What do you do when your 6 year just refuses to do as you ask?

[PuffinNose]

We're struggling with the behaviour of our 6 year old.

We have set rules and repocusions which we stick to and they understand. The repocusions are appeopriate eg tonight a toy was thrown angrily at the cat, this resulted in immediate cancellation if a school trip. We have issues with hitting/kicking and threats to, so we're having to come down hard on it when it happens.

We're all pretty upset about cancelling the trip. If I'm honest I want to say we've changed our mind and it's on again. But I won't because I can't.

But I feel so guilty and I'm scared it'll be one of those things that they remember forever and it teints evetything.

Sorry, back to the point. A new issue is the point blank refusal to do as we ask/tell. This was what kicked it all off tonight. It was time for teeth and all we had was "no. I'm not doing it". Obviously it then came to "if you don't do your teeth now, X will happen". They reply was "yeah? Well I don"t care!". And then everything kicked off.

So much relies on co-operation. How on earth do we manage it when it isn't forthcoming?

We are the adults and ultimately what we say goes but at the same time we don't want to be purely authoritarian. I grew up in a house where if I didn't do as I was told or I questionned anything, I was smacked.

We do, do rewards as well. They asked for this because school do it. I have mixed feelings about this. Things like listening or eating with a knife and fork shouldn't earn a toy, it should just be done.

I'm sorry. That turned into a brain dump. I am really worried about what we'll do when they get older, if we are struggling so much now.

I feel your pain! My 7 year old is the same, sometimes I despair of what she's going to be like as a teenager. It also seems to me that the more attention and treats she gets, the more entitled she becomes and the worse her behaviour gets. The school holidays don't help either!

I've no advice really, other than I guess you need to pick your battles and with stuff that you feel is important you do need to stick to rules and consequences, even if it is painful for everyone involved.

Let's hope this is just another phase, and they'll turn into angelic teenagers instead!

My own experience is that punishments work better if they are not the immediate go-to solution to any discipline problem and if they are relevant to/in proportion to the crime. Also useful if they are immediate and of relatively short duration, particularly for young children, so they can make a fresh start relatively soon.

If they spend too much time being in disgrace they may start thinking of being in disgrace as their natural default position- and that will not improve their behaviour. We have tried to stick to a basic rule of not letting the sun go down on our anger, and it is very seldom that it has been completely impossible.

Cancelling the school trip doesn't seem a logical consequence of throwing a toy at the cat. I would try to find something more immediate. Often a stern word and The Look is all it takes. Punishment for repeated misbehaviour or direct defiance. But also remember that defiance is often borne out of feelings of guilt, and that sometimes just staying calm and stern is enough.

I personally think the whole "pick your battles" line is part of the problem for lots of children's behaviour. It means lots of rudeness and bad behaviour slips through the net because it's not worth the "battle". I believe they need to be picked up on everything in order to produce a well behaved polite child.

I find if they are refusing to get a reaction out of you then saying "Ok, have it your way. Let me know if you change your mind" helps.
So instead of "if you don't brush your teeth X will happen"
I'd say "OK well your 6 old enough to know what happens when teeth don't get brushed, you go straight to bed. I'll be in the sitting room if you change your mind about tooth brushing" and walk away.

Obviously you have to run the risk that the thing won't happen, but that's not happened with my kids yet.
Also if the reason for not wanting to brush teeth lies with the act of tooth brushing itself rather than general delaying tactics/attention seeking etc it probably won't work either.

I'd recommend reading how to talk so kids will listen and listen so kids will talk little kids edition.

The school trip was the next day so immediate and given the issues we have with hitting and general hurting (has also caused issues at school) we do need to take a very strict approach. The look or a stern telling off is not enough for this issue. She understands that she doesn't get a warning if she hurts and she knew the trip was dependent on behaviour. If it was a one off, then cancelling the trip possibly would have been OTT for what she did but it isn't and hitting etc will not be tolerated. We wouldn't have done it for a bit of cheekiness.
We are working with her to find other ways to use her frustration/anger.
We've since talked about it and she understands why. I'm really hoping that now she knows we will do it, we won't need to do it again.
We always all make up before bed and all have a cuddle and a chat (when she is ready). Can't start a new day with anger from the day before. :)
With some things (like cleaning her teeth) if we gave her an option, she wouldn't do it. Haha! But I take the point about asking myself if I can let her pick the consequences.
I do make a point of recognising positives eg yesterday she was delightful so I said things like "that was really polite" and "great listening" etc and when we got home I told husband/dad in front of her how well behaved she was and again at the end of the day told her how much I enjoyed her company and had a lovely day with her. That sounds OTT written down like that but it wasn't over tge whole day! At least I don't think it was...
We've just spent the morning making a new reward chart together and she is really excited about it.
My worry is that if I pick up on everything, all I'll do is nag at her constantly and she'll shut down and ignore the important things. For instance she puts her dirty clothes in/by the washing machine but sometimes forgets to unravel her underwear from her trousers etc. Right now, I'm more interested in her always putting her clothes where they should be. Once that is sorted, then we'll work on the underwear.if I pick her up on the underwear it ignores that she put her stuff where it should be which is more important. Daft example I know.

I have two DDs with Aspergers and I have to take a different approach to parenting because rewards and sanctions don't work for us.

I get why you cancelled the trip but I would also have asked myself what might have contributed to the behaviour. In our case it would probably have been stress about the school trip, even if it was something she really wanted to do and the behaviour would have served a function by removing the source of stress. She would still have been upset about missing out but probably relieved too.

I would also spend some time thinking with her about the teeth-cleaning. Why doesn't she want to clean them? Is there something that could change to make it easier?

I usually find that, if I ask a few questions, not necessarily at the time in question, I will find out there is a problem I hadn't thought about that could solve the problem without needing to resort to sanctions.

At other times, I try to use natural consequences as discussed earlier. The natural consequence of not cleaning your teeth could be that you can't eat sugary treats because they will stay on your teeth too long. It isn't a sanction so I can be as disappointed as she is that she just can't have them when her sister does.

It helps to give reasons why you like the things you're praising. I like how you xxxx because that means xxxx. That reinforces the positive natural consequences of their behaviour too.

How did she feel about missing the school trip?
To me that was be appropriate punishment, what did her teachers say?

I have had issues with my 7 year old ........mostly related to anger and frustration and I found myself and him getting into a negative spiral. I have been reading and putting the practical ideas from 'How to Calm a Challenging Child' by Miriam Chachamu into our lifes. It not a magical solution but I have found the ideas and suggestions in the
book thought provoking and realistic. You might like to check it out?