10 year old help

[sostressedout]

I'm typing this as my son is screaming at me for 10 minutes on his tablet,bashing things.
Totally out of control, I guess I'm writing on here to help me stay calm because shouting at him makes it worse.
Has anyone lost control of their child but then actually turned things round and regained respect?

I know all the tips. And I've tried everything.
He's on the waiting list for an assessment for ASD.

Hi. Wow, it sounds like you are having a tough time. Well done for still being here, you've done amazingly well. Seriously.
I have lost control of my 9 year old daughter a few times. She is not on the waiting list for anything. I've screamed, shouted and thrown things, towered over her shrieking " will you just do as l say for once" and things like that. I'm a lone parent, my daughter is bright, and loves to test boundaries. I was bought up in a family of violent alcoholics, so I have had very little example of good parenting and successful boundary setting. I find it so difficult. I think I'm making progress though. I have spoken to therapists, and told them of my failures at being a "successful parent". Advice I have been given about "rupture/repair behaviour is that if you lose the plot, and fail to cope, if your first,second or over-riding instinct is to apologise, explain and empathise with your child, and you make an effort to do this, you are doing ok. ( I'm paraphrasing, generalising etc, and no hard and fast rules apply!!) My talks with my daughter have been well received. She said, out of the blue one day, that one of the things she likes most, is that if we have an argument or fight that gets shouty, is that we talk about it, and can both apologise if we act like shouty idiots, and that the apology and a big hug " pretty much sorts stuff out." I don't use this to excuse my "shoutyness" but that made me feel like we were not doing too badly.
I am replying to your post not because I can offer amazing insight (unfortunately for both of us!!) or indeed anything that is probably useful. All I have to offer is that I have utmost admiration for you just hanging in there, and that the sense of hopelessness and dispair you feel right now will not always be there, and please use your resources-friends and family usually want to help, but don't know how- small, directed bits of help are usually very willingly given. I don't know yr situation, but if you have these resources, do use them. I hope things seem a bit brighter this morning. Xx

Thank you for your lovely message. It's hard being a perfect parent esp when children are more challenging than normal. Messages like your really help thanks.

I have two DDs with autism. Both high functioning, academically able, articulate and anxious.

Both have had times when their anxiety was unmanageable and they lost it a lot. This has usually been due to inappropriate school provision or big changes to routine. Things have always got better once the problem has been sorted out. It really helps us to have firm, regular school holiday plans in place with a daily routine that stays pretty much the same for the mornings at least.

I am not an advocate of giving a child anything because they are screaming and being aggressive. This is never going to be a good idea.

However, you need to think about why he is so desperate to have this screen time.

My DDs use screens to calm down. Screens impose no social demands, they can be very predictable, especially if you watch the same thing over and over, and they put the child in control. This makes them a great tool for managing anxiety.

So, if your son is having a tough time, perhaps because of a demanding day or maybe because he is missing the routine of school, ask yourself if you could build this time into his evening in the future to help him feel calmer.

If you don't want him to have the screen time, can you find other strategies to help him feel calmer? Weighted objects, walks, familiar stories, bath time, etc.

Yes it does calm him down I've noticed that. The issue is that he would stay up all night given the chance, and he was pushing and pushing for for time and I had to stop it at some point.
You seem to have a real grasp of how to deal with your family and your situation.
How old are your dds?
I'm a single parent and I have two younger ones too, who are quite hyper and demanding. And I've been trying to get a routine for the holidays in place but not much luck yet.
I'll try to write a plan out and incorporate an evening relaxation for him that might help.
I like being spontaneous and going out when the weather is nice its very unpredictable at the moment. But I guess we need more of a plan.
Thank you for your post it's been very helpful.

Now, that was so much more help than I had to offer!! Goldmandra has proper advice. My friend has 4 autistic children- all boys, and three of them are much older now. Her youngest is in the same class as my daughter. She is superwoman, I have no idea how she does it. She has done courses and works with kids with any kind of other needs in the school. I can ask her if she has any recommendations for tablet time, structuring etc, and see if I can pass this on to you if helpful? please just say if you would like me to ask her, I know no two children are the same, but she may have an idea or two. Xx

Oh my goodness that must be hard.
Yes any help would be good and also if anyone else reads this it may help them thank you x