How to cope with name calling from 5yo

[Misty9]

5yo (nearly 6) ds has always been challenging and used to throw things and bite if frustrated. Now he says horrible things and calls us names and I don't deal with it very well . He'll very quickly resort to calling me stupid and the worst mummy and that he hates me. And say he doesn't care when I tell him that's hurtful. He will do the same to dh but dh just let's it wash over him. He's an angel at school little bugger

I know I need to not take it personally but I've never been in a situation where I couldn't walk away when being insulted! If I walk away he follows me... and I really don't want him to think that such behaviour is ok.

If it's any comfort - ignoring is a recognised good-parenting strategy for (non-dangerous) annoying behaviour. It is OK to not react at all. This may help to "fade" the behaviour.

It's good that he is not hitting or throwing things any more. And it's good that he's not calling names at school.

If he's easily frustrated then you can also try reacting to the content of what he says and not the surface. If you know what he's frustrated about then it's OK to say "oh, do you need help with your Lego? I'll come." Or if you don't know then try to find out "you sound frustrated, what's up?". If you are the cause of the frustration (well we're the parents, frustrating our kids goes with the territory!) then try to ignore his outburst altogether, repeat what you want him to do (in a very boring voice!) and praise him warmly when he finally does whatever it was you told him to do that made him cross. Naming the feeling can help too in the long run - "you sound angry with me". And you can shrug off "I hate you" with "well I love you".

Alternatively you could use consequences for it. He calls you stupid, five minute time out, say sorry, all done. Though the first few time outs may have to go on a lot longer til he stops insulting you and gets the hang of the fact that you really mean it. You and DH should agree on it first though, you'll need to back each other up and be consistent about it.

Oh and try not to murder him. DS and I are both still alive but it's a close-run thing

Thanks Klein funnily enough we have just implemented a three strikes and then on thinking step for this behaviour. I know I should ignore it but being called a shit and being hit is quite hard to ignore...and I just get so angry :(

One of the issues is that he hates being reprimanded so will appear fine but it's actually all building up inside until he explodes. We majorly clashed today and I lost my rag with him. Not good.

That sounds really tough But it's good that you and DH have decided on a policy.

Are you having to reprimand DS a lot? Maybe see if you can cut down the number of other things you reprimand him for? You can decide to leave a lot of other minor misbehaviour on the back burner while you're coming down firmly on the insults and hitting. My DS ciuld be defiant but he responded well to "count-to-three and consequence" - I figured out that the consequence didn't matter all that much but the count-to-three gave him time to think instead of instant defiance. I'm also a big fan of bribery for getting kids to do little things rather than reprimanding them for not doing them - so long as you are clear beforehand what they have to do to earn the bribe and only hand it over once they've done it. And keep on praising the good and the nearly-good.

Just having a plan in advance - this is what I'm going to totally ignore, this is what I'm going to time out, this gets a bribe, this is what I'm going to give a consequence for, this gets noticed and praised - helped me stay cool. Well, sometimes anyway

He's quite poor at listening so I do feel like I'm always telling him not to do xyz. So today I whooped and told him well done for not sticking his hands down his pants for 5 minutes . Then he did it again also, he reacts negatively to me even asking him to mind out the way of pedestrians etc. He's mega sensitive just like me

You've made me think now and I want to write a list of the things we reprimand him for:

Picking his nose
Hands down pants (back)
Not going to the toilet when clearly needs it
Not looking at the speaker when being spoken to (eye contact has always been tricky)
Being asked to do the same thing over and over again
Doing one part of a request and not the rest
Getting very over excited and silly (to the point he gets wheezy - asthmatic)
Talking rudely
Not sitting properly at the table (wriggling around so he falls off his chair and drops food down his front)
Not doing as he's asked - most often, getting dressed/undressed, doing way and teeth
Grinding his teeth

Poor kid never gets a break

I think I'm going to note how often and for what he gets reprimanded, and try to turn as much as possible into positive reinforcement.

My main issue is that he presses my buttons like nothing else...

That's quite a lot of things to deal with all at once that need self control from him. Maybe prioritise and decrease the amount of self control you're expecting?

Maybe try to use sensory distractions for nose picking and hands down pants - give him a fidget toy to hold when he's not busy. Or remind him to use a handkerchief or go in the bathroom. Encourage him to fiddle with the toy (or whatever) rather than praising him for not doing something if you see what I mean. Voice tone makes a difference - a casual reminder "hands out of pants" is better than "how many times have I told you...." For now I'd totally ignore eye contact and wriggliness/food dropping and tooth grinding unless the dentist says it's a problem. Count-to-three and consequence for getting him to do things without having to be asked repeatedly (plan a list of consequences). If he only does one bit of a task at a time then break it down, tell him the first bit, then when he's done it the second, etc. He's only five after all. Over-excitedness is part of his personality, in time he'll find ways he can calm himself down, and maybe you'll be able to identify one or two triggers and avoid those. Routine and structure may help, especially if he's good at school. You can use picture reminders and picture timetables too. Use WHEN/THENs too - WHEN you've done your wee and teeth THEN it's time for story (I seem to remember saying that to DS a lot!)

My DS reacted very badly to "on the spot" instructions or to instructions that were a bit too vague. I'd have to say beforehand "we're going to walk down the street and try to keep a distance from pedestrians, so when you see someone coming I want you to step aside like this" You could even break it down into two steps, first you have a spot the pedestrian game where you warn each other when someone is coming up and are they too near or not, then you move away from them. If you think of these things as "learned skills" rather than "obvious things that everyone can do" then it becomes easier.

My main issue is that he presses my buttons like nothing else...

Heh that's why it's so easy for me to say these things - our own kids push our buttons when they do these things, other people's don't You sound like a lovely Mum and he sounds like a lovely kid and a handful all at once!

Blimey you have just described EVERYTHING my 5 year old does. That could have been my list ! Only difference is mine cries at everything and screams noises instead of hitting and verbal abuse. I guess it is the same response with different emotions ! We are trying less telling off, more 'positive' parenting ( bloody hard !! ) etc....

Oh ds makes lots of frustrated squeals along with the verbal abuse didi and it's the noises which are most annoying sometimes!

So today I've tried to just be less on his case. It was a relatively okay day although he pooed himself twice (ref not going to toilet when needs it) and had a few roll around frustrated moments. But I kept my cool and spent most of the day in the garden

3yo dd on the other hand...!

Oh and I was very mindful of not overloading him and keeping instructions simple, which seemed to help.

Glad it's going a bit better

Pooing himself twice sounds a bit unusual though - are you sure he's not sore and avoiding going to the toilet for that reason? Might be worth a trip with the GP to make sure everything is OK if you haven't already.

Oh the soiling is a long standing issue.... he has a history of withholding and constipation. Previously on movicol etc. It has been better recently though, he's just lazy!