running out of ideas quick and fast -anyone help?

[karenanne]

hi i dont post very often as people always seem to get there before me lol! im getting desperate here though and as your all fountains of wonderful knowledge i want to pick your brains.
i have a beauitiful dd whos 4 and a ds whos just coming up to 7 mths.my problem is my dd shes always been feisty and im rather glad as ive always been a wallflower but her behaviour for the past year has been getting steadily worse to the point where im really dreading the thought of the summer holidays.shes cheeky ,rude her manners seem to have flown right out the window ,she doesnt do as shes told just laughs and runs off ,if i ask her not to do something i turn round 2 minutes later to find her doing exactly what i asked her not to do.for example yesterday we went to my mums and she was climbing on my dads moped .i and my mum both told her not to climb on it as if it fell over she would get really hurt.what did she do ...just kept climbing in the end i had to bring her home.i dont tell her off willy-nilly only for things where its dangerous or she could get hurt.
today her db has been poorly i laid him down on the sofa for his nap and asked her to not wake him up.off i go to the loo and come back to find her standing there pulling his dummy in and out.
shes very intelligent and bright so why is she acting like this??it started before ds was born so its not jealousy and we make sure she gets plenty of attention and time with us on her own after ds has gone to bed in the evening.weve tried all the obvious ways to 'disipline' her time outs-she just screams for england this can go on constantly!taking toys away.star charts etc .
we're running out of ideas and with the summer holidays looming im getting an immense sense of dread....any advice very very welcome and thank you if you got this far
karenanne xx

Hi Karenanne. I'm not sure if I'm in a position to offer advice but huge ammounts of sympathy are yours. I have similar problems with my 3.5 year old dd. The rudeness, defiance, screaming, and plain disobedience all sound terribly familiar. I too am dreading the routineless nature of the holidays and reckon I shall just try to keep us as busy as possible. I have been reliably informed by many other mnetters that this isn't unusual and it is just a phase. That's what I'm holding on to. If you are settling and keeping to boundaries and rules then there isn't much more you can do. Have a look at some of the advice posted on "Obnoxious three year old - advice needed". I've found it immensely comforting to know that other people are going through the mill with their kids as well - not in a nasty way. Where are you based? Is dd at nursery? School? Have you tried talking to her teachers? Good luck, and chin up. xxxx

my ds1 is very spirited and outgoing. if it had been my ds1 i would have let him sit on the moped with me holding on for a short while. if you think from the childs point of view she wasn't being naughty - it must have been so tempting with all those dials/handlebars/buttons/wheels to look at and touch. then maybe your mum and dad could park it in the garage - out of sight? as with all kids they just want to copy what they see around them and make sense of the world. waking up the younger sibling is a common phase as its the perfect 'cause and effect'. its much more interesting to them than to play with a toy. again to avoid conflict could you put your ds upstairs for his naps? try and focus on what she can do rather than what she can't, anticipate worse case scenerio before you do something/go somewhere and have a get out plan or try and find a strategy to help/talk her through it.focus on her 'holding on tight' on the moped rather than saying 'you are going to fall, its too dangerous'. i have now given my ds1 the role of being ds2's teacher which he loves so every time something starts to go a bit wobbly or he regresses, i remind him we have to help ds2 learn how to do it properly.
my ds1's teacher has helped me so much with a lot of what you are saying. she advises that you have to model the behaviour you want them to copy. she reminded me that my son was basically holding up a mirror to my own behaviour. i was teaching him to say please and thank you but then i would turn round and rant at my dh when he came back from work. if you find you are saying not to do something and then she does it anyway could you change the situation to say 'i'm just going upstairs, could you lay the table for tea please/put the clean washing in the basket etc.?' then lots of praise if she does it. maybe give her some of that responsibility/curiosity she seems to be craving and/or take the things out of the room that cause the conflict?
not being critical just trying to look at it from her angle. since i've been doing this with ds1 its really turned things around. with 2 it is so much harder, it takes tiredness to a whole new level! good luck and hope it helps x