This isn't normal outbursts is it? 10 year old

[Shemozzle]

My daughter is 10. She has had agressive uncontrollable meltdowns since she was a year old. At least once a day, and I just feel like I can't go on anymore. I'm just so exhausted with it. She saps all my patience and I'm an angry shouty parent.

These outbursts are nearly always at home. They are becoming shorter but more frequent and more agressive. She swears, throws things and stamps her feet and slams doors. She's recently started to throw things at me and attempt to hit me.

The triggers are ridiculous. Often it's bed time (even with warnings and being given late nights) asking her to do anything. Tidying her room is an obvious trigger even when she has lots of choices so 'please when you've finished this programme, either do some homework, read a book or tidy your room'.

She's rude and selfish with friends. E.g. Yesterday a friend was round and stayed over, they were fine until the next day when she was having outburst after outburst. One example is the friend only wanted to play on the computer on her own, my daughter quite reasonably confided in me that she wanted to play with her friend and not be ignored and the friend was refusing to consider anything else. I took this on board and told the friend I wanted the computer off after ten more minutes. Half an hour later my daughter turned the computer back on to play on herself. Friend reminded her I'd said to turn it off, my daughter flew into a range, slamming things down, screaming and even swearing at friend.

I am consistent with discipline. Always have been. I don't give in. I send friends home, it still continues to happen.

After the outbursts she is always tearful and remorseful (although she didn't seem to experience any remorse or guilt whatsoever until she was 8) she snaps into remorse and tears like a switch, from furious rage to apologies and then rushed to me to apologise when I'm still reeling from the rage. She says she doesn't know why she does it and can't help it. I just don't know what to do anymore.

Friends always tell me their children are the same but I don't think this is true or helpful. Does anyone have any advice for me?

Hello, not sure if you've seen the below thread but it sounds very similar to what I'm going through.

Sending huge hugs

http://www.mumsnet.com/Talk/behaviour_development/2915888-11-year-old-DD-having-violent-and-aggressive-outbursts

Well if she can behave outside the home then she can behave!
What rewards does she have for good behaviour?
What punishments for bad behaviour?
Don't discuss it with her endlessly, just set limits in your mind and stick to them.

Gosh queeneqhausted the similarities are insane. I spent last night reading about PDA and it matches her exactly. I always thought PDA/ODD was in addition to aspergers she doesn't match aspegers symptoms at all, but now I see that it is basically a different type of ASD. Which makes sense, as she has some strong ASD traits but opposite for other things. My brother is aspergers so I know the classic symptoms very well and she isn't at all like him.

Other symptoms:
As a baby she didn't look at me. I remember worrying about autism.
Her speech was delayed but not massively so.
She didn't have any separation anxiety whatsoever. I could sit her down in front of a room full of strangers and walk away and she wouldn't look around for me. This always concerned me.
She never came for me for comfort or reassurance.
She has always been very intense with imaginative play and role playing. This always made me think it can't be be ASD. She spent about 4 years pretending to be a dog 80% of the time. She still loves fantasy and dressing up just now she calls it 'cosplay'
She has never had any sense of embarrassment, this put us in a lot of awkward situations
She didn't show any remorse or guilt until about 8 but does have it now
She had no sense of danger until about 8, she'd run into traffic, run away from me in crowds, climb up dangerous things etc
She has never been scared or cautious
She is very social but I've always felt it lacked depth she misses a lot of social cues. She is very intense and loves her friends but can be really mean and immature with them.
I notice a more lighthearted sense of humour and more depth in conversation with her friends her age and younger that she just doesn't have.
She can't handle even very lighthearted criticism.
She doesn't recognise thirst
She doesn't fall sleep well but does sleep in late
She has no sense of smell at all, confirmed by MRI. No olfactory numbs. That part of the brain is next to the hypothalamus so I always wondered if it could be effecting any other part of her development. As sensory processing disorder is a symptoms of autism I wonder if this could be related in anyway.

I don't know if the other thread mentioned it but if you have a child who tends to blow up and ordinary discipline doesn't seem to work then a lot of us have found Ross Greene's Explosive Child book and Lives in the Balance website very helpful. They don't depend on any specific diagnosis but quite a few of us use them for kids with ASC/PDA/Asperger's diagnoses. I found the book especially helpful before my own DS was diagnosed and afterwards I still used it in combination with ASC-specific things. I go back to it if things go downhill.

Best drummer: if she can behave outside the home she can behave!

This sort of comment really winds me up! Children with difficulties such as ASD will often mask difficulties or control frustrations for a short period but then explode even more in a comfortable situation, just because a child behaves sometimes it doesn't mean there's no issues.

Sorry, op from reading your posts I would ask school/GP to refer from an ASC assessment, she sounds atypical but certainly has a lot of issues. Asking for an OT referral for sensory issues may also be helpful.