think they're just too young and self absorbed (which is totally normal!) for 'you're making me sad' to be very effective at this age. I agree with pp that things like hitting etc need to be met with non participation on your part, not indifference but calmly holding her whilst not reacting. Going mad with praise for good behaviour could help too.